Hello - should I be here?

Urban
I dont think it is fair to encourage anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage, but is what you have that unhappy. Dont get me wrong, I'm not blaming here. Have you told your wife how you feel? You say it has gone too far for counselling to help but I think you need to be sure about that.

You also state you have thought it out and realise what your life will be like. I really dont think you will know that until you are there, sorry. My separation and divorce bare nothing to how I imagined and I had thought about it for a long time.

Nobody knows what other relationships are like. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. No two relationships/break ups are the same. YOU have the responsibilty of doing the right thing here and only YOU can decide what that is.

Hi Tinny

Talking it through with my wife won't change how I feel - I haven't loved her for years. And because of her anxiety problems I don't think she would be able to cope with such a talk anyway.

You're right in saying I can't really know how hard things will be until I have left which is why I've always put it off until now, but at least now there would be a lot more incentive now that I am in love with someone else.

I won't make any hasty decisions...I've been thinking about this for a long time and joining this forum is all part of the process. Hearing other people's experiences and views will be helpful but eventually, as you say, I have the responsibility of deciding.

I am in hell at the moment having split from my husband of 25 years and it is not a good place to be.

You seem to be very focused about money and how you are the sole breadwinner and this was one of the problems my husband and I had and which led to him feeling angry and resentful which is I think where you are now.

Go for counselling either on your own or with your wife, be completely sure before you ask for that divorce. You have spent most of your lives together and I can tell you from experience that you may think you will be better off alone but that is not always the case and once you make a move it is hard to go back.

Think it over, try and talk to yur wife and dont be hasty.

Best wishes

stripeuk wrote:

I am in hell at the moment having split from my husband of 25 years and it is not a good place to be.

You seem to be very focused about money and how you are the sole breadwinner and this was one of the problems my husband and I had and which led to him feeling angry and resentful which is I think where you are now.

Hi stripeuk

Sorry, I may have given the wrong impression.

I'm not angry or resentful at being the sole breadwinner. The original post from me was focused on money because I want to be able to support my wife fully if we split and I don't think I can do that and support myself, but if she was entitled to some state benefit in addition to my financial support then that could make a difference. I want to "play fair" with my wife financially if we split.

Chris also made a comment about my "long suffering wife" - I thought he was referring to how I treated her so I mentioned how I've always paid for everything (as well treating her kindly etc) to illustrate I wasn't some selfish ogre, not because I'm angry.

The money side is just a practical issue. The most important one is whether I love my wife...sadly I don't. I do care about her though and want to be able to support her as much as possible if/when we do part.

I don't think I could do counselling with my wife because of her anxiety illness but as for counselling on my own...yesi it's worth thinking about. I guess that's partly what I'm doing here.

Thanks for your comments

I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children 9 - 12 , I have provided a house and everything a family should want.

My wife has told me she has no feelings left for me and does not love me, I am devastated.

I have suggested counselling etc, but she does not want to budge. i can not afford to move out of the house just yet as I am in debt to approx 30K. I cant just sell the house to clear the debts as I have my children to think of.

I am sure she may have someone else but I cant prove that just now.

At the end of my tether.

US. I know it was a fair time ago but when you married your wife you gave certain vows. Vows that you should be holding sacred. You vowed to stay with your wife forever. Falling out of love dont count. Your wife more than likely is very dependent on you. Not wishing to yank your heartstrings but how do you think she will cope without you? You are probably the love ofher life and you are talking about leaving her. You have a duty to stand by her for all her life.

You said you were an unpaid carer. So was I. My wife was so called disabled. I looked after her and I would have continued to do so come what may. You also have the same duty. What do you think this will do to her? It will destroy her.

Not every marriage or relationship is fully loved up. Thats Hollywood. Most people are companions. You seem to think the grass is greaner on the other side. I can tell you its not. Not all love glows bright hot. Most just simmer and have the faith in each other that they are together. Come what may. Some are just freinds after a long time. You say your wife loves you becuse you pay for everything. That cant be right. Your wife loves you for you and what you do for her. The man she married. Your lifetime together.

Society tells us that if something is not working ditch it. Thats why divorce rates are so high. No one is prepaired to fix anything. Throw away marriages like a empty tin of beans. As soon as someone better comes along that that. You are chucked on the scrap heap.

You talk about living in a flat etc. How will you pay for this when virtualy everything you earn will go on supporting your wife? You cant just pass her over to the state to look after when you have finished with her. Thats what you are saying.

What will your new partner say when everything she earns goes to supporting you both? In fact if you know anything about divorce etc her income will be counted and that will allow you to pay more. Spousal maintenece is usualy awarded open ended. That means until you wife remaries or she dies. Or you do. You will pay. Thats what your facing. At the moment its all lunches 50 / 50 and talk of the future. But when the future is here and you are eating beans on toast for a month cos thats all you can afford and there are no more lunches and your future is very bleak, what then? There is an old saying. Love goes out the window when the money runs out.

If you took all measures to save your marriage. You went to counsiling and tried to find the answers then I would have respect for you. As it is you are just looking for a way out of a loveless marriage that you have the power to rekindle your affections for your poor wife who has no idea what fate lies before her.

If your wife beat and abused you I would say you had a case for getting out. If your wife cheated on you. If your wife rooked you of all your money spent the gas money on gambling and boozing etc, then you would have a case. You have not said she has done any of these. She is ill and you want to ditch her for a newer model. Thats bad.

In summary:

You have a home some kids a wife that loves you that you have a duty thru marriage to support. You will not fair well in divorce. Nothing will be the same afterwards. Your wife has not done anything to you. You just fell out of love for her. You have done nothing to rekindle that love.

You will lose everything that you hold dear. For what?


I would give anything to be in your shoes. To have a wife that loves me and a family around me with the posibilty of grandchildren etc. Also someone to look after. Someone to grow old with. But I have none of those. But thats life. I made a wrong choice and thats my fault. You still can do something about your future. Its in your hands right now. Sorry I cant say anything else to you. I have tried.

Chris.

ChrisM wrote:

You say your wife loves you becuse you pay for everything. That cant be right.

No it's not right because that's not what I wrote. Here's what I said...
Urban Spaceman wrote:

My wife is long-suffering because of her illness. If you mean because of me, well I've always treated her kindly which is perhaps the reason she loves me. I have paid for everything during our marriage and never cheated on her before.

She loves me because, as I said, I've always treated her kindly. Through many years of illness and several breakdowns. I mentioned paying for everything and never cheating on her to illustrate I haven't been some selfish ogre throughout our marriage after your long-suffering wife comment.


ChrisM wrote:

Society tells us that if something is not working ditch it. Thats why divorce rates are so high. No one is prepaired to fix anything. Throw away marriages like a empty tin of beans. As soon as someone better comes along that that. You are chucked on the scrap heap.

You talk about living in a flat etc. How will you pay for this when virtualy everything you earn will go on supporting your wife? You cant just pass her over to the state to look after when you have finished with her. Thats what you are saying.

I have already said that I have wanted to leave my wife for many years and how I have put my kids first and worried over hurting my wife. I have been in love with the other lady for the best part of a year. That's hardly throwing away a marriage like an empty tin of beans.

I have also said that I want to support my wife financially and play fair with her in that respect. I am not looking to just pass her over to the state to look after, but simply enquiring if she would be entitled to any state benefit as that would be help.


ChrisM wrote:

If your wife beat and abused you I would say you had a case for getting out. If your wife cheated on you. If your wife rooked you of all your money spent the gas money on gambling and boozing etc, then you would have a case. You have not said she has done any of these. She is ill and you want to ditch her for a newer model. Thats bad.

No I haven't said she did any of those things because the purpose of my original post wasn't to come on here to criticise her but to ask a question about entitlement to state benefits. I could cite many years of unreasonable behaviour on her part (not linked to her illness) but writing it now will simply be to try and justify myself which I don't feel the need to do. I want to leave her because I stopped loving her years ago, not because she is ill. Why do you keep ignoring what I have actually written to put your own slant on things? For the record she has been ill throughout the whole 26 years of our marriage, an illness that began long before she met me.


ChrisM wrote:

I would give anything to be in your shoes. To have a wife that loves me and a family around me with the posibilty of grandchildren etc. Also someone to look after. Someone to grow old with. But I have none of those.

You see Chris, you accuse me of thinking the grass is always greener and not thinking things through and yet you would give everything to be in my shoes? You talk about "Hollywood" relationships and here's you doing the same thing with my situation. I can assure you things wouldn't look so perfect if you was in my shoes.



Chris - a lot of the pitfalls you have pointed out are fair comment and I have considered them over a long period of time, and continue to do so.

The problem is you are lapsing into preaching mode and not actually reading and/or understanding what I have actually written. You are stereotyping the characters, with the disloyal, selfish husband ditching his perfect, loving wife at the drop of a hat for a serial husband-stealing siren. If that was the case I would long since have left my wife...

I appreciate your good intentions and thank you for your time taken to respond. I am also sorry to hear of your unhappy past experience. But it's best we draw a line under this thread as we are straying well away from the original purpose of this thread which was a simple financial query.