Back to square one

I have been separated six years and divorced since March this year. Financials not settled but that is another story.

Last night my son told me his dad was going down to visit him this weekend and had asked if he could take OW. My son agreed as he has met her before but not very often and not to spend a weekend with.

He has said he is not looking forward to it but that unless she went he would not see his dad which I understand. They are not staying with my son and his girlfriend as my son did not want her at his home.

He has asked me if I mind and I told him that obviously it is his choice if he wants to involve her in his life but that it did hurt a little, to which he said he would not see dad if he didn''t and it would not change anything between us. I didn''t comment on that but I think it says a lot if dad won''t see him without her, but that is just me and I am scared it will change things.

This has taken me right back to how I felt when he first left saying he would turn the kids against me and they would start a new life with him and her family.

Common sense says I shouldn''t feel this way but my emotions have got the better of me.

I think I need some reassurance I will not be losing my son as my ex promised I would.

Julie, sorry to hear you feel you have had a setback.

Your children are now fully-fledged adults, with minds of their own, and capable of making their own choices. Throughout the last 6 years, they ahve stood by your side and made it clear to their Dad that they don''t wish to have a relationship with his partner. Doesn''t that tell you something?

Our son has asked you, out of respect and concern, if you mind him seeing his Dad and his partner - doesn''t that tell you something? If you had had a partner for a number of years, wouldn''t you wish for him to be included in family events and accepted by your adult children?

Your children love you, and you are thier Mum, no matter how old they are. You aren''t going to lose them, and if you can only accept that they wish to have a relationship with their Dad too (and that means having to spend time with his partner from time to time), then everyone''s lives will much more relaxed.

julie321 wrote:

Common sense says I shouldn''t feel this way but my emotions have got the better of me.

I think I need some reassurance I will not be losing my son as my ex promised I would.

Your common sense is right. You wont lose your son. For a number of reasons.

You are doing and saying the right things. You are not encouraging split loyalties and putting your son in an impossible situation where he has to chose. Thats good.

Lastly on this subject, your a mum. From your body emerged your son. You actually made him inside you. And for that reason, offspring have a special biological bond with the mother that cannot be broken. No matter what is said and no matter what is done. Despite what others say, this is true of almost everyone.

People say lots of things. I am going to take the children off you. Said in the heat of the moment as divorce is pretty emotive. You shouldn''t take a lot of notice of what people say to you. Actions speak louder than words and he has not taken the children from you as he cant really.

But I think you need to prepare yourself for what is to come. Chances are, your son may like this women and may want to see her regularly. And this is a toughy for you. If the OW is true and decent, she wont try and replace you. She will recognise that your the mother and wont get in the way. But either way, you need to do nothing in this space. Just be the mum that you are and always will be. No matter what others say and do. Marshy.

I think if things had been different and ex had met this woman after we seperated I would feel different, but it is the fact of the lies and deceit and the betrayal I felt and the hurt i was put through not only by them but his family too that makes it difficult for me to accept her being part of my childrens lives.
If I had a partner i would respect my childrens wishes and not keep pushing for something they really didn''t want.
Ultimatums that if she can''t come you won''t see me in my mind are unfair.

julie321 wrote:

I think if things had been different and ex had met this woman after we seperated I would feel different, but it is the fact of the lies and deceit and the betrayal I felt and the hurt i was put through not only by them but his family too that makes it difficult for me to accept her being part of my childrens lives.
If I had a partner i would respect my childrens wishes and not keep pushing for something they really didn''t want.
Ultimatums that if she can''t come you won''t see me in my mind are unfair.

I understand. He cheated and lied to you. And its a bitter pill to swallow what I am about to say. But... The past is the past. And it would help you if you could get past this. What is done is done. This woman is just a random person. Like the OM is to me. If it wasnt this person it would have been someone else. Also, you dont know who is in the driving seat here. It could be your ex. In fact it probably is. But she has to go along with what he says. If she says she doesnt want to meet them and its too soon, he may turn on her. No one knows what goes on between 4 walls.

Saying this wont work:

If I had a partner i would respect my childrens wishes and not keep pushing for something they really didn''t want.

What your actually doing is taking your logic and your core values and dropping them on someone else''s head and expect it them to work. They wont. We are all different. We all have different ways of thinking.

I am not asking you to accept this OW into your life sit down and have a cuppa and a slice of Madeira, I am saying accept what has happened and try and learn to cope with it. Thats the key for you I feel in this space.

Ultimatums that if she can''t come you won''t see me in my mind are unfair.

This is not your fight to fight. Him giving the above ultimatum is down to him. Not you. I know you want to protect your son and you know that contact between your son and his father is good but you dont own this relationship. If your ex wants to cock up the relationship between him and his son thats his look out.

Your doing the right thing. Being supportive of your son in his wishes. Thats all you need to do. I honestly wish you and other women like you were my ex. My ex waded in with both feet and made me the monster and the OM the hero. But we dont get to chose our breakups. What happens happens.

But I feel kinda bad. You and I go back aways and I feel I am kinda adding to your pain. I cant do it and say it any other way. So sorry for that Julie. Marshy.

No Marshy
I know what you and Ruby say is right. Unfortunately although the kids are grown it is hard not to want to protect them. I need to back off I know I do but the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach is hard to ignore.

Talked to my daughter on skype as she is in America at present studying.
Told her what was happening with dad and OW going to see her brother and she cried.
She said her brother did not suffer the pain she and I did as he was away at Uni when her dad left. She said there was no way she would accept an ultimatum like this and would refuse to see her dad if he did this to her.
She knows though that her brother is a peacemaker and tries to please everyone but ib this case I think she fells very hurt at his actions and I hope this does not spoil their relationship, which up to now has been very close.