Children meeting partner's girlfriend

My husband left the FMH last March (after 24 years marriage - bored, wanted me to be like I was when we met, I spent too much time with the children etc, etc!) We are both 47 and have two children (17 and 14). He started a relationship with a married work colleague a month after he left, while we were still attending councilling!! She is 31. Me and the children only found out about his girlfriend in August.

The children live with me and see their father in his flat most weeks for brief periods of time (14 year old son sees more of him than 17 year old daughter). However neither of the children want to meet the girlfriend.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from him saying that girlfriend was going to move in shortly, as her flat was only being rented until December (she is Australian and working here - husband still in Australia, but apparnetly she never liked him, despite only being married for two years!!). STBX has told me that he can no longer have kids round without her being there and that I should not stop them going. In fact I have not stopped them going at all - they have told me that they do not want to go around when she is there, but he thinks that I am telling them not to.

I am concerned that they are going to be forced into a situation that they do not feel comfortable with simply because he has presented them with a situation that they can do nothing about.

About a month ago he told me that he would not co-habit because he did not want to see less of the kids - now he clearly sees living with his girlfriend as more important.

He only sees them when it suits him, has gone on a holiday abroad every month for the last 4, and then gets annoyed if I say they are busy and do not want to come round on an evening when he clearly has nothing on in his social calender!

Any advice on how I should play this?

Hi Athlete

My advice is to step back from this and let the children take the lead.

Any court/solicitor will say that your kids are old enough to decide for themselves and tell their Dad what they want to do regarding contact (especially 17 yr old, I'm sure, like mine her social life is much more important than either parent!!)

My X has rejected his 4 kids in favour of his new wife and after time I realised that there was nothing at all I could do about it (except leaving door open and encourage any communication)

In the same way if the kids accept the new girlfriend and are happy to see Dad with her there is little you can do about that either but step back and seperate your relationship with kids from his. You will always be there Mum no matter what happens. Your stbx's new relationship appears very complicated so may not last anyway.

Take care and happy new year

Spooky
xx

Hi
I agree with Spooky. Just take a huge step back. Your children are old enough to make their own decisions, and old enough to phone him or contact him and tell him exactly how they feel.

Give them the choice. He then cannot blame you for their decision.

You will always be their mum, and the bond between you is just about ready to bloom into a wonderful relationship.
Let your ex do the worrying about what the children think, you just enjoy them

New gf might not even want anything to do with them anyway.
Then he has another decision to make.

take care
zara

Many thanks to you both for your comments. I try very hard to stand back from it all and leave the decisions to the kids - but I find it very hard to know how much support and guidance to give them without appearing biased.

You are quite right about the 17 year old! She is MUCH more interested in seeing her boyfriend than either of us. She is also intelligent enough to have told me that she thinks Dad is trying to 'have it all' - young girlfriend, posh flat, sports car, holidays with girlfriend, and then expect the kids to see him when he happens to be in for a quiet evening!! I just wish that she would say this to him!!!

I feel more sorry for my son, who likes to see his Dad, plays golf with him and I think will be much more torn as to what to do.

Hi

Hard for you. I think your daughter, as she has a boyfriend and is 17 will be able to deal with it her own way. Harder for your son though. Mind you it is an ideal opportunity for him to meet his dad for an afternoon of golf, I am sure that 'Dame Edna'would not want to walk around a golf course being a caddy for either of them.
She might just have to run back to her 'Sir Les Paterson' to escape.!!!

At least on a golf course they would have quality time on their own together. Perhaps a little suggestion every now and then that your son might like to play golf.

good luck

zara

My ex wanted to foist his gf on the children ages ago. I explained that our two sons 14 and 16 were old enough to decide for themselves.

Anyway ex collected them on Boxing day to go round to new place as gf's children were with her ex. Neither of them seemed interested, but they went (probably to get their presents) and returned later, neither said a word about it.
My idiot ex, having dropped them off, hung about wanting to chat to my Mum (who hasn't seen him since last Xmas, before the split) as though nothing had happened, which I know she found upsetting. Finally he got the hint and cleared off, saying that it was great that gf's ex had the kids as they had the evening to themselves. Selfish or what?!

I think some men just compartmentalise their lives and expect everyone to slot in to suit their convenience. Think my ex is still discovering that our children have minds of their own.

Good luck, its hard when you know your ex doesn't care about your children the way you do.

How right you are!! He actuallly asked them to meet her for the first time back in August, when they had only even known about her existance for 2 weeks!! He, of course, had already been with her for 5 months and so wanted her to be accepted by the children to make it all OK for him - he had no idea about their feelings at all.

They certainly do compartmentalise their lives and NEVER seem to see the impact of their actions on others. Are they incapable of ever putting themselves into someone elses shoes? AS long as they are happy and doing what they want then they think that all is fine. It makes me sick......................