Hello Everyone!

Hi, I've been married nearly 19 years, have two children (daughter aged 15 and son aged 13) and it looks as though I'm heading for divorce.

My husband and I have recently separated as he's been having an affair with a 21 year old (classic mid-life crisis - he's 43!) and although he knows it won't last with her he isn't sure whether he wants to remain with me. He had finished with her as he wanted to do the right thing by me and the children but she got back in touch and although he told her several times it was over he couldn't resist.

He's currently renting a room while we have a trial separation. The girlfriend is currently out of the picture as she's travelling abroad for 4 months.

My main concern is that I don't want to lose the family home, there is no way I could afford to buy anywhere else - and why should my children lose the only home they've known? We only have 4 years to go on the mortgage so we've nearly realised our dream of being mortgage free whilst still young (I'm only 41!).

We have remained good friends so no animosity thank goodness, but I am concerned re how I would cope financially should it get as far as divorce. He's really bad with money, I've been the one to keep an eye on our finances and warn him when he's in trouble, and I'm worried that if he's on his own he may default on payments he should make towards mortgage etc as there'll be no one to keep a check on him.

Think that's all for now - looking forward to hearing from anyone out there in a similar situation or who may have any advice.

Tey

Tey,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Sadly you are far from being the only one. But welcome to wiki. The first thing I would say about your post is you talk about him working out what he wants - perhaps you should be thinking harder about what YOU want. At 41 you have been married a long time but you are plenty young enough to do something else with your life!

SO we can help with the financials, we need abit of info.

Do you work? And if you do what kind of mortgage could you raise?

That may be an important factor in keeping the house. I agree it is important to try to keep disruption for the kids to a minimum. That is what courts try to do if possible but they also want to ensure both partners are housed.

You need to gather together all the financial information you can so you can work out exactly what the assets are to be divided.

These include house value
outstanding mortgage
endowments - current value
savings
investments - premium bonds, shares etc
other material assets - cars etc
and pensions.

Only when you know what all these are worth can you work out how much there is in the pot and whether there is enough to meet your respective needs.

You can crunch the numbers in the wiki calculator to give you some guidance and there are lots of people here - legal and otherwise - who will do their best to answer any questions you have.

best wishes

Hadenoughnow

Thanks for your reply .. yes, I am thinking about what I want and have to say I feel that at my age I have time on my side to start anew and have a good future. I'm also fortunate enough to have a good network of friends and relations (including all my in-laws) to help me stay positive. I'm going to get on to estate agents to value the house; I already know the outstanding mortgage and luckily am in a good job so could raise a decent mortgage, though whether enough to buy my husband out is another matter. To be honest, it's the finances I worry about more than anything else!

Tey,

Don't forget about pensions. They can be significant - and you do not always have to hand over cash now ... there are other ways to reach a settlement. Do post for more advice once you have the info you need.

From what you have said it does sound as though you would be best off not having to depend on him for money if that can be arranged somehow.

Hadenoughnow