Full of insecurities

I feel a bit like a stuck record as I keep posting on here how happy I am for a while and then.........I have another blip!

I genuinely do feel like I''m moving on in lots of ways, feeling positive, happy, enjoying life, and I do count my blessings every day, despite the awful aftermath of divorce.

But then I take the scary step into dating and it opens a can of worms.....suddenly I''m feeling insecure, I''m scared of getting close, I''m not sure if I just like the attention or really like the new guy. I''m scared if he really gets to know me he''ll reject me just like my husband....and Oh my God the body issues I have. I know I''m a normal healthy size, I''m fit and not overweight but when the vile other woman brags that she''s a size 6 with Double D''s and your husband''s parting words are that he has ''no physical desire'' for you, well it kind of sticks in your head and the word inadequate springs to mind.

Isn''t it weird that I hang on to all the negative things that the ex and the OW said and yet can''t take on board all the complements I receive.

Ultimately, there is a part of me that thinks there must be something wrong with me. That''s how my husband made me feel when he ended our marriage.

He retracted a lot of the things he said and admitted that he criticised me in order to justify his behaviour at the time. But still, i''m full of insecurities and wondering if it''s worth putting myself through all this again.

I''m sure my friends are sick of me going on. I''m so indecisive with the guys i''ve dated up to now - one day I like them, the next day I''m not so sure. Like I said I''m a stuck record and even I''m getting bored of listening to myself going round in circles.

Hey Patsy39

you and i are twins! same here... i feel happy.. i fee i have come out OK out of this divorce hell... most days i actually feel like life couldn''t get better...then out of the blue a ''blip'' as you call it stalks me... i litterally tell myself out loud ''don''t go there'' when the thoughts of my X and OW try to resurface

he too made comments about how he no longer desired me and i might as well be a man in his eyes for all the atraction he felt for me... he made comments about how fit her body was (i am no heffer! i am a size 10! but not toned... so)..anyway point is, when a man looks at me and tries to flirt, i literally avert my eyes.. i simply can''t help thinking ''yeah you think you like me now but when you get to know me you will be disappointed...''

i know it is a bad state of mind to be in... i think we just have a bit of a way to recovery to go yet... i promised myself that i will start dating again by the end of May (gives me a few months to just work on my self confidence )... a target of when i should actively look... this will be exactly 2.5 years after he left ...

we must must believe in ourselves .. easy for me to type.. now for the practice...

NL_SIC

Hi Patsy


Stuck records are good. Post away. This is what this place is for and why it works so well.

Glad you are feeling so positive. But take you out of that comfort zone and things start to get tricky. Esp when you have to interact with other people. And I am not sure if you are ready to enter a relationship. But only you can decide that.

As for anything being wrong with you? There is something wrong with all of us. None of us are perfect. We all have our odd ways and little problems. But thats what makes us unique. And a person is a combination of things good and bad. And that (in the end) is what attracts us to people. The little quirks and the odd little things. Not a sole attraction you understand. But part of the attraction profile. And lastly on this subject. Dont change what you are. Your body. Your you. You have made it this far as you. So why change? Be you. Cos you cant be anyone else right?

But the things that concern you (body shape and the rest of it) in my exp most women concern themselves. But the reasons for being dumped for someone else do not just involve body shape. Attraction is way more complicated than that. And no one I have ever met has been able to explain attraction. Even yours truly. I cant explain why I am drawn to some people and not others. If your ex made the right choice or not, only time will tell. And I can assure you, it most likely had nothing to do with size 6 and or big busts. Thats a fallacy that women have that men go for women with small frames and large breasts. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Of course there is initial physical attraction and its more to do with what that person is like rather then how they look and dress. So I wouldnt worry on that score. If you have had a relationship before, chances are, that you will have another one.

But in the meantime. I would disregard what your ex said to you. The words that were said were designed to victimise you. And your not a victim right? None of us are. So all that he said? Was cobblers. C.

I''ve been feeling really mixed up and emotional all day.

I''m afraid I probably just did the worst thing. I turned up at the ex''''s door.(Haven''t seen him or spoken to him for months) I did have a legit reason as I''d already txt to pass on concerns about our teenage son, but I just wanted an excuse to see him.

My heart was pounding and i felt physically sick and could barely talk. Gone was the happy, confident bright and breezy person...oh no he can still reduce me to a wreck.

We discussed our son. I got emotional and had to wipe my eyes. He continued to talk in a calm, rational way and didn''''t even acknowledge my tears.

There was a silence and I was dying to say ''Why did you do it? How long? How many? and I really wanted to ask him what was wrong with me (wtf!!). But I came to my senses and simply got up and walked away without so much of a goodbye.

I think i just needed to see him in the flesh. I actually want to make peace as I think forgiveness is definitely the way forward.

I looked at him and thought ''You fool. We had it all and you threw it away.''
So sad.

Thanks Marshy and SIC for your replies.

Yes I think we are definitely on the same wavelength sadinchesire!

I''ve had the same thoughts as you, that once a guy gets to know me better they will be disappointed. It''s ridiculous and I know it deep down but it''s the negativity resulting from the rejection I guess.

Good luck with the dating. I think it''s great that you have set a deadline to get back out there, and I hope you just try and enjoy it and go with the flow!

Marshy thanks for reassuring me that not all men are just interested in bust size!! It''s a major hang up of mine...but I do know in the grand scheme of things it shouldn''t concern me too much, but we all have our insecurities.

The guy I''m dating says lovely, genuine things to me and I can see in his eyes how he feels about me. It''s nice but it''s also a bit scary. I need to talk to him and tell him how i feel. I''ve already txt to say that I''m feeling a bit mixed up and still finding it hard to move on so hopefully he''ll understand and be patient with me.....and if not then I''ll go back to being a happy singleton again!

Hi Patsy 39
Your post about seeing your ex recently was hard to read. It reminded me of the last time I saw my stbx. I had all the same questions, all the same gut wrenching feelings. Looking into the eyes of someone I had known for more than half my life, who stood before me like a stranger.
My daughter asked me yesterday if I was going to look for someone else in my life. I replied '' I don''t think I could ever trust again, don''t want to ever be that hurt or vulnerable again.'' She was disappointed, I think she is desperate for me to be happy, (what ever that means) again.
Later on at home I thought about what I had said,
Am I behaving like a victim ? Am I letting his selfish actions make me feel less than worthy, un attractive, undesirable.
I don''t know really.
What I do know is, realistically, I am not unattractive. I imagine, like most of us ladies on here I scrub up rather well. The damage is psychological,
which is actually harder to deal with.
Not really sure where I''m going with this, just wanted to say I think I understand how you feel and it is tough. But at least you are giving it a go. Dipping your toe back in the water, despite your fears and anxieties, well done you.

I think it was a bad idea to see the ex Patsy. You got nothing from it. And I suspect like most of us that do this, we suffer for a bit because of it. So in the next few days, expect to feel a bit down. But I liked the bit where you got up and walked away and I also liked the way you didnt ask the elephant in the room question "how many times how many lies, how long you been deceiving. How long you been creeping around". Thats a line from a song I am sure. But I think you get the drift. And getting up and not saying goodby and not asking the question shows that inside, there is a glimmer of the person that you will become.

I know you want answers Patsy. The only answer that makes any sense to your questions is this: You gave your heart, body and soul to a fool. A fool to walk away from perhaps the best thing to ever happen to him. He had it all on a plate and he walked. Thats your real answer. How many and what and all the rest of it means nothing. As he is a fool. So thats your answer. And what he did means nothing now. Thats in the past. What happened is yesterday. Today and every day after is a new day and what happened has no part in your future. Whats done is done.

As for attraction, there is nothing like a survivor. I love listening to people that have overcome their difficulties. And thats going to be the real you after all this is over. Someone that is tough and beat everything that life can throw at you. A person is much more than a big pair of t!ts and smokey eyes. Its whats behind those eyes thats important. But right now sister, you are damaged and you need time to heal. But you will get there. One day you will walk out into the sunshine. Like we all will. C.