can I lose the kids?

I have been a full time mum for 10 years, with husband leaving house at 7 and coming back at 8-9. I did all of the childcare, clubs , school drop offs etc. ALL. He travelled abroad a lot too.

I told him 2 years ago that I want a divorce, since he didn''t sleep with me for over 4 years.He Since created a campaign that i am alcoholic and taken lots of photos of me whilst having a social drink, which I did. He is abusive and violent man (who smokes weed ) and takes control over finance totally. But Recently he has been spending lots of time with kids.

he is also manipulating them- he MADE a daughter say to teachers mum is drinking. He hit me in november, I made an arrest, he has been cautioned and as a retaliation he brought me police here one morning, in which , when he snatched my child, I was arrested for assault, the court has given me probationary 6 months and a financial fine. I was too stupid and this was arranged- he knew i would go angry. His brother is a cop who told him in e mail to do that. However, i got a fine, and I am ok now. His brother sat behind me at the hearing, to intimidate me.

i admit I was stupid to do that and he is now threatening more and more that he will take me to the cleaners.

today he shouted at me 4 times in front of the kids. he bullied me into filing 2 year separation Petition and we both signed statement of arrangement for kids, to have a 3+2 days. He has never taken a day off to take kids to school, so it will be a challenge. I am now scared of him changing his mind. If he created all this alarm, ( I though I would never tell kids dad is violent) , how far can he go? he is recording me in my sleep and totally destroying my privacy.

So I have this court result , and he has a violence caution. I complained to domestic violence unit once but I am so terrified of kids being taken away. His verbal abuse is ongoing and constant threats are made. I have no one in this country and he is helped and advised by his family who intimidate me as well.
I earn nothing and I have sent over 150 job applications with no result. I have done a degree with tending small children. He is now more and more with them, also manipulating elder daughter telling her mother is mad and alcoholic. I do not drink at home or elsewhere since december.
we have 2 properties, he is using other one, denying me the keys, and coming here to sleep and basically intimidate me, until the house is sold. he wants to take over control of finance, even though we agreed this equity goes to me and he can go there to this other place. he wants me to pay his debt out of this equity too.

he cancelled mediation, thinking that this court hearing I had has given him more ammunition, I personally do not know what would he do with the kids full time, but revenge is possible,as he is also mentally unstable.

he has now 4 days to respond to 2 year separation Petition, which I so hope he will, as he signed kids form, and he wanted it, as he wouldn''t accept ''unresonable behaviour''. I did it to please his and get out.

if he doesn''t - am I in shit?

My solicitor says I am not as the kids are still with me when he goes to work, but I am scared to death. he stole passports too and I found them and returned. Do I talk with domestic viloence about his shouting? I am totally terrified and I can not last with him under the same roof until the house is sold, it can take months, I have no where to go. He is using other place. I only stopped cooking for him this week and he shouted at me for it. 5 just want the girls, i made mistakes, but I somehow thing 10 years of full time motherhood is quite solid, the kids are great and happy. Do I go to refuge? Do I apply for non molestation? Do I go quiet about his violence, or is it going to help me in court, if he rejects the petition he signed?

Terrified. All I want is my girls. All.

Try speaking to Women''s Aid. They will be able to give you advice, support and information about whatever help is available to you.

From what I have read I think you would be better to find a rented place of your own, not just for your safety but also to give the children someplace that is safe from shouting, accusations and manipulation.

If it should come to hand overs of the children for contact, do it at a neutral place, and dont let the STBX know where you are. If he is even half as bad as you say, he may try to stalk or make you life a misery.

Also keep a diary. Note all events, what was said, to the best of your recollection, and above all, try not to rise to any bait. He sounds like the kind of guy who will try to make you react, giving him ammo. Dont give him it.

Try as much as possible to maintain the "No Contact Rule". You''ll hear that a fair bit here. Email or text him only with dates and times for picking up the kids. Apart from that, keep your distance.

All the best, and I hope you find some help to get you a safe haven.

I suggest you speak to womens aid urgently, from what you say this man is dangerous to be around.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CJDv743YvbwCFazHtAodsigAZQ

Your solicitor should know everything that is going on including intimidation from family/friends.

The solicitor can file a complaint with the police to. Just because he has family in the police, that does not mean they are above the law.

Womans aid can get you and your children to a refuge safely, and will help you and support you through your next steps.

You can also go to your local housing advice who should also be able to help you.

You are in a very difficult situation and you need some good specialist advice. Some of our wise legal wikis will be along soon and may be able to advise you further. But there are others on here who have been through similar and will have suggestions too. The intimidation sounds unbearable.

In the meantime I am sure the rest of us wikis will chat to you, you have already had some good advice from Stumpy and Butterfly, and we can try to keep bumping your post up so that you will not get unintentionally missed (lots of posts come through all the time).

I am worried for you and your girls.

Best wishes, Nige x

ps I am assuming the photos he has taken show you not in your best light, i.e. you are not sitting having one quiet wine - that wouldn''t be a photo worth having would it?

You are doing the right thing staying off the alcohol. But I guess you need to ask yourself some hard questions about whether your drinking has been within normal range hey. You obviously are spending a lot of time on your own with the children and that can be a lonely life.

I guess he took the passports because he is worried you may flee the country. But I am sure you know that can carry some dire consequences.

Best wishes, Nige.

Massive ((hugs)) to you and your girls just keep documenting everything but DO NOT let him find it keep calm when anything happens do not retaliate or even speak to him I find that no eye contact also works it may anger him to start off with but once he realises he can''t get anything out of you then he looses that control over you

Stay off the drink it doesn''t help believe me I know just think you are staying off it for your kids it doesn''t mean you have to be goodie goodie for the rest of your life but at this moment your girls are more important also you are going to need that money for the court case

Good luck and take all the advice that you have been given plus tell your solicitor EVERYTHING they can''t help you if you don''t just go in and pour your heart out like you have on here if you can''t do that write it all down and take it they need to know to help you he can''t bd allowed to get away with this

Hi Nostfaretu,

If you give your Ex any more evidence of poor behaviour like drinking too much around the children or reacting to situations like you have then you might run the risk of seeing them less.

I think you already know that you need to clean up your act which is great. So from now on dont drink - and if you really need to then make sure its when your with friends and nowhere near the children. But it would be better all round to just stop.

Contact womens refuge asap so you can at least document everything that is happening. It may also be better to move temporarily to a safe house so you have time to calm down and think things through. People like your Ex will go to any lengths to paint you in a bad light so dont give him any ammunition. Stay calm and quiet for now (I know how hard this is)and dont rise to any of his behaviour. Once you have somewhere safe to live you can let it all out then (but not to your Ex)and hopefully you and the children will feel happier.

Stay strong and determined and you will get there and give up the drink.