Interference from Granny....

Despite my ex & I separating amicably a few months ago (and remaining amicable to date), her mother seems to have launched a vendetta against me. In the very insular rural area in which we live her vitriol is causing genuine damage to me and my business.

Worse than that is that she is now trying to turn my kids against me. Whenever she looks after them (while my ex is works on weekend evenings) she tells them they shouldn't be living with me and should live all the time with their mum (we share 50/50 - a week about).

I've told my ex to tell her mother to back off as it's none of her business - I'm providing a suitable lifestyle for my kids when they're with me and they seem happy and settled with the situation. She has told me just to ignore it but every time the kids come back to me I get more stories from them about what she's said.

What can I do? I'm not sure if I can stop the kids seeing their Granny, or even if that's the best thing to do! If I do then my ex would have to give up her job as she'd not have anyone else to child mind for her - that would lead to financial problems for her and would probably affect our (so far) amicable agreement.

Anybod any thoughts? Whats the legal position (we're in Scotland if that makes a difference)?

It's tricky. I expect your mother-in-law is blaming you for the marriage breakup, naturally siding with her daughter. Or she may secretly resent having to look after her grandchildren and feels that if you hadn't split up her daughter wouldn't need to go to work.

Whatever.

I think you need to ask your wife to talk to grandmother about the effect she is having, not on you, but on her grandchildren and explain that it is hard for them to have divided loyalties.

I figured as much about her reasons for being nasty, yet she is one of the few people who know the full story - i.e. that it was her daughter who initiated the problems over 2 years ago! However think you're right that she's just siding with family regardless.

I'm sure she doesn't resent looking after the grandkids - she's the matriarch and frequently looks after many of her grandchildren.

You're also right about tackling it through my ex and targetting it on our kids feelings instead of mine.

Sometimes people blame others rather than accepting unwanted truths. Maybe it is easier for your MIL to blame you rather than her daughter.
I would certainly encourage you ex to speak to her tho - my Grandma used to moan about my mum to me all the time - it was really hard to listen too. I hated it as I didn't feel I could disagree with her but knew that it wasn't true as well.
Eventually I got old enough to tell her that she was wrong and it was her precious son who was the problem! That stopped it alright.
I would also add that if your kids are coming back and telling you what has been said then they obviously know that she is talking nonsense too. I don't think they would tell you if they agreed?

You need to be aware that children may play off the adults against each other. Sometimes they exaggerate or make up what has been said because, in a perverse sort of way, having parents arguing together is easier to handle than parents being separate. Also third parties frequently do see one party as being victimized and rally to their side to try to right the wrongs. It's a nightmare and behind many highly conflicted divorces.

Speak to your wife, but if it continues you need to accept you can't change Granny's behaviour. All you an do is focus on your own behaviour by keeping a physical and emotional distance and not reacting. Avoid threats and criticisms and if the children tell you what Granny or Mummy say a non committal reply like "really?" gets you off the hook.

Resist any temptation to say negative things about your wife or her family and keep reassuring the children of your love and approval. It's bad enough your wife's family family being negative about you without the children being confused further by conflicts of loyalty. If a new partner comes along make sure you still spend some time with the children on their own.