Communication re children

Hi,

I have 3 children with my ex. We separated in 2009 and are now divorced.

They moved 3 hours away from me a few years ago. I have them every other weekend.

Lately their mother tells me nothing about them, and issues, how school is etc.

My eldest now smokes, he hasn't come this weekend, Morley I know why, my youngest told me, he is 7...

My other 12 year old recently gave up army cadets, something I was pleased he started a year ago, as it was good for him. He stopped a few weeks ago apparently, I asked him, to discuss why, maybe when he is older he would like to try again, he agreed, and everything is fine.

The issue is their mother, my ex, tells me nothing about them, my eldest smoking, I think that is something I should be told about, there are other things as well. Her reply to me when I ask why I am not being told these things is, I tell them to tell you.

I mean come on 1 is 7, the other 12 and the eldest 16. Ok the eldest maybe, but after weeks of not telling me about the smoking, would it still not be something she should then tell me.

She is dismissive of everything, with "Its down to them to tell you everything"

I find it unacceptable to rely on that. I asked her last night who was buying these cigarettes for my eldest, "Don't know, ask him" they live with her she should do some homework here I feel. She isn't bothered about anything, as it's too much hassle...

She, in my eyes needs to parent a lot better here.

Its driving me mad. Any advice on what to do here?

You need to be very careful here & not criticise your ex's parenting. Parents have different styles & families even broken ones act in circular fashion. If there is a lack of empathy & understanding or blatant over reactions communication becomes distorted & problems aren't resolved constructively. From that negative, escalating downward spirals develop leading to more distorted communication.

A better way forward be to tell your ex how you appreciated her passing on information in the past, investigate ways to improve communication & offer practical help. If discussion is difficult it's worth considering mediation as a way forward.

Write to the school tell them you have parental responsibility and youneed to be informed when they inform your ex. Send the a stack of self address envelopes with stamps on them. If they refuse get your sol to write to them.

Bob you have my support. Too many women think it is acceptable to push men out of children's lives and then they bury their heads as the children's lives fall apart.

Not much that you can do though other than resign yourself to the fact that the children will no longer achieve what they would have done if you were there. It is selfish on the mothers part but this is the society we live in. Feminism has indoctrinated women into feeling they are entitled and can impose their own will on everyone else regardless of the damage that it does.

Equal Parenting needs to become the default.

Sorry you're feeling alienated from the lives of your children and you've had some good advice about making sure the school/schools know you want to be informed about their progress and school events. Fiona's given good advice to tell their mother you appreciated the openess between you before and would like to get back to that.

Sadly missing your children is a recurring theme on wiki and it always stirs feelings of injustice in me. It shouldn’t have to be this way, but so many wikis will read your posts and feel you have expressed just how they’re feeling too. We get it, we really do.

Getting the feelings down in black and white as you have poured out your feelings to us might help. This is a time when you need to talk to friends and here on wiki. You will never get over the pain, but you might be able to ease it by sharing it.

As for the eldest smoking, he's too young to buy cigarettes legally and from what I'm told they're very expensive, so if his mother is buying them for him that's very irresponsible. How you stop a 16 year old from smoking though? He'd possibly do it anyway.

After filing for divorce (completely out of the blue) in January 2016, my (still) wife went onto apply to have my Parental Rights and Responsibilities Removed and deny all contact via Skype etc.

I saw my kids every day of their lives up until that point. Now I spend thousands to speak for twenty minutes a week.

Parental Alienation is reaching epidemic proportions in the UK. 90% of the time its the women who are the perportrators.

I don't think people realise just how big a problem this is.

Divorce is just the tip of the ice-berg my friends!!

I have tried the nice route, asking how we can work together, if it doesn't suit her, it doesn't happen... My youngest still bed wets and is 8, the other two didn't at that age, and I get that kids are different, their mother isn't at all bothered, just throwing a pull up into the situation at bed time. It has caused issues with him not wanting to sleep over at friends.

I just can't get through, her own mother said I am lucky to have been told anything, if the boys don't want to tell me themselves, it's not up to their mother to.... Of course it is, they are children, why would they be expected to tell me these things, my youngest is hardly likely to come over and announce he is wetting the bed, or hey dad, my school report was terrible, and I am getting told to stay back after school....

These are things their mother should be passing on, I can then talk about these things, as I have been told...

Punishment for them is , up to your room, where they have Xbox, Play Stations etc. Sit on the phone talking to mates... Thats no punishment, it's just a remove the issue somewhere else. There is zero discipline. When I do get to have them the mention to put crisp packets in the bin evolves into huffs puffs and arguments, we don't have to do that with mum, well you do here I am afraid. I am so annoyed, together their mum and I were doing a decent job of bringing them up, she took them the other side of the country, and is not bothering with them now....