Keep going and it does get better.

After nearly two years I am about to start the next chapter of my life.
When I look back to when this started I find it hard to believe I would ever feel as I do now.
I have weathered my ex being arrested, myself diagnosed with a serious illness yet I have survived and am even feeling an unfamiliar sensation called happiness.
My Decree Absolute is through, our home is sold and I am about to move into my own place.
The one bit of advice I could give is don't struggle on your own. Post on here, tell your friends how awful you are feeling and remind yourself this time will pass.
In a way my ex being so difficult has helped because we have both had time to ajust to the new lives ahead.
Thank you to anyone who supported me through my worst times and hopefully I won't be on here much in future. I plan on a single life but full of hobbies and a part time job to keep me busy.
You will see the light at the end of the tunnel, just keep walking or crawling towards it.

Good advice Strawberrypimms, I too am starting a new chapter, I get married again in 5 weeks time and a large portion of the wedding guests are people who were there for me through the roughest times and saw me through to my divorce and everything (apart from the pension share) being sorted. It was almost worth the heartache to realise what wonderful friends I had.

Great to hear your story Strawberrypimms.

I am still at the stage of ruminating with depressive thoughts (Why, why, why?) and anxiety thoughts (the future is very scary and there is nothing to look forward to). I do this knowing that all thoughts will eventually pass and if you sit with the emotions, they will pass too. However, at times it is tough and the only strength that I get is to remember that I have two kids and they always will need their father.

They will and remember you also deserve a happy life.
I found it so very hard not to allow myself to sink into the black mud of thinking things looked impossible.
I am still encountering difficulties but I remind myself how far I have come and keep looking forward not back.
We can all ask why but it's past the stage where you can change what has happened, so try not to, a scab you keep uncovering won't heal..

I'm in the black hole, I hate weekends, leave work on a Friday and probably won't speak to a soul bar my children until I get back into work on Monday.
To make matters worse the ex arrives back in the country on Monday after a year so I have nervous kids as they don't know how to deal with him. He is apparently back for three months and then will go again, just as my daughter starts her Gcse s. I can just see all her hard work being lost as she will be upset.
We have no contact at all, haven't received any maintenance for a year and doubt his arrival will change that.
It's so tough trying to support the kids emotionally and financially on my own. But hey two years ago I was unemployed in debt and in a mess, now we have a new home, I have a job and no debt! We have come so far but sometimes it feels like we have come no further at all.

I suggest you let your ex see you are not that person in bits of last time you met. You have proved strong and brave and the children too will not be stupid, especially if GCSE age.
Just maintain that confident exterior and stay civil.
As for weekends what is to stop you inviting a friend round to share a meal with you, there is no need to stay alone.
I know it's hard but look back on how far you have come, and keep looking forwards.