CMS/dads behaviour

I was never married so don't know if I'm allowed here. I'm desperate for help and don't know what to do. I'll try and be brief but this one's very complexed. I was with my kids dad for 22 years and we have 5 kids together. Never married. Oldest 3 are adults and working (2 still live with me). Youngest 2 are 15 (special needs son) and my 11 year old daughter. I left him in January 2022 after 22 years of abuse. He was very controlling, obsessive, jealous, physical abuse, shouting in my face, spat in my face, threatened to kill himself if I left. Cheated on me. The list goes on and on. So I applied for housing through the council and had to be put in contact with a specialist person. She urged me to go into housing straight away but my daughter was in the middle of her A levels and they said I could be housed miles away so I hung on. Then it got so bad I made the call. Luckily I was housed in our town. He didn't see the kids for months and they were scared of him. In the beginning we were happy to just be away from him. In 3 years and 7 months he's seen the kids a handful of times usually he turns up outside school when I'm picking u my 2 youngest to say hello to them. He's seen them twice on his own and that's within the last 2 months. Once he took them for a burger and the other time he took them to his house for dinner. Sometimes he's ok and we text but this can be months without contact. Then he sends me sad songs and says he's missing me. Then he gets angry and tells me how I ruined his life...blaming me for everything. This cycle keeps happening. I don't even know why I talk to him. After everything he's done. I guess I like to believe he'll sort himself out and be a good dad but I know that won't happen. He was meant to see them last week but never showed up when I asked him a few days later he blamed it on me not contacting him to arrange to pick them up! 2 weeks ago he forgot our sons 15th birthday. He must have realised that evening and text me to say he'd be round with his present. My son has autism (and learning difficulties) and remembered his dads promise and had been waiting by the door since we got back from school. I told him this "he's been waiting for you since 4pm. Well done" I said. He then started saying F you and calling me a c-word. I want a non molestation/injunction. I'm sick of his abuse and nasty messages. My kids don't miss him and my older kids have so much trauma. The other problem is the maintenance. Last year he earned £35000 and I get £100 a week. But I know for a fact he's earning between £100k and £130k currently. He's trying to get me to agree on an amount that we stick to no matter what CMS say. My maintenance used to be £150 a week then this April it went down to £100 due to him earning less last tax year. Obviously next April I'll be getting a lot more so he's trying to avoid paying me. We are on direct pay. I spoke to CMS and they were looking into an arrears issue but I've been trying to sort this out with them since January this year and they're doing nothing about it. But that will add 20% on top of the increase if I tell them he's earning so much more money. I'm worried he'll get angry and do something. It's not about the money though. It's how he's trying to manipulate me so he can avoid paying more. He was happy to pay me less this year when CMS lowered it from £150 to £100!! I just hate this person and want him to leave me alone. He emailed me this morning saying offering £600 a month but it stays that way till both kids are 18. He sounded quite forceful and direct. I told him no and we'll stick to CMS calculatuond as we always have. Now I'm dreading his response. I'm also worried he'll try and have the kids over at his house to avoid paying so much. He lives with his new girlfriend and her 2 boys. Ones over 18 and ones 12 ish. Can I say no to this? My kids don't know their dad anymore and my son would not like that one bit. He likes his space and his room. Being autistic there's no way I could let him stay with their dad. And I don't trust him. He's so angry and unstable mentally. Also has a drink and d***s problem. I feel so confused where to get help or wheee to start. I just wish he could be normal. I've tried to help him and told him to sort himself out so he can build his relationship with the kids but he just shows no effort. If you read all that...thank you! I tried to keep it short and honestly I could go on forever there's so much that's happened. Thanks x

Hello and welcome to Wikivorce, although Im sorry you have a need to be here.

I suggest you contact your MP and ask for their assistance with prodding the CMS into action.

Make contact with a local domestic abuse agency for support and advice.

You can apply for a non-molestation order to end the abusive contact you are being subjected to. There is no court fee for this application, but it helps your case if you are able to include details of agency intervention/support; police crime reference numbers, medical reports, etc in your statement. Your local DA agency may have a friendly solicitor on board who can assist with the application.

In the meantime, you can block contact with him to protect yourself. You could either set up a dedicated email address for contact with him, or buy a cheap PAYG phone and give him that number for contact. The second phone can be placed in a drawer, and turned on once a week/fortnight to check messages (or ask a trusted friend to check texts/emails for you first).

Contact is for the benefit of the child, and if a child is deriving no benefit from contact as it is, then alternatives could be considered. If you are concerned that the children may not be safe with Dad, then please speak with a family support worker. Unless there is a safeguarding issue, you can't prevent Dad from having the children at his gf's house.

Feel free to book one of our free appointments to speak with an advisor.

It seems like a very simple case.

All you have to do is stick to the CMS calculations. Its really that simple. Try to stop worrying or panicking. Please call the police if he does anything illegal.

Regarding custody, he would need to approach the court if he wanted more time. The court is unlikely to give him more time as the children are very old, have autism, and courts generally prefer to maintain the status quo and not disrupt the children's lives.