Why do I feel this way?

It probably stems from abandonment issues. Most of us suffer from them in some form. Did you have any experience as a small child that makes you fear being left?

As a mum you have to accept that you have to let your children go. Rather than thinking they have left you, try to celebrate that you are doing such a good job as a mum they are happy to go out in the big world knowing your always there to come home too.

Thank you everyone.

MrsMaths I came from a very loving family and had a close upbringing with my siblings. I don''t think my issues result from this, but I am looking into handling them better.

I''ve had a good night out with friends which helped take my mind off things. I have a busy day tomorrow, a treat up in London so by the time my children are back my day will have gone.

Apart from my issues earlier today, I can honestly say I''ve had the best week so far. I''ve hardly thought of ex at all.

Hi HKHD

Divorce means change, your life as you knew it has completely changed. One minute you are part of a family unit, mum, dad, kids, cats and dogs etc etc. the next minute that unit has gone and your kids are now continuing their relationship with their dad in a place which is alien to you.

No one can simply just take this situation and accept it. There is so much to cope with when you are hit with divorce. Something''s you accept better than others but the sheer volume of shock and denial of it all is something we all face. I have seen you go through the anger bit with some of your stbx''so behavior and now you are showing signs of acceptance and certain parts of your life now look hopeful. You have an enthusiasm and and appear optimistic for your future. But in this particular area you are struggling and find yourself in a very different place. You post shows that you are trying your best to cope with it. You have plans and things in place to fill the gaps when your kids are not there. This isn''t quite the same thing as being at peace with the situation. You are fighter, a survivor and you will learn how to deal with this but give yourself time to accept this massive change. Don''t forget you probably are still grieving for what you have lost, The kids going off to dads every other weekend is no doubt a reminder of this loss. It''s another bit of the divorce which is forcing acknowledgment of it. I suspect that you must be feeling isolated and somewhat remote. You have no control over what they are all doing. Not so long ago you were part of that unit and now you are not. That change is big and takes time to adapt to and accept.

Go easy on yourself, keep doing what you are doing, cry if you need to, believe me it does help in the long run. Keep making your plans for when the kids are away even if you secretly wish you didn''t have to. It will get easier but for now take it from me you are doing great, you really are.

Warmest wishes to you

LG xXx

Coming from such a background might actually be the issue, every other weekend you have to face the fact that you might not be able to give your children the same idea of family life that you had and so feel you have ''failed''

Thank you LG for your kind words. They are a comfort to me. There''s so much to work through and come to terms with.

MrsMaths I hadn''t thought of it like that. Thank you

You''re not alone HKHD, even though I am usually hanging out for a break and some peace and quiet, the contrast between the usual hectic noisy life with the kids and the rare quiet days is so stark that I often feel agitated and can''t enjoy it as I feel I should. A week is easier in a way as I readjust then start making the most of the time and just love not cooking! . I''m not sure that it necessarily relates to childhood abandonment or separation anxiety. Perhaps it''s just that understandable sad reminder that your kids are growing up in a divorced family which is not something you wanted for them.
Another reason that contributes (for me at least) is that to accept the situation of being a single working mum with an ex who is unreliable and wants minimal contact with the kids, I have to give up any expectations of regular or decent blocks of time to myself for the next several years. So my life very much revolves around the kids'' social activities and getting my adult contact through work and chatting at sports or the occasional girls'' night out. The contrast on the weekends where ex has them is so stark - it usually takes me a couple of days to adjust to it when they are on holidays, until I make the most of it. Rather than feeling you have to get over it, I would suggest just accepting that that sad lonely feeling is there, but will hopefully ease with time like the other awful emotions we''ve gone through. In the meantime I agree with the others- keep busy and make sure there''s something fun planned for yourself. xx

Following on from LG''s wise words, I want to add that I think you may be feeling loss on Saturday nights, that something isn''t quite right. Consciously you understand the situation but unconsciously you probably still haven''t quite accepted the situation. It''s why we go on making two cups of tea for ages, or use the we word. I find myself still using the we word when talking about the house sale. It seems to take a while for loss to percolate through the system and for you maybe the Saturday nights reinforce the unwanted reality. It may be the idea of the OW as well? How we change though...last year I could not bear the idea of the OW going anywhere near my daughters. 9 months on, I am much more accepting of the OW at a deeper level - she''s just there now and my younger daughter sees her quite a lot and they are friends. I went through the darkest pain initially when I realised this but the pain really seems to have diminished gradually. I think it was the regular repetition that helped with the acceptance. I think as LG and Vastra suggest, you may have to accept the pain but it will diminish and you are building coping strategies around this difficult and unwelcome change in your life.