What ever happened to the first knew.

I have recently been wondering what ever happened to the person I first knew or have I never really known him at all or was it all a lie.
How do people have two sides to them?.
If my marriage wasn''t bad enough why do they behave in the disgusting way they do during divorce?.
Why do people think it''s ok to make another''s life a misery and in my case kept it up for 4 years.
In my mind I need answers to these questions as I feel this is what''s going to stop me moving forward to meeting someone new.
If I did meet someone and it didn''t work out would they behave in the same disgusting manor.

I don''t have the answers sorry but I do mirror your questions. I can only assume that it is their coping mechanism when they have decided to do what they do for whatever reason. I suppose guilt, denial, regret, selfishness etc makes them into something they never were. I told my husband I don''t hate him, I hate that he has become the type of person he once would have himself hated!

I know I knew my husband I know that for the most part he was a good, kind and caring husband - you can''t pretend to be something you''re not for 12years. However I have no idea what switch was tripped in his head these last few months & if I was to ask him I don''t think he''d really know either.

I agree it would be easier to move on and think we wouldn''t make the same mistakes again if we could only understand. If I was to have the last 12 years over I would still have chosen the same man but with hindsight would have made some different choices along the way. I hope you find your answers but I think if we rely on this to find peace we will both be in turmoil for sometime to come. Just know it''s not you it most definitely is them! Xx

I''ve said it before, it''s not about the ex. It is the things that drew you into that and kept you in a relationship with someone like that, someone who had two sides to them.

It''s focussing on the ex that keeps people stuck in my view. I''m not saying that about people transitioning and coming terms with the loss of a spouse and marriage. It''s normal to focus on the ex for a period of time wondering what the hell happened.

The question that assisted me longer term was

What is it about me that led me into a marriage with someone capable of treating me so badly?

That''s where I found the answers.

Yes I totally agree with you Shoegirl and believe me ive asked myself that question too.
I met my ex when I was young and now I''m older and wiser and certainly wouldn''t choose him again.
They say it''s takes several times to leave an abuser and took me 3 but I do sit down and think why do people behave in this manor someone I thought I knew for 20 years.
I''ve spoken with people who have gone through the same thing and all seem to think the same but the amount of stories you hear where the abuser tries to destroy the others life is unreal...its like it''s programmed into their brain.
I''m 4 years on now and his anger is slowing down and like I think there is not much more he can do now but it''s been a hell of a ride and not one I''d want to go through again x

I personally found ruminating about the abuse unhelpful at a certain point in my own journey.

I understand me now, what led me to get into my own situation with my and trapped there. I take responsibility for my own choices and for allowing someone to treat me in a way that was frankly abhorrent.

I didn''t understand why I had allowed this to happen to me for a long time. It took me years of work to understand it and what happened doesn''t now affect me emotionally or psychologically.

The one comment that has stuck in my mind after I had counselling following the end of my abusive marriage, Why do you think he did this to you. What was it about you that allowed this to happen.

I was shocked and upset by the comment assuming she meant I deserved the bad treatment but actually what she meant change my thinking. It made me realise I cant change other peoples behaviour only my own.

Looking for answer/reasons why ''they'' behaviour like this is fruitless, look at why you were attracted to that person, that will allow you to move on.

You are so right, Shoegirl. Looking at myself and how I had got into a relationship with someone who treated me badly from the beginning, if I am honest, helped me understand the nature of the marriage and the way it ended. Quite frankly he did not change into another person - I had convinced myself he was other than he was because I found him so attractive. It has taken a long time to understand this and admit it to myself. I was very young and inexperienced when I met him. It is a shame we cannot go back to our youth with all the knowledge and understanding that is now in our heads. I often wonder where life would have taken me if I had been strong enough to take a different path.