Dont know how to get out

I dont know where to start but after 35 years being with my husband I desperately want to leave the marriage
I know it's hard for everyone but mine seems an impossible task & I really dont know where to begin
The details are too complex but simply I run a pub with him with live in accommodation & he pays my wages ( if I get any )
I have no family & have never been allowed friends so have no one to turn to
If I leave I lose my job & my home .... same if he walks out when I tell him it's over he has the license so the brewery would want me to go .if I'm allowed out & find somewhere to rent they all seem to want job references... if I leave I've lost my job ,I would be able to get a job easy enough to pay the rent but it would take time & to a landlord I would be unemployed
We have no savings & we have grown up children who live at home ,I'm sure the kids would want to come with me & I wouldn't want to leave them anyway
But ive been controlled & conditioned for so long I wouldn't know where to start
I am just so desperately unhappy

Welcome to Wikivorce but sorry you find yourself here.

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in but well done for having the courage to start exploring how to get out.

What you are describing sounds like a level of financial and emotional control of the kind that is now recognised as unacceptable behaviour and even criminal.

There are sources of support and help out there. I would suggest your first port of call should be something like the citizens advice bureau. They can probably put you in touch with agencies that can offer practical help and support as well as advising you on how you could be supported financially. You may also want to call an organisation such as Women's Aid (or any domestic abuse organisation locally). Domestic abuse is not just about bruises and broken bones. They will be well versed in the effects of coercive control.

One thought - would you be able to get a personal licence in your own right? It might be worth exploring. If he was to walk out, you could talk to the brewery about putting in a temporary manager while you got your licence.

Hadenoughnow

Thank you for taking time to reply .... it has been mentioned before about coercive behaviour but I dont know if it's that or I'm just being a drama queen ???
I would love to go to speak to someone see citizens advice but it's hard for me to get out I need a good reason to go out & then I'm timed so it's hard. There doesn't seem to be advice that you can seek that's specific to your issues online .... I cant even make phone calls I'm with him 24/7 & he needs to know which room I'm in & why so its hard I just feel so trapped

Cluelesstotally wrote:

it's hard for me to get out I need a good reason to go out & then I'm timed so it's hard .... I cant even make phone calls I'm with him 24/7 & he needs to know which room I'm in & why so its hard I just feel so trapped

You have very aptly described coercive control. You are definitely not a drama queen! Coercive control is now recognised as a form of abuse as mentioned above.

I don't think it sounds like you are being a drama queen. The trouble is that when your life is a long way from anything that could be considered normal it is very hard to know what's what. It does not help if your judgement on everything is being questioned and you cannot even control your own time.

Have a look at this.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support...se/coercive-control/

Could one of the adult children help in any way?
They could call the domestic abuse helpline and/or speak to the police.

What about going to the doctor? You could tell your GP what is going on if you can find a reason to go.

Is this something that has started happening recently? Or has it always been a feature of yiy marriage?

Hadenoughnow

”But ive been controlled & conditioned for so long I wouldn't know where to start”

You’ve started. You’ve started by coming to this site, full of amazing people who love to help others. I’m no expert, but there are many here who are.

I would add that you must not give up hope, despite feeling overwhelmed. And I can only imagine how tough life has been. (I imagine even sending these messages may have been a challenge for you )

However, believe that life can and will get better. Keep in touch. Message on this forum and accept the outstretched hand of help.

I know I live a lie on how i feel dont show anyone its easier that way put on a mask & hide behind it .... even doing this opening up a little i can feel a lump in my throat & tears stinging my eyes
When i have tried to seek help people have said about coercive behaviour & deep down I know it's that... I spend my life walking on eggshells so as not to upset him...I annoy myself I have let this happen but now ive put up such a wall I dont come across to others as a weak woman, I'm always seen as the 'tough' one ..... the one with 'the b**ch aura' little do they know
But in reality I'm too scared of conflict I'm too scared to go down the coercive behaviour route he cant see hes doing anything wrong so is it me just blowing things out of proportion?
I've been with him such along time I know how to behave now so should I just get on with it ?
The things he does & says that upset me if said out loud I just feel they are trivia & am i not being selfish
I dont want authorities involved I just want to know if theres anyway I can plan an escape work out how I can get a flat ,I'd be able to get a deposit but I'd need breathing space to find a job .
The sad thing is I know I'd be happier without him .... the only way I can describe it is an abused dog wouldn't run if the gate was left open cause it knows no different..... it just needs someone to see & to help