Agreement for cheating spouse?

It has been 2 months since my husband confessed that he''d cheated on me for 2 years but I have not seen any lawyer or counselor.

My husband is an expat and we are currently living abroad, he arrived abroad a year before me because I was waiting for my son to finish his education in the UK before joining him abroad. While he was abroad, we met every 6 weeks, either I went to visit him or he went home. We have been married for almost 20 years. He admitted he initiated his relationship with that woman just a month before I joined him abroad. He said he wanted sex with that woman and he doesn’t love me anymore. That woman wanted him to leave me and fight against me for child custody in the court. I’ve never cheated on my husband although I had a few offers after marriage.

My husband wants reconciliation, I want to forgive him and bring up my son with him but I don’t think I can, I’ve been crying every day in the past 2 months. I don’t think I can trust him anymore. I want him to sign a post nuptial agreement, he said he’ll leave with nothing if he cheated on me again. Does a post nuptial agreement really work? He doesn’t agree to leave with nothing if he leaves for other reason one day. If he leaves for another woman one day but won’t confess or makes up other excuses instead, what should I do? What kind of agreement should he sign? We have a house on both names but we still have a mortgage on it. Any advice will be appreciated.

Welcome to Wikivorce.

I think you are proposing that your husband should not be entitled to claim any of the marital assets should he confess to cheating on you again? Under English/Welsh law, the "reason" for divorce has no bearing on the division of finances so your proposal is not only unfair, it won''t hold up in a court of law. You would be effectively holding your husband to ransom.

Post-nup agreements aren''t legally binding, so all you would have is an agreement written down that either of you could breach at any time without legal recourse, other than through the Ancillary Relief procedure here. In any case, as you both live abroad, you are bound by the laws of the country in which you live.

I think, rather than focusing on getting him to sign this proposed document, it might be better to focus on yourself, and if you really want to make the marriage work, and perhaps talking through the issues in the marriage with a relationship counsellor.

I am sorry to hear your story, and can see you have been deeply hurt and you have every right to feel that way.

The answer to your query is that a '' post nuptial agreement '' as you call it, is unlikely to be enforceable in England and Wales.

To be sure, it is possible to have such an agreement drawn up, but the Courts have held that, in order to be enforceable, such an agreement has to comply with certain conditions ; among these being that both of you have to have access to independent legal advice and have to make full disclosure of your financial situation. Conduct is very rarely taken into account when considering division of finances.

I see you live abroad and it is possible that different rules may apply in the country where you live. But my advice to you is that a post nuptial agreement is unlikely to be enforceable in this country.

I do hope things work out all right for you, you do not deserve this.

LMM

What I read from your post is that you both want the marriage to work, are deeply hurt about what has happened and you want to create a significant punishment or consequence for your husband should he cheat again.

As RT and LMM have stated, this can not happen legally.

I suspect this is less about ''finances'' and more about him facing punishment or consequence. I also suspect this is down to the eroded trust.

I agree with RT, put your energy into figuring out what is best for you. Of course your natural immediate reaction is that you could not forgive him or trust again, but don''t dismiss it as an option until you have had some 3rd party marriage councelling, there are couples who make it work after affairs, it may not be easy (for either of you) and it may be hard work. But if there is a glimmer of hope there, take it.

IMO - it''s better to have tried and see what happens rather than not and never know.

12312free,

Hello and welcome to Wiki. Your tale is very similar to thousands of other''s who have walked this path..

Legal agreements aside, and I know that RT and LMM are the experts in this, so heeding their advice will help you make the right decisions.

Your feelings and emotions have to play a huge part in how you move forward, with or without your husband. When one party cheats, it is the other party that suffers the most, the disrespect, the lack of trust, the loss of faith and the list goes on.

You need to think long and hard about where you see your future with your husband. If you choose to forgive and forget, then that is wonderful, but you can not cast up any previous affairs during the next stage in your relationship. Forgiving and forgetting means just that. You have to ask yourself if you can work through this, or not? Only you can decide. Once the trust is gone, for the majority of us there is no going back, but if you both work hard at your marriage and set new boundaries and work together, then maybe this will work for you...you have to be sure. Why all of a sudden would you want a post nuptial agreement in place if you both fully trust each other?

If you have doubts in your heart and will not totally find the forgiveness for his adultery, you have to be the one to decide can you move on from this? This is about you now, not him, you have to be the one who does what is best for you.

Trust is a huge thing to re-build, it will take hard work and sheer determination and you still run the risk that the leopard will never changes its spots.

Take your time and do not be rushed into making a rash decisions. As we say North of the Border...what''s for you, won''t go passed you!

Take care for now FoS x