Feeling a wee bit of a fake

Hi everyone.

Thought I would introduce myself. I have been divorced now about a year and a half. I am an expat working in Saudi Arabia. In Feb 2005 I found out my exwife of 20 years was having an affair with a coworker out here, she would'ent give him up, he was married with 4 kids back in Scotland, no intensions of leaving his wife. We seperated I was devestated. I never found out why she had the affair, but I acknowledge I contributed to the marraige breakdown, I had got in to a "comfort zone" forgotten her needs. Ow thought I was more sensertive than that!

I thought I had moved on and healed, but I have now moved to a new location here in Saudi and I bumped in to them. He is divorcing and she looks like the cat who got the cream, I was instantly transported to 2005 when I found out about the affair and am hurting again. I never wanted to loose my wife. She divorced me 1 year seperation under Scottish Law, we sort of worked out an amicable seperation, she got the house, I got the savings.

I am seeing a lovely lady who means the world to me, why does she have the power to tear my heart out still after all she did to me?

Am I being unfair to my new partner? Feeling this way about my ex.

Take care

Brian

Hello Brian, and welcome to Wikivorce. Land of tangled relationships and things we could or should have done differently.

It must be a very peculiar feeling to bump into your ex in the circumstances that you did.

You were married for twenty years - that is a hell of a long time. You were the unwilling respondant back in 2005. You didn't want the separation and divorce.

But to quote your own words:

and she looks like the cat who got the cream

What does that say? To me it says that she made her decision in 2005 and is perfectly happy with it. Bluntly, she didn't choose you.

You need to bring closure on that relationship Brian, so that you can enjoy a new one. You feel guilty that you have feelings for your ex, whilst in a new relationship? I can understand that. But did you start a new relationship too early? Had you not brought closure to the old one? Was the new relationship a hasty substitute for the old one? Or do you care deeply about your new partner? How does she feel about you? Does she think that there is more to your relationship than you do? If that is the case, then I do feel that you are being unfair to her.

If you do care deeply about her, but your ex's sudden re-appearence has played you a curved ball, then I think that if your relationship with your new partner is strong, you will overcome those feelings with time.

Sadly, the ball is firmly in your court, in either scenario.

Just my thoughts, maybe others will differ.

Best of luck Brian, hope it helps

Mike

Brian,
Your ex was a big part of your life, seeing her may have triggered old emotions and memories. You are but human, you appear to be more honest than unfair. Some people face the remains of past relationships daily and are still haunted and bemused by reactions they have. Stay focused on now and the future, the past has gone.
Elle

hi Brian,reading what you said it seems to me you never had closure emotionally.you probably shut off any feelings you had and that was that.her reappearance has made you suddenly remember all those feelings you never dealt with at the time.what elle and Mike said is true and it is all in the past,so dont dwell too much on it.you're happy now ,so look forward not back.Time to close the door on the past and look to your future,it has better prospects.none of us can change the clocks back in our lives and I dont think trying to would get you anywhere.don't overburden yourself with guilt now,it wasn't your fault it went wrong with your x.

Hi Brian

I think its alot to ask that you could move on and yr ex would never mean anything to you again esp after 20 years. Most of us live with the reality that someone who was once a big part of our life cannot be wiped out as much as we think we want that. If you have kids together as well it componds the entanglement. I know people who have divorced and remarried and decades on they are still affected when the ex dies. The question is do you feel you want to be with her still? I would guess you might be responding to the feelings of betrayal wrapped up in the end of the relationship, being the one who didnt see it comming you had to come to terms with the end in a different way and no doubt havent completely sorted it all out in yr head. Having met someone else you probably thought it was dealt with because you found new happiness. These are separate relationships and unfortunately just because you are with someone new it doesnt mean you dont have some feelings for someone old, whats important is who you want to be with and what you actively choose to do. Having feelings isnt a crime its what you do about them that makes the difference. I wouldnt beat yourself up about it perhaps secretly you were hoping her affair wouldnt work out and yr a little irritated by the fact that she seems to have got what she wanted. It would be nice to be the bigger person but hell we are all human! - Rasher

Thankyou for all your very kind replys.

I have been discussing this with my new partner and she is of the opinion that basically as everything was so clean cut and clinical, me left in Saudi, ex returned to Scotland, Adult step kids, easy finacial resolution. I had'nt mourned the loss of my marraige completly and got closure, Denial really.

Your right as well I tend to dwell in the past. I should be looking forward. I am blessed with a lovely partner.

I suppose we all carry around regrets and feelings that will be with us for the rest of our lives.

thanks

Brian

Hi Brian,

Well done you for talking to your partner about it. That's a really healthy thing to do and says a great deal about your respect for her. I agree with much of what others have said... I think it's also worth looking at quite 'what' the hurt feelings are based on. I mean, is it wanting / anger? If it's only angry hurt, I don't think that necessarily means you still want her deep down - but (as someone said earlier) simply lack of closure.

I also think that it's exactly this kind of testing that tells us - and partners - what we're made of... the course of true love never did run smooth...

Good luck to you

Shez