Such a mess

Hi All

I can''t begin to tell you how stressed I am with the events in my life

To cut a long story short I''m in the beginnings of divorce and our house sale fell through a week ago. Added to this my stbx had secured rental accommodation which he''s now tied to. We had to secure it otherwise we would have lost it and our buyers were keen to move in by Christmas so we cleared the house in anticipation. We were due to exchange the following day and it fell through on the basis at he''d been made redundant. We are now faced with two sets of outgoings and living in an empty house as half is in storage and the other at the rental place.

We''ve had to get a loan to cover these extra costs which obviously will eat into our equity.

Added to all of this I am behaving so erratically. I am the one who is divorcing my husband. I know that we bring out the worst in each other and I''m not proud of how cold and distant I have been and how I paid more attention to my friends than him over the last couple of years. I know all of this and I still want to be divorced yet I continually question his every move! I have no right to do this and hate that I do it, I just can''t seem to stop myself. I know he''s lied about a few things and its up to him but I have huge trust issues (a result of him having lied to me in the past and me finding out, plus a couple of other things too). I want to try to build bridges to be friends at least but every time I overstep the mark and make a underhand comment about where or what he''s doing he goes into a rage and goes through the whole scenario of what a heartless b*tch (that''s the polite version of what he calls me!)I am and accuses me of having an affair with a male friend (which is wholly untrue).

I need to try to accept that all of this is my choice and to keep my nose out of his business, but it''s like my mouth talks without any input from my brain!

He doesn''t deserve the way I''m treating him but I''m also fed up of his constant false accusations and angry outbursts whenever I try to offer explanation or to try to talk things over.

I''m sure the huge financial situation that we are in has made it worse as the stress is unbelievable but I''m so sad and feel like a there''s this horrid darkness in me

Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent a little and wonder if anyone else has behaved the way I have?

Hi MooToo

Getting divorced and moving house are two of the most stressful events in life. Going through both at the same time must be ghastly.

Stop beating yourself up. If you don''t like how you are behaving (and it''s not helping the situation) stop doing it. Only you can control you. If you are tempted to say something nasty, leave the room, bite your tongue, turn it into something else.

I know it all seems awful now, but a new buyer for your house will come along. I''ve lived through house sales, two lots of redundancy, death of three close family members (one to suicide) and being diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. But I coped with it all, because there isn''t an alternative.

You can use this site to vent. Type a letter to get all your feelings out - you don''t need to send it. Punch a cushion. Get some counselling - whatever.

Good luck.

Thanks Nell, I need to bite my tongue it''s not right what I say or how I question him. I hate myself afterwards and try to explain to him why I do it but he won''t listen.

I feel like the only way to get through to him is via email as he can''t yell at me that way and perhaps I can express myself better that way.

Or perhaps I''m simply better just keeping my damn mouth shut and not talking at all!

Am going through a divorce and house sale myself so I know how stressed you can get. My divorce is waiting to be granted Decree Nisi. I''m divorcing him on the grounds of adultery. We haven''t got a financial settlement yet either as he''s been less than honest with his solicitor about his finances.

The house sale is at the point of exchange with us all ready and our buyers and their buyer holding things up. I can''t get anywhere to live until I get the money and it looks like I might have to get an advance before the finances are settled. I''m currently camping at a friends house and my kids are doing the same. It''s very stressful. My STBX is living rent free at his mother''s and I''ve had to pay the bills for the last six months on my own while he still wines and dines the OW who is married herself with a kid and is cheating on her husband.

I would love to say that it gets easier but in the last six months I''ve gone from working on my marriage to divorce and life on my own. My emotions are all over the place and I can''t wait for it to be over.

Take time to work out what you need and try not to get involved in long conversations. I decided that I couldn''t deal with him so I haven''t spoken to him since this all started and I threw him out. Only contact is via my solicitor. I deal with it much better that way.

Hope the house sells quickly and stay strong
Pebble xx

Hi Pebble

Thank you for your reply.

So sorry to hear that you are going through so much stress also, I really hope that you find some peace and happiness soon.

I believe in karma so I am sure that at some point he''ll get what is due

M xx

MooToo wrote:

wonder if anyone else has behaved the way I have?

Not me. But then again I was the lucky one. I was the one that was dumped for someone else. I say lucky because I dont have to live with the guilt and issues of burning a marriage down. However I sympathise with you. Its a much harder space to be in doing all the driving.

All I can say is try and stay focused. Make a list. Pop it in your bag or wherever and whip it out every time you wobble or feel weak. It will help to keep you on track.

As for the house and stuff, not much advice I can give except keep plugging away. It will sell. And now that its empty, its likely to sell quicker. But with spring looming, the market will start to pick up again. Keep strong. Marshy.

Marshy_ wrote:

MooToo wrote:

wonder if anyone else has behaved the way I have?

Not me. But then again I was the lucky one. I was the one that was dumped for someone else. I say lucky because I dont have to live with the guilt and issues of burning a marriage down.

That''s exactly it - I have the guilt that I have made this decision and it''s ruined his life. To quote him last night ''I have made his life a f*****g misery'' I don''t feel proud or good about that in any way shape or form and I deserve to feel this way for how I have treated him over the last few years with my coldness, but I can''t carry on living the way we did - we both deserve better.

I have made a promise to myself that last night was the end of me being the way I was and I am determined to stay that way. I know I have the willpower to be focused and just exchange the necessary pleasantries as and when. I''ve caused him far too much hurt as it is and I really think the sooner I am out of his life the better he will be (in the long run).

Thanks for your reply Marshy