Heartbroken and lonely

Hi determined

Many thanks for your reply. Yes it is the lies and deceit that I am finding really hard to deal with (second time around). I also keep blaming myself for not seeing this coming. I think of the other woman all the time and you are right it is eating me away. I hate it when the boys see him as I so want to punish him but know that I should not do it through the boys but I don't know any other way. It is also the non-contact with me that is tearing me apart. How can you just shut yourself off from someone you have been with for 25 years and he now acts as though I no longer exist. This weekend has been so hard and when I see replies from people on this site that it has taken them 2 to 3 years to get over it I don't think I can do it. I know this sounds wrong but I never thought this would happen to me and my family this happens to 'other people' not me. Right up until I found out about his affair I had no idea. Our life was going along 'normally'. Why does someone who is cheating on you and now says he doesn't love you in the way you needed to be loved, continue to make love to you and tell you he loved you every day. That is so cruel. I am so glad I found this site as although I have very good family and friends I don't think anyone understands the pain of being betrayed and rejected unless they have been there.

Hi KarenS,

I understand all you are saying,it is only 6 weeks since my OH told me he wasn't coming home (he works abroad)and that he has been seeing someone else for 8 months. I like you thought this would never happen to me trusted him 100% to be honest all family and friends are totally shocked by all this, I still sometimes think it was all just a bad dream. I have had no contact with him (found it just too hard) for about 3 weeks now.
At the moment don't have the problems with regards to contact with kids they are adults now apart from 1 who will be 15 next month but I know I will struggle with it, he intends to stay abroad (Singapore so not close thanks goodness)so there won't be much contact anyway.

Our life was going along 'normally'. Why does someone who is cheating on you and now says he doesn't love you in the way you needed to be loved, continue to make love to you and tell you he loved you every day. That is so cruel

Can totally understand where you are coming from here,he had the cheek to sit here at Christmas as though nothing was going on ( we always have all the family here for Christmas)how could he do that? This is also hurting his children he must have known what he was doing but made no special effort to spend anytime with his children.

I know I am not making much sense I just can't seem to put things into words the thoughts are all just swimming about in my head all the time trying to make sense of it all.

Just wanted to offer my support

here for you too another similar story my heart smashed to pieces you can only deal with a day or hour at a time when the pain is so bad be patient you are seriously wounded it is like a real physical injury.i too thoght it would be like it was forever.I am treat as an invisible non existant woman after 20 odd years.i feel the tears inside me on a daily basis after 17mths i want to die on a daily basis.i can't my daughter needs me.if you want to send me a pr message too i am here for you we will love and support you.
steph

Hi Steph thanks for your reply. I have had a really bad day today and have just been driving round and round with bad thoughts in my head. Like you I feel like I want to die but need to think of my boys. I too am being treated like an invisible non-existant woman after 25 years together. During this time I gave everything to our relationship and our family and also feel that I gave the best years of my life only to have everything shattered. Every morning I feel like I just cannot get through the day. My marriage was a lie and I feel so betrayed. He keeps contacting the boys and it is tearing me apart. I don't want them to see him but will never stop them. How long till I can stop grieving and move on - I think I would have felt better if he had died.

Hi determined. Thanks again for your reply. I feel really low today it just doesn't seem to get any better. Like you say he has taken the best years of my life and now thrown them back in my face. 25 years and it is just like I don't exist any more. I keep thinking what is he doing. I keep thinking what is she like. I feel like I am going mad. I don't deserve this I am a loving caring person and have been totally faithful to him for 25 years. He is contacting my boys regularly and making arrangements to see them. Taking them all the places he knows they love going and doing things he knows they love doing. They are devastated by what he has done but also want to see him especially as it is now all quality time. I am the one who is having to do all the 'nasty' things like homework etc. I don't want him to take my boys too - they are my only reason for living. I want to punish him so badly. Thanks for your advice about seeing a counsellor but I just don't think I am up to it at the moment. I am wallowing in self pity and am an emotional wreck and he doesn't even care. The day before he left he told me he loved me and made love to me - why did he do that? I will never forgive him.

i have sent you a private message.what seems to be true is that the adulterer is in a rather self absorbed state.its all about me me me obviously.i would say don't believe a word he says ever again its all about relieving his guilt.he knows what he has done.his the boys are old enough to make their own minds up about him.it won't happen for a while but stand back.the adulterers will tell you any crap to distance themselves from painful emotions of guilt.we are niave we want to believe them and we get thrown into confusion and hope.i have learnt it is not possible to rationalise them this is what the mid life crisis adulterer is all about.When i lived in hope my ex was as cruel as to say are you stupid have you no self respect for yourself wanting me back after all i have done to you.he found me weak and pathetic for wanting my family.