Lost and confused

Hello all,

Im not sure where to start really.

Firstly I'm a mess, this separation thing is a mindfield so looking for advice I guess.

So for the past 11 weeks the wife and myself have had very little in the way of communication as it transpires the wife is not into our relationship anymore. During this time we tried counselling which obviously didn't go the way I was intending.

Anyways. I can't change the inevitable so our whole goal is to make this go as smoothly as possible and for as least cost as possible.

Background info.

We've been married 10 years
We have 2 children 6 & 8
We have a mortgage (joint)
We have some debt


The plan.

So we've spoken about everything, we are very amicable and we can agree on everything in regards to the children, finances, bills, possessions.

Neither of us have specially taken legal advice, I have spoken to a family law solicitor over the phone to get some advice though.

The idea is that I move out under the duress of a Separation Agreement stating everything we have agreed on and also stating that I am moving out to ease the tension within the house (children obviously picking up on the atmosphere and the fact were sleeping separate etc)
Also included in the separation agreement is that she would buy me out of the house within an agreed timeframe.

Reading around says to take legal advice first (the family law person said that as I'm leaving for with good intentions it would be ok)
Also I read that in regards to separation agreements a solicitor should look over it for each of us and then other places says we can do this without the need for solicitors.

So as you can tell I'm lost and confused about what info to believe and it's incredibly hard to keep it together in the house knowing that inevitably going to be moving out.

Would just love some advice or good news stories from people who have been through it I guess.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Hello there,

Many of us were lost, confused and thought we were losing at life but that was and is not the case!

Its normal to have those feelings in the beginning and they do get better with time. In the beginning a close friend of mine told me that if I didn't feel that way something then they would have thought something was wrong with me. The "beginning" can last weeks, months or years, depends on the person.

The critical thing missing from your plan when will you actually start the divorce process. I filed for divorce after 2 years separation with consent because I wanted to keep things amicable. I used a solicitor but it can be done online these days.

In terms of advice, in hindsight, I should have started the divorce process as soon as possible after separation by filing a divorce petition going for unreasonable behavior. The reasons can be agreed so things do not have to become too contentious. 2 years is a long time to wait and circumstances, behavior, financial situation, new partners, etc. can change in that time so there are risks involved in waiting.

Additionally, the separation agreement is not enforceable, the only agreement recognized is the Consent Order which is approved by the court after Decree Nisi has been granted.

Make a list of the short term/immediate (days/weeks) and medium term (weeks/months) things you need to do with target dates for completing them and get started! You will feel better and more in control when you have that plan and start working it.

Good luck

VIG

Thankyou for the reply.

We haven't spoken about divorce but waiting 2 years was what I had in my head.

I don't know what short or long term things are. All I know is that I am a broken man.

I just want my girls to be ok! They are my life!! They've not been told yet as it's my eldests birthday in a few weeks and it's going to ruin her. She is very much a daddy's girl.

I've never felt so low in my entire life as I do right now.

Hey I am in a similar situation to you with kids of a similar age, but I am a bit further down the line (we didn't have any WC and my wife doesn't want to try and fix it ). My wife dropped the bombshell at the beginning of Jan. I moved in with a friend about a month later and then moved into a rented flat 3 days before lockdown. I still don't want the relationship to be over but can't change her mind. She then drop the D bomb about a month ago say we need to do this using unreasonable behaviour, I was not keen on this as I was unsure of the how UB worked, I wanted to wait 2 years.
I am now at the point where I am just going with it Don’t get me wrong I don’t want this to be the end but I need to push on for my own mental health. I could argue each of the points she raised as they are all just things that happen in a marriage, but it will then become ‘tit for tat’. I will be saying on the divorce form that I refute an allegations.
If you want to reach out then feel free to private message me.

Hi Mike. Thankyou for that comment. its really a hard pill to swallow when you dont want it to end.

did you have a mortgage? how have you dealt with that side of things?

we've actually discussed divorce since my last message. 2 years seems ok with both parties (would give her time to sort the mortgage then)

ive not moved out as yet, im standing my ground in that respect and have said i am looking but want a suitable place and in a nice area (otherwise i know that could potentially cause issues)

im horrified at the rent prices £800 a month for any decent 2 bed apartments which are in nice areas.

im like you in that although i dont want it to be over i need to move on in some form or another. ive lost alot of weight (which i didnt have in the first place) and constantly exhausted which i can only assume is emotional exhuastion or burnout.

im keeping it together around the childen which is hard but necessary.
unfortunately ive never been a socialable person so when i moved to the area to be with the wife i left behind all my friends and have never really made any new ones except spouses of the wifes friends.

im looking at an apartment this weekend which is suitable and suprisingly in my budget. most places i find go before i get chance to look at them.

did you also have any legal advice before moving out? if so what kind of things did they say.

sorry for all the questions