Where on earth do I start?

Hi all,

So, here goes.

I met my wife at school, moved in together around 1988, bought our first house in 1991, married in 1993, boys born 1994, 1997 & 1999.

Before we were married, but after buying the house, I find she had a fling with a mutual 'friend' - worked our way through that one.

Then early 2000's find she had another fling with another mutual 'friend' - worked through that one too.

Then around 2007, yet another fling but this time a complete unknown to me. They got together while she was on a three year training course. He wasn't on the course but associated with those who were. I was the one encouraging her to go out and socialise with her new student colleagues and build relationships with them for those training years. Didn't think she'd be building relationships with someone else as part of it. Worked through this one too (You might be starting to realise the significance of my username now!)

2008 came the breast cancer diagnosis, like the training, again I supported her through it.

Now come to this March. In 2016 she'd embarked on a new career in the entertainment industry. She became close to a 'friend' on one production but was very open and the three of us would meet up periodically, though not often as there is a huge distance between us and him. I had no concerns.

A new production she was in was being filmed close to him so I was the one who suggested she stayed there to save on hotel costs. (Get the username now??)

Well, the obvious happened. (That's why I'm here)

We tried to work through it but along came a partnership in a big new project meant that she had little time for us as it was at the fledgling stage. To make it worse the other business partner is male and most of her time is now spent messaging him and attending meetings. Naturally, she's assuring me that the relationship is purely professional and, I tend to accept this...warily.

However, she also booked a week abroad staying at our home there, so she could concentrate more of the film she is writing that is set in the area. Work meant I felt I couldn't go with her despite her repeatedly asking me to.

No, it transpires, the business partner is going out there at the same time so they can check out filming locations, though he has arranged to stay elsewhere and not at our house.

Work had been stressful for me at the time and the day after it was mentioned that the business partner I decided to bite the bullet and book the trip to go with her, mainly because she has still been asking me to go, the flight prices had gone down and I just needed a break. I thought that she would be pleased that I was going (she had even mentioned it the night before I booked it) but, suddenly, this was construed by her that I wasn't trusting her.

Much cold shoulder treatment since!

Then last night it came to a head, she's accusing me of being controlling over many years (did I mention the support I gave her through her training, cancer and entertainment careers, as well as making sure I worked enough so she didn't have to while bringing the boys up). I pretty much worshipped the ground she walked on, my whole purpose in life was to make her happy and I get this thrown at me!

Much was said and it turns out there have also been a few one-night stands over the years too.

So, MoreFoolMe is becoming NoMoreTheFool.

I've told her it's over and that I'll be filing for divorce. Her reaction is to stop talking to me and just say we'll talk in a few days when it's all calmed down - might be too late by then, the papers will be filed.

So, after all that, why the merry chuff am I feeling so scared and low with it? It should be liberating to get rid of the baggage of never fully trusting her, of wondering what she's really up to (irrationally most of the time).

Answers on a postcard...

...or on this forum!

PS. Sorry about the length of this post!

I like "NoMoreTheFool" better.

31 years is a long time to be with your partner so there would be something seriously wrong with you if you did not feel scared and low in the circumstances - such feelings are normal.

Keep strong, look after yourself and good luck.

Things will get better.

Even if you don't think the marriage can be saved, it is worth booking some sessions with Relate or another counselling/mediation service. It can help you both come to terms with what's gone on and make the break up easier to deal with.
The knock on for this is that dismantling the finances etc will be less acrimonious.

I would not rush to file papers but instead reflect on your situation and take,any action when the dust has settled rather than when you are distressed.

As to the situation you are in, different people manage their marriages in different ways. For some the earlier incidents would have been the end. You say you dealt with them and moved on. But perhaps your reaction to this latest "business" relationship shows that you didn't really deal with your feelings.

Your wife has had a life changing experience with her health as well as training that seems to have allowed her to really spread her wings. Is there perhaps an element of you feeling a bit rejected because she is more independent now the children are adults?

You talk about the support you have given her and that she is now describing you as controlling. Again this could be a function of her being able to have more freedom now the children are adults; her previous life may feel quite stifling by comparison. That wasnt your fault. It goes with the wife/mother territory, even in these relatively enlightened times.

Finally you mention concerns about messaging and having meetings with her business partner who happens to be male. Would you have the same concerns if the business partner was female? How would you feel if she was jealous of every female you worked with? Mixing business and pleasure is never a great idea.

Yes she has admitted to relationships outside of the marriage. I think rather than simply blaming her, you could consider what she was looking for in these flings/affairs. Perhaps she just enjoyed being seen as an attractive woman, not just mum or wife. Maybe she doesn't even know why herself.

It could be that her work is fulfilling that need in her now. It is great that she is realising her potential. You mention that your work has been stressful. I wonder perhaps if there is an element of resentment that she is enjoying an upsurge in her career perhaps at a time when yours is not going so well??

31 years is a lot to throw away without some careful thought and reflection. Life after divorce can be better but it can also be a lot worse for some. You are,splitting one home into two. Your children are dividing their time between you and you lose the person who probably knows you better than anyone. I would never urge anyone to stay in a marriage that was totally wrong but I would counsel you to think about what's driving both of you before pushing the nuclear button.

Hadenoughnow