do I give him all or not??

So in a nutshell-
married 14 years, I owned my own home when we met, took the 47k profit and ploughed into the next home we bought together.(I know not relevant now, but it helps add to the picture)
we moved to the house we have now 8.5 years ago. I have paid all the bills and mortgage and he has (mainly) given me money towards them. In the 8.5 years though I have paid 2/3rds of the total of the bills and mortgage, all our holidays and work on the house,whilst working full time job, plus two nights a week (for the last 4 years) and bringing up our 11 year old child.
For me it was never about the money, I earn a lot more than him, he is self employed but has never been very driven if you know what I mean... My career has taken off, his has never gone anywhere.
The thing that bought it all to an end for me was his unwillingness to get involved in family life, preferring to sit on the sofa and watch tv when not working, while I ran the house, organised tradesmen, did 90% of the day to day household chores and all my sons, doctors, dentist, clubs, uniform, school etc..

Now we are splitting he wants half the equity. I want to stay in the house to keep our sons stability of school and friends for him. I could prob give him half, but it would stretch me to breaking point and he is self employed so I don't see maintance being regularly forthcoming. But the time this is all taking is having an awful effect on my son, the Husband refuses to leave the house until he gets what he wants and is spewing all sorts of nonsense into my sons ear.

So advice please from anyone who has been through similar - do I fight for it or give him what he wants and hope he will go..
Thanks in advance

Hi Lucy,

At the end of the day, what has to be considered are the needs of the family and the needs of the individuals. In considering this, you also need to think about the future earnings potential for both you and your husband.

Right now, the 'family' needs a home. WIth an 11 year old child, the parent who is going to take the majority of the care of the child has to be housed as a priority.

From what you have said so far, it would seem that you will be the parent who will provide the majority of the childcare.

Accordingly, when considering an asset split, it is likely that you would be allocated more than he in the equity of the house.

There are a couple of options to consider. If buying him out outright would be possible, but difficult, what about a part cash, part equity arrangement? He gets an affordable lump sum and a charge is placed on the property in his favour until you can afford to pay him off or when the house is sold?.

I presume that you don't want to sell right now, to keep your son's home life stable. Maybe in a few years, if he goes through the higher education route, you might consider selling and downsizing to release equity?

It does sound like you are doing all the running, and he is sitting back and making demands.

Without knowing the relative income levels, house value, value of other assets & pensions etc , it is hard to say what might be a reasonable settlement in your case. Certainly the starting point is 50:50 after a long marriage, but as your dear husband is about to learn, it doesn't work like that where children are involved. \Their needs are paramount in any settlement.

Ny ballpark guess (and I stress GUESS) would be that you should be looking for a 60 - 70% share of the assets to allow you to provide for your son going forwards, assuming that the husband is sharing the care of your son.

He isn't going to like what he hears in mediation. He is also digging himself a great big hole in terms of his future relationship with his son. It is a terrible shame because he probably doesn't realise it at the moment.

Have you or he been to any kind of counselling service?

As to fight or give in, take the moral high ground. You are caring for your son. He is contributing little of nothing. Why should it be that way?

Suggest he takes a trip into town and finds a family law firm that gives a free 30 min advice session. Let him assimilate what he will hear from the professional. You telling him anything is no good, as you will be perceived to be the devil incarnate. He needs to hear it independently.

Best of luck Lucy, it won't be easy, but the facts are the facts.

Mike

Thanks Mike, I know this is a process I need to go through and we will be ok my son and I once all is over and done with.
So a bit more detail, I earn 3x as much as him. He could earn more, but chooses not to persue and other job opportunities. My solicitor told me today that he may make a claim for maintenance from me???? How can that be right?? I will have responsibilities for my son all the time bar two weekends a month when he will go to his dads. (STBX is moving two hours away from us)
I have trawled my bank accounts and can prove I paid twice as much as he did over the last 8.5 years, but again not relevant apparently. All I want is for my son to have stability in our home and I will make sure that happens, even if we are on baked beans every night!!
Also, solicitor has told me I may have to hand over one of my pensions to him! Again, just because he never sorted one out (laziness) I have to bail him out!!! I am fuming today...
And breathe.....

Lucy,

I can imagine how angry this makes you. Unfortunately, this is the world of divorce. Change is inevitable, but it is rarely a good change financially.

Basically, what you are doing is splitting into two, which means two of everything, including a place to live. Thats going to cost a lot more than doing it as one.

Although it is winding you off the clock, whatever is in the overall asset base needs to be split according to the needs of the individuals and their dependants. The law takes no account in a long marriage of who provided those assets. It merely divides what is in the pot according to need.

The relevant piece of legislation is here:
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Financ...lauses-act-1973.html

Your husband needs somewhere to live, as do you and your son. Whatever his share of the assets ends up at will have to set him up in whatever he can afford to acquire or rent wherever he is going to.

Your solicitor is unfortunately correct in that you may have to sacrifice some of your pension provision to him to even up the pot, and indeed he may be entitled to claim maintenance, as you earn significantly more than he does. As you say, that is his choice.

It seems very wrong, but that is how it is. I really do empathise with how that must make you feel.

Take heart in the thought that when he is standing on his own two feet, it might be the impetus for him to earn more to achieve a better standard of living, rather than relying on your income and generosity. That being the case, his claim for maintenance is somewhat diminished.

Feel free to have a good rant about anything you like here. We've all been there at some point and really know the frustration it generates.

But also balance the rough with the smooth. AS you say, once matters are concluded, you can take control of your life again and be happer and more fulfilled, albeit at a cost.

Sorry I can't be more positive.

Mike