Spending time together with our child?

Hi all,

My daughter is 3yrs old and is getting upset at not spending time together with her mum and dad. My ex came over for 2 hours on christmas morning and although it did go well it left me feeling upset. I think i was reminded of what should have been-a happy family. (also if i am honest i feel guilty that i can not provide the ideal for her)My daughter loved this time and everything was mummy and daddy this, mummy and daddy that. She was so happy and i really want that for her.

We have been seperated just over 8 months now and although i am in a much better place (he left me) I still miss him and still have feelings for him. Things have also settled down between us during the past few months.

My stbx feels that some "family time" together is not a bad thing. However my ex has a meal with us once every 5 weeks and gives our daughter a bath and puts her to bed at my house( i moved out, he is still in FMH)and i feel that this is enough for me

Since Christmas my daughters request for mummy and daddy time are more frequent and yesterday ended in tears. I dont want to be selfish and say no to her simply because i would prefer not to, but i am not convinced that spending time together is best for her. Won't that confuse her?

My ex sees her most days and will usually stay for 5 or 10 minuets at drop off or pick ups. I dont find these times easy as i still feel hurt and betrayed by him. I still spend times in tears, although less frequently now.

I really dont know what to do. Is some time as a "family" better than no time? or will it just confuse her? My daughter turned 3 in November so too young to talk to about this.

Any advice?

HI Charis,

I have a 2 year old son and I left the FMH 18 months ago. Since then I have being seeing him on a mon and tues evening after work when I bathe him and put him to bed and on a Sunday we go out as a "family". This is stressfull but our son really enjoys going out with his mummy and daddy so we have tried to maintain this. However, as the divorce progresses and comes to contact and financial issues it gets more difficult. My advice is to be open and honest with your daughter but dont be emotional about the finances with stbx such as the house and maintanence. If these can be sorted amicably then you are all better off and can maintain a good relationship. The difficulty you will find is about your feelings towards your stbx and that you can not hold him etc and things will change when 1 of you meet somoeone else.

Osprey

I am only 4 half months down the line and my stbx left...got another woman (should say girl). We still do things together which I do find hard. One part of me (which I know is wrong) does it just to spite his new partner. My boys (4 years old) love it when we are all together so we go swimming etc. I am just seeing how it goes.

Small children tend to just accept what happens as normal - they don't know how families are supposed to work.

Perhaps you daughter is just aware that you seem happier with daddy (because you are making an effort) than without (when you cry).

Either way, I personally think that pretending to be happy isn't going to last very long. And in the future you, your ex or both of you will probably have new partners for your daughter to cope with.

Concentrate on having happy times with your daughter when she is with you.


My situation is quite different - my teenage sons aren't bothered about seeing their father. Personally I'd love it if they went to stay with him now and then, as I'd have a break!

There are no easy answers realy.The saddest of all is that your ex left you and the child....you are right to be angry and sad at that....Its his loss wich he will come to regret.Sometimes,you know,...mums can use the child to get back at the father...you are not though and should not reproach youself...right now dad is having his cake and eating it.
Your little angel will adapt whatever...a little girl certainly needs her mummy.When your own saddness has subside a bit you can let dad in more...but for now facing the everyday grind amidst all the joy of your daughter is enough for you.He had the family...he threw it away...not you.Walking in and out of your life is no good for you.MAKE FIRM OPEN HONEST ARRANGEMENTS AND STICK TO THEM.Your daughter at 3 does not know any different.