For the new ones: survival in the first few weeks

dear shoegirl, I have gone and read your blog and I just want to thank you for everything there. I hope you are feeling great because you deserve it, we have blogged before and I admire your courage and perseverance, I hope you are finding the happiness in your everyday life. I too am healing or trying to heal but as today is my ex wedding anniversary and sittin alone ocontemplating my life without him, I would rather nbe here than a year ago when I found out the truth about his infidelity when I contemplated suicide to end the pain. I know face life with reality and would rather not be in a broken relationship with someone who thinks and fancies somebody else. after 38 years of marriage where I have thrown all in,he started betraying and lying. he didn''t want a divorce as he was happy going on having a double life, so I was the doormat and he preferred me to stay that way. I am true to myself and my values and instead of holding on to a sham of a marriage I decided out enough is enough. yes I feel lonely and need the warmth of a loving sincere arms of the man I once loved but he was not there anymore, he''s gone. I tried for years to reconnect and see what can be mended but he didn''t want to mend anything he was happy to carry on his shinanigans not a care to me. I have the love and respect of my four children and to me that is the most precious in the world. to me he has died the person I once loved and knew is no longer there. why torture myself to think and suffer, he''s dead. there will always be grief for the loss of that person as we are all human and cannot help it and a tear from time to time is alright. remember we only get one life and yes we have to make it worthwhile, thank you again xx

This is an incredibly good post. I am going to refer back to it when I''m feeling overwhelmed. Thank you xx

Thank you Sair, so much wise advice in there.
I am nearing my Decree Absolute but still in deep discussions re finances, I have been utterly determined to stay amicable though at times it has failed.
I discovered after a very long and mostly miserable marriage my husband had been cheating on me for years. I gave him a chance to stop and for a while things seemed ok, but several years on he was back to it again.
This time I found the courage to start proceedings and it's been a long road to get to this stage.
The one thing that helped me the most were supportive friends, who messaged me asking how I was, dragged me out for a drink etc and convinced me I could do this.
I have been staggered at just how much courage it takes to end a marriage.
Years of shared memories, ongoing contact because we have a son, and the difficulty of sharing a house until we both find places to rent. After 40 years of watching
the same tv soap five nights a week it takes courage to know in future it will be on your own.
It takes courage to hammer out a settlement without falling out and to discuss who takes what of your furniture.
Some days the courage just won't appear and then you need to simply leave it until you feel emotionally strong enough to pretend you have it again.
Something that has shocked me is the roller coaster of emotions you experience over time. In the last two years I seemd to go from coping really well to not coping at all. I have cried endless tears and been unable to sleep, but then the next day dawns and I can see a future again and the sadness recedes, only to return another time.
I feel as if I have been through a war and am battle scarred and traumatised, and plan on taking as long as I can to try and heal the wounds I feel.
Looking back those first few weeks were the very worst. The sheer shock of what you discover and decide to do about it. The fear of the unknown, of having to tell your embarrassing history to a total stranger of a solicitor and the pain that someone you love you have decided to cut loose. Two years on I am much stronger but still have bad days, but I am getting there. My advice is simply don't try and be healed too soon, just take one day at a time and remind yourself tomorrow might be better. I am I hope nearly through this nightmare and soon will be in the sunlight, alone yes but by choice..

Sair,

Your amazing article here is very inspiring. I am in the 1st month since I applied for Divorce with my wife & I am going through all the unavoidable trauma listed above.

I will completely agree with you that exercise & lots of it does help.

I will post my story very soon. I am also pleased to see the support I received from everyone for my very first post.

Take Care


VR

Thank you. I’ve just read your message. My husbands left me after 33 years and I’m devasted. It’s helped me see that I might get through this although at the moment I don’t think I can