How do they manage to do it ?

"Being honest with myself, I compensated for years for this situation when we were together. I compensated for his limitations and over the years minimised, reframed and ignored all those times when he was less than he should have been in a marriage.

He was always the person he was and without me compensating, making allowances and doing the work of the relationship for both of us, the man he was came to the fore. He hadn''t changed, the reality was my own perception had shifted, I''d stopped projecting what I wanted to see and saw who he was really. A man who I think did care in his own way but was incapable of considering other people''s needs as at least equal to his own and a man who had limitations."

Wow. Just wow. This really resonated with me. Thank you
X

Part of that honesty for me was understanding my own role in the situation I found myself in. The reality is that I made a choice to make a relationship work (as well as I could with his issues) with an emotionally unavailable man

I had after all, chosen to reframe, ignore and minimise his pxss poor behaviour over the years which in the end escalated into some pretty horrible acts of betrayal. I placed my trust in someone that was incapable of considering my needs as important as his own.

The reality was for me that I was culpable on some level for my situation for those reasons. I made some poor choices too about being with someone like that. Back then, he might have been incapable of empathy or being a husband frankly, but I failed to spot what I was walking into when I got involved with someone like that. I gave far too much and expected far too little in return. I played my own role in the dance of that marriage. Projecting blame in the end didn''t work for me. Because I had too made my choices to minimise reframe and ignore frankly and I had betrayed myself in doing so for years. I put up with so much that wasn''t good enough from him and made excuses for all of it when we were together. For both of us, our marriage wasn''t about my needs. I''d allowed take take take and no give for years. My choice however unconscious it may have been at the time. I still made those choices

In the end, by understanding my part in this,I saw how I too contributed to the situation I eventually found myself in and make it my business to learn how to live and love differently. That''s what healing meant to me. Forgiving myself for the choices I made to be with someone like that and to allow him and me actually for years to neglect my own needs. His affairs were a symptom of a much wider issue and one that I had unwittingly supported over the years. It was by making sense of my own contribution to the situation I found myself in that I finally was able to understand and fully very eventually let go.

Shoes,
I resonate with your words and I accept the similarities in our marriages,and yes I do take the blame for allowing some of his bad behaviour.
The point I am making in this post is.

The relationship my eldest and him share is non-existent,and all I get from him is
"I text her and she does not reply"
Heyho,ask yourself why?
You lied to her face....

Now he has a chance because of our present troubles to step up to the plate,does he Nah...
My girls were both wanted not accidents,so why oh why can he just not think of them instead of himself...
I understand a lot in Stuke''s words,but this time it''s different...

I guess only Twonk will really know what is going on in his head,but all I know my girls and that little man are my everything,and being part of their lives is an honour,but like our other troubles we will get through this together and United..

Maybe I need to step back and let life take its course,let him face his consequences and not be the friend that I am....

Thanks again all
Afon
Xxxxxcwtchs

Afon, I get it I really do, everything you are saying.

The behaviours towards you and your girls are maybe part of the same issue. He should step up, he could behave differently, if only he would realise the impact of his behaviours on other people. Mam has to stand back and watch this and it''s awful.

When someone struggles with empathy and can''t show they care in the way we want them to, it''s awful. Stuka maybe has a point, he cares but doesn''t know how to show it.

If someone doesn''t have empathy, it can be hard for them to know how to respond when they are called to take the right action and demonstrate their feelings. They rely on others to show them the way. Lord I know I took this personally for years how can you not when its your own flesh and blood. I am still surrounded by people in my own family who lack empathy and I''ve had to find a way to deal with it.

He''s had you taking care of him, showing him the way for years.Now you''re not there, he ain''t got a clue and Mam as usual is picking up the pieces. Am I excusing his behaviour, no I am absolutely not. He''s a grown man who lacks awareness of his impact of his behaviours on others and he is not motivated to try and work on that for the benefit of his relationship with others. He maybe has an avoidant behaviour pattern. Avoids issues, burying his head in the sand maybe.

Yore right though, he alone must face the consequences of his actions. I did this with my own ex, yes mine was different of course. I thoght at the time to my very great sadness that he must be left alone to face the consequences of his own actions and I could not allow myself to get roped in to any kind of contact or the friendship he so desperately wanted to continue (err hello?) unless I felt there was some remorse and attempt to properly change his ways. Years on, nothing has changed and I''ve made my peace with it.

Shoes,I have read your reply several times now,and you are so right,it does make sense,but that still does not make me feel better lol..

Although I realise that I will never be able to aid a repair however fragmented that maybe in their relationship,that has to come from him,and only him.If he is not prepared to put that work in,that is his fault alone.

As a person I will support others with their issues,not for any return,just because of who I am,and even though we are now divorced I remained to support him,but I realise that sometimes people can actually take the pxxx out of you,just once too often,and that is where I am today..
Twonk will have to do what he has to do,and my eldest will do what she needs to do,I will do no more,my concentration will be on me and mine for the moment...

Thank you for those words of wisdom,and they really do resonate with me,and they do make me see the situation more clearly.

Afon xx