Another Newbie...

Hi all,

Just a brief outline (after all, who knows if stbx is lurking around here somewhere.. )

We married in 2001 - a disaster. The first time he decided the marriage was over, we were still on honeymoon. Then again after 2 months. And on... and on. His typical response after saying this would be to do nothing and wait for it all to go away, or wait for me to 'fix' it. There are far too many reasons for divorce for me (some huge, some fairly big and many quite trivial ones). The last time he said it was over, we began to attend Relate counselling - 8 months in total. The week of our last visit, he 'ended' the marriage.

In 2006, instead of resolving, I moved out of our shared room and we lived separate lives until the house sold in 2007. I haven't seen him since. Neither of us have commenced legal proceedings so far and I'm thinking about steps for divorce. It's now over 2 years since we began living separately - though still under the same roof for part of it. There was no legal agreement of separation. I can't imagine he would contest a divorce - though I could be wrong. I suppose what I'm really wondering about is whether I have to wait for 2 years since we physically separated (ie. left the house) or if I could petition now. Maybe he would want to petition me... who knows

Advice, thoughts, feedback... all welcome

Shez

Hi Shezi79,

To be classed as living separately under the same roof thus starting your 2 year separation, you have to satisfy these kind of conditions anyway:-

- have separate food storage areas in the kitchen
- do not eat together, share meals (even at separate times) or make drinks for each other
- spend leisure time in different rooms of the house
- do not share couple activities like outings, watching television, DIY or gardening
- undertake any childcare separately
- separate their finances as much as possible
- discontinue any sexual relationship
- agree that the situation will not stay the same indefinitely: there is an intention that one partner will leave – whether before or after actual decree received

The question begs, would you not be best going for a non time limited option like UB (unreasonable behaviour) ?

Unreasonable behaviour - How bad does it have to be?
The most serious allegations of unreasonable behaviour tend to involve violence by one party to the marriage towards the other and, occasionally, even to the children of the family.

Other common allegations of behaviour include drunkenness, verbal abuse, mental cruelty and public humiliation.

Lesser examples of unreasonable behaviour, but nevertheless still worthy examples, include excessive jealousy, accusations of adulterous relationships, failing to help with household chores, financial incompetence leading to money problems, and a refusal to discuss marriage difficulties.

There is no single necessary ingredient. The court will simply consider the allegations in broad terms and decide whether the party who has made the allegations of unreasonable behaviour can, in the light of that behaviour, be reasonably expected to live with their spouse.

Mike

Thanks Mike,

I've considered UB many times - there are issues there that I doubt a court would dispute - but it comes with a price. He is incredibly devious and, right now, he doesn't interfere in my life in any way (as far as I know). I'm pretty sure that if I attempted to divorce him then that would change. Given that in general I won't go as far as he will in any retaliatory behaviour, I'm never going to come out of a fight well. I guess all that is a complex way of saying I think I'm a bit cowardly about disturbing the status quo.

As for your description of how to demonstrate separate living (interestingly, it sounds like the marriage itself ) - yes, is the answer to each point. My question is, how can that be demonstrated? If stbx agrees, is that sufficient?

I know I probably sound a bit pathetic, waiting the time out, but the important thing to me was to get out of the house altogether - which I did last May. A divorce is only taking care of unfinished business - he doesn't play a part in my life now.

Shez

Here is an extract from www.insidedivorce.com/divorce-help/How-t...B82C7D8D0CE19DE54FC7

Two years separation with consent:
This is undoubtedly the most civilised way to go, if you can wait that long. You both have to agree that the marriage has broken down, but no reasons are necessary. The snag is the time period.
Sometimes it’s just not possible for you to move to separate addresses - many people can’t afford it – but you can satisfy the court that you are living separate lives, albeit under the same roof, if you don’t cook, clean, eat or interact together. “99% of divorce cases are a paper pushing exercise and if the respondent agrees that you are living separate lives, there’ll be no problem,” said Stewart.
It can create a tense atmosphere, particularly if there are children involved, and separate sleeping arrangements are obviously a help, although the court has granted a divorce to couples still sleeping in the same bed.

That's brilliant Mike - exactly the kind of information I'm looking for.

Thanks

Shez