Need to 'pull myself together' any tips ?

Feel very frustrated today. Why can I still not control my emotions 9 months after he left ? I apologise in advance for the rant but it helps so much to get some of the stupid thoughts that go around and around in my head out from time to time !

I accepted from the beginning he suddenly didn't love me anymore, he wouldn't even come home for two days when I found out about his affair. Didn't beg him to stay, tried to be dignified ( failed but tried ! ). Looked at my own faults. Cried a lot for a few months. Became ill for a while. Got on with life and looking after my brilliant kids the best that I could. Watched in horror as he seemingly forgot he had children. Managed to budget when he cut us off financially. Listened with distress when he repeatedly told me it was all my fault and at times was truly vile and actually nearly destroyed me with cruelty. He is still is so angry at me for some reason so we have very little contact because I don't want to listen to him put me down anymore and tell me he is the victim here. I know in my heart this is all because he has to justify himself and his behaviour but it doesn't make it any easier to take.

He wasn't a perfect husband by any means but he was a good man. I fully accept the man I loved for 18 years has gone to be replaced by someone who I no longer recognise or would give the time of day to. I would never want him back. I am putting on my grown up pants and looking to the future and I know the kids and I will be fine. I am stronger each week and mostly think positive. Watching the effect this has had on my children makes me angry and I will do anything to protect them and get us all through this divorce, house move and the fact he hasn't bothered to see them at all.

So why then does it still hurt so very much ? I still cry myself to sleep a couple of times a week. I miss who he was, what we were together, and our family unit like a physical pain. I know time will help this to fade and I need to look forward not back. I hate being this pathetic and friends and family think I am fine. I am better than I was, and not as good as I will be and I appreciate it's a rocky road.

Does it stop ? The pain of the betrayal and the love that gets thrown back in your face ? I want so much to stop having my breath taken away by some thought or memory. I refuse to let my life be defined by this but there are days when I still feel broken in two.

So frustrated with myself for not being able to 'pull myself together'.

Wow, you've written exactly my thoughts and feelings a while back but I could never put it into words like you have.
9 months is still fairly recent so please don't beat yourself up, instead be proud to be a good person who can't just dismiss the feelings you have for your husband. I understand now that I'm in a better place, it wasn't him I missed and thought I wanted so desperately, it was the safety of the life I was used to, and everything familiar to me.
I've been called names, blamed for everything and treated like I never meant anything to him but I know he does that to convince himself I was so horrible he did the right thing.
When he pops in your head picture something you don't like (a plate of liver and onions...yuk!) you'll then associate him with that instead of the romantic happy family unit, he has no place in that thought anymore.
Keep doing what you're doing, you don't know it yet but you are getting somewhere in the recovery process.
Take care xx

Hi Hatton

I haven't been on here for a while now but your post reminded me of how I used to be.

It's been about 3 1/2 years since my separation and I'm still newly divorced. You've mentioned it's been 9 months since your ex left, well in my book that's still really early days and you need to let yourself have time to grieve for what was and what now is. It's ok to cry as it's part of your healing process. Think back to your earliest days and I bet you cried every moment of every day. I know I did and it's normal. My GP told me to try not to control my emotions and let them be what they are for that moment in time you are experiencing them. Please believe me you will get to the point when you wake up one day and realise the negative effect it's having on you and then there will be no more tears, but for now just go with the flow.

Keep up with the no contact rule, especially if that's best for you. I can't remember the last time I saw my ex, in fact I don't care to remember because that's how much you move on when all is done and dusted.

You are doing really well at this point, managing life in General and of course your children. Those of us that are left to pick up the pieces whilst our ex's swan off into their happy ever after life are usually blamed by ours ex's for their shortcomings. When in fact it's often nothing to do with us, but they need a justifiable reason why they left in the first place. My own idiot is still angry with the settlement he got or so I am told. I remember him saying how unfair it was that I got x and he got y I count myself lucky that I didn't have to sell the family home, kept my pensions in tact and still have the love of my boys. Whereas he can't even afford to buy a house and has to keep renting with what he got.

I often used to beat myself up on my journey to work as I had time to think. To combat this I arranged lots of things to do and would think about the fun I would be having doing them.

I also found it useful to keep a list of how my idiot made me feel when we were together and it wasn't pleasant. It was a reminder of how I didn't want to be and how I would become a better person.

The pain of betrayal has stopped for me. You never forgot it but you learn to live with it and grow as a new person. I found self help with the healing process on line, as I was curious as to how a betrayer sees things and how they live with what they've done. It helped me to understand their side of things and of course I examined my own shortcomings because there were many, and I will hopefully learn from these.

I wish you luck and a great future, because that's where you are heading.

Take care x

Thank you so much for your replies.

Lipstickandlollipops - I hate liver and onions !! That may work well.
I have seen some of your threads and know you have been through a horrendous experience yourself. In comparison I am lucky and I really appreciate you taking the time to support me.

I just get cross with myself for not being where I want to be yet. 9 months doesn't feel like early days - it feels like time I stopped feeling sorry for myself !

HeadKnowsHeartDoesnt - what a fabulous name. I guess that completely sums it up for me, I need my heart to catch up with my head ! I am glad it is not just me who beats herself up. Maybe I took too much for granted. I am not perfect either. But I still don't believe anyone deserves this.

But it is what it is and forward is the only direction worth going in. It's comforting to know that one day it may not hurt. So thank you again and I wish you all the best for your future too.

We can all beat ourselves up especially when someone slags you off to friends and critisises you to justify their actions.

Yes its difficult coming to terms and as a rough rule of thumb it takes one month for every year of marriage to get over a breakup. We are all different of course.

Im afraid its a case of working on yourself and being happy with your situation and in your own skin. The trouble is that this takes time and you can't rush it. You just have to convince yourself that life has changed and you have to adapt accordingly which is easier said than done.

One day you WILL look back and realise that you did pull out of it and built a different life and scratch your head at why you wasted so much time 'mourning' your loss !!!

Thanks polar for your reply. I am trying to remember who I am as an individual and getting somewhere but until today slower than I would like.

I received some unexpected and unwelcome help today from Stbx.

My 14 year old daughter came home crying and didn't want to tell me what was wrong. I eventually got it out of here that she had been on Facebook and he has plastered pictures of him and his 'thing' all over his page of them currently on holiday in Mexico for 2 weeks and of how he had never been happier in his life.

I don't use any social media but had asked him to think about what he posted as both the kids are likely to see it. Obviously I looked which was a mistake but I am a glutton for punishment! My daughter said so he really looks like he's missing us then. He has given up his job and gives us virtually nothing a month, refused to help out £50 with a school trip but can afford to go abroad for 2 weeks.

I read stories of ex's doing this kind of thing and honestly thought mine never would. You live and learn.

Last week he nearly had me feeling sorry for him, as he told me how hard it was not seeing the kids - 9 months now since he saw our daughter and 6 months for our 17 year old son. All he has done is send a couple of texts and they aren't interested until he makes a bit more effort. I even asked them if f they would send him a Father's Day card for me as it might stop him having a go at me all the time, but they both said no not this year. I was feeling so guilty that maybe the fact I had been so upset had affected the kids, it's what he kept telling me.

I feel so angry at him for continuing to hurt the kids with his total thoughtlessness. Anger is good right ? Because I can feel a tidal wave coming.......

Gosh they are so heartless! Mine posted on FB with a picture of his 'thing'
"The missing piece of my jigsaw"
A year later he was living with someone else and is currently on dating sites meeting other women whilst still living with her, nice chap eh!

You and your children have something he'll never have, the love of a family unit.
You're doing amazing, every day is a day closer in this nightmarish experience.
Much love to you xx