I'm scared

Hi... not been here before.

I'm a 37 year old stay-at-home-Mum with a nearly-one-year-old son and a 13-year-old stepson. My husband has told me he's not happy with his life, and not happy with me, and wants to leave... he says things have steadily deteriorated since we met ten years ago, especially in the last two years (we married three years ago). Despite that length of time, he may not have the patience/tolerance to see gradual improvements.

I don't want us to break up! I'm going to do whatever I can to prevent it. But what if it's too late? How will I survive on my own (and will I want to?)?

He wants a more confident, capable, resilient wife... yet I don't think I can become any of those things while under threat of separation.

have you tried relate, marriage guidance? Unfortunately, you can't keep someone there who doesn't want to be, maybe he is just confused with the arrival of your son.

You will find lots of support on here, whatever happens. And I'm sure you will manage and cope because you have to. It's a tough ride, but you are not alone even though it feels like it sometimes.

AliceF,
Together 10 years, married three...... Big investment on both of your parts. But as Spyder says, it takes two to make a relationship, but only one to break it.

He wants a more confident, capable, resilient wife...

I defy anyone with a one year old to be the sparkling bouncing life and soul of the party. It is tough with little ones, especially with a thirteen year old too. Perhaps your husband doesn't realize quite how tough it is.

Rather than beat yourself up, of rhis perceived issues, why not do as spyder suggests and try relate - if only on your own, so that you can see yourself that you are doing a great job, and perhaps the problem lies with your husband and the effects of his negativity on you.

You don't need it.

But what if it's too late? How will I survive on my own (and will I want to?)?

There are hundreds and hundreds of people in exactly your position here at Wikivorce that have been there and done that and will support you all the way. There is a life outside the life you have now. But you must be sure that this is the right route for you to consider. Some decisions in life are outside our control and are taken for us, by others or by circumstances. It is right to fight to save what you have. But you must also consider that it may not be possible.

Best of luck Alice. There is lots of practical help and support here. You have found a lot of new friends that know exactly how you are feeling. Just ask for help.

Take care of ourself and your little one,

Mike

poor baby big hugs.
sounds like the reality of family life and the responsibility of the family have brought on a mid life crisis.what he is doing is trying to shift the blame onto you so he can excuse himself its called transference in psychobabble.i remember my husband saying things to me that sound the same.i didn't realise i was in an abusive relationship at the time.i am not saying that you are.how he feels is not your fault if you accept it is your fault soul will die.if you start to believe it is because you are not good enough again your soul will die.relate is the best way forward if you can afford it.we are all here to offer you love and friendship.you are a wonderful mum and a wonderful person don't let him make you question yourself in thei respect.the bottom line is what does he want if he wants to go you have no choice than to let him go its his big big loss.

Hi Alice,

This sounds like a case of your husband not realising what an impact a new baby in the house can have on your relationship and you as a person. I know being an at home mum has lots of rewards but you can easily lose self confidence and think that you are just mum and not you any more. I have been there as I think a lot of us have but that does not mean you are to blame. Your husband needs to realise that you have feelings too and life is hard with a baby in the house (as well as a teenager).

You firstly need to be nice to yourself. Start by talking to your health visitor and see if there are any local groups you can go to with your baby just to get yourself out and make friends with people who may feel the same. I know it is hard, maybe your health visitor can ask another mum to befriend you. Look to see if you have a local Sure Start group in your area as they run lots of groups and coffee mornings etc.

Why not join our support group for mums under the community heading at the top of the home page. Lots of mums will be only too willing to offer you support and advice, even about practical things like money.

Hopefully your husband will come to his senses. It seems to happen all too often you are married for a few years and then decide as a couple to have a baby, only for the husband to realise the idea is not quite the same as reality. I am not for one minute generalising just pointing out that sometimes the idea and reality are not always the same.

You need to concentrate on you and your baby for the time being. Maybe your husband needs space, who knows. You are you, love that about yourself. You are a good mum.

Take care Alice, there is support and advice here just waiting for you.

xx Sarah xx