well you were right

Hi tony213

It was lovely meeting you on chat last night. You will get support both on the forum and on chat....take care and look forward to seeing you on chat.

Take care and hugs to you xx

donkler wrote:

Reminder for you.

Ignore her lame words and kisses on a text message.

DO NOT Respond to her.

Its all about her actions mate, she will tell you what she wants through her actions, not a silly text message.

Donkler is right. Actions are everything. Actions betray us. Words are just sounds made. A text message is just an electronic way of saying words. Look past the words into her actions. There you will see true intent.

We all fall into traps. And one of those traps is to think that somehow we are different that this situation is different. Its a false hope. C.

Hi Tony,

Just wanted to add my thoughts about the nice texts, the kisses and mixed messages. Bear in mind she only has herself in mind at this stage and will do whatever is necessary to keep all her options open.

I have been exactly where you are now - my heart would lift from a tiny little crumb of something from my ex (a kiss on a text, a compliment, an emotive email) - it was hope. Hope that we could rewind the clock, that he was "in love" with me again & not her, that he''d come to his senses, hope that he now knew what he wanted.

I so wanted to believe and I was a fool because I fell for all of this carrot dangling for over 2 years whilst he kept all his options open & gave the new relationship time to fail (he told me as much during a frank discussion some time later)

Don''t fall for it Tony - I know how it is, we all do - but I haven''t heard of one example on here where these people have come good in the end. She wants time to set up her new life whilst having you faithfully waiting in the wings. If it doesn''t work out, she has taken no risks and lost nothing. Trust me, the waiting and hoping will erode your self confidence and drive you slowly, painfully mad.

At some point, you''ll have to say stop. You might not be ready to do this yet, but it''ll come in time.

100% agree on the no contact thing. She wanted her space & now you do too. my bet is she won''t like it once she realises her options are being taken away (mine didn''t). You on the other hand will feel empowered, more in charge of your own destiny and you''ll be able to put yourself first.

Sending hugs,

Dazed x

I am in a similar position to Tony and would also like to thank everyone of the contributors for their sound advice.

Tony, I have little more to add other than I think emotionally I am a bit further down the road and have ''let her go''. Yes, it is difficult to see her in situations that are unavoidable but I now longer look at her in ''that'' way if that makes sense. Yes, we need to communicate cos of the kids but it''s on my terms. She texts I reply, keeping to the facts.

Ask yourself the following:

1. What does the head say you should do..??
2. What does the heart say..??
3. What does the gut say..??
4. What does the groin say..??

I have been using that as my strategy to get my head in a better place and it seems to work.

I''ve had it all too but thankfully not the full on I''m to blame bit. She''s remorseful, she''s apologised to me face to face, she''s not swanning around, has tears of sorrow, tears for me mostly, I''m such a great Dad, she''s seen me in a new light, the grass aint always greener blah blah. But as has been said it''s just words. If she wanted me back she''d fight for me like I did for the last 3 years and that''s why I have to let her go.

People in these situations are like monkey''s. They won''t let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on aother. We are the ''safety net'' branch Tony and it''s up to us to remove their handhold on it.

Good luck mate. It''s bloody hard I can empathise but hang in there.

Just to finish remember ''none of this is your fault''. She''s a big girl and didn''t have to do what she did, but she did and that''s unacceptable..

Hey Tony,

How are things going?

EA

Hi Tony

Just wanted to throw my support in here with the others. Marshy''s comment about projection is right on the nose on this one, I''m afraid. Projection is extremely powerful because it is done very subtly - often over a period of years. To be fair to your ex, it isn''t always done consciously. It doesn''t really matter though because the result is the same and it''s very unhealthy in a relationship.

The other thing I wanted to say was that I liked your thinking in your comment about the company going bankrupt and you still at your machine. That shows a good deal of big picture vision. Now, if you are capable of seeing the big picture, and you are, why would you continue to work at that machine? Your ex has brought you to this place. You know what the place is - you''ve acknowledged it. She no longer has the power of projection over you because (to use yet another analogy) you have seen the ''Emperor''s New Clothes''! Once we know something, we can''t pretend not to know it. Not really. What you do next in this awful scenario is for you and you alone to decide, Tony. It''s called ''taking back the power''. If you like, you can keep giving her the power. Many do. But, for the sake of your own sanity, do it with full awareness of what you are doing. Preferably, you will choose to get off this merry-go-round since it''s making you sick. Be on your own with this for a while, be with us with this for a while - but stop seeing her. I am totally with Donkler - no contact. It won''t help either of you.

Shezi

Hi everyone again,so sorry that I haven''t been around for a while but I have been looking in .
Now do I confess straight away ,? I might as well cause all of you will see through it anyway ,
Actually you have probably guessed , yep I fell for it again.I took her back with all the promises that came with it ,except that over time nothing had changed .what I didn''t reckon on was how crippling and stomach churning not trusting the person you live with Can be.So here I am again I finally made the decision to walk away , I thought it would be easier but it if anything is harder. Only this time I have know doubt my decision is the right one .why oh why did I not do what you all advised months age instead of thinking my situation would be different .
She still had the ability to disappear and blame it on my lack of trust, need to go for a walk with him while I was away to finish things properly( oh please!)
And yep just cause I was a sad needy bloke I apologised for not trusting her .Well here I am amongst friends at step number one but I ain''t
Going back .