Ending relationships

I cannot advise you on what to do, but I can offer you the example of what happened to me.

I was struck by what was written above ''you know him best''. That is what I thought, but it turned out to be wrong. My husband walked out on me and the children after over 20 years. I was devastated but convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that we could work it out - we were made for each other. I had driven him away with my behaviour over the years, had turned into a shrew etc. It was all my fault.

After a few months he said he was not coming back.

There was no one else.

I came on here and everyone said; get rid of him, he is lying, there is someone else, you don''t know what he has been up to etc.

And I said to myself ''they don''t know him, why would they say these things?''

Gradually I have been discovering that they knew him better than I. I was blinded by years of listening to his crap. He had been lying to me for years and years. Not about OW (that came later) but about money, which he has secretly been stealing for so long, and that he now has nothing but debts. He has become completely deranged. He lies every time he opens his mouth and even believes the lies himself (as does his lawyer it seems). He has borrowed left right and centre and still lives in lala land.

Part of me thinks ''this is not the man I married'' and other parts of me look back and wonder. But at the stage you are at, I was completely in the dark. And had I succeeded in getting him back at that time (which I realise now I never could have because he had so much to hide) it would have been a complete disaster. I would have remained deluded and manipulated by him and he would have dragged me down.

The situation I am in now is overwhelmingly awful for me and I feel unable to deal with it. I YEARN to have him help me out of it. Then I remember he put me in it and, tough as it is, for me and the children, we really are better off without him. It pains me to say this, but given what he is really like, it is true.

When he first left I was absolutely paralysed with fear. I could not manage on my own. I had completely abdicated all business and finance and IT and DIY and indeed all decision making to him and I genuinely thought I could not live without him. I felt a fool and completely dependent on him. I still feel afraid (having to make important decisions alone and in opposition to him, selling up etc as well as all childcare). But I am not dead yet, and I am learning. I daresay I am making mistakes but so what? Plenty of people do.

My life has already changed beyond recognition and will change more. I will lose a lot of friends, and my home, and my future plans have gone up in smoke, and my past too, as it was all al lie. But I am getting stronger and it will be a more honest life. It may be too soon for you to feel all this, it all fell on deaf ears for me at first because I thought I was not good enough. I never thought I could cope. But I am getting there and you will too.


Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hmmm.... really sorry for you your in such a state of limbo.

Ask yourself this - would you do the same as him? Probably not.... why, because you still love him. So why is he able to do this to you and your boys.... because he doesn''t love you.

How many times do we hear ... oh I cannot think straight, my heads messed up. They feel guilty and that guilt needs a crutch and he has found someone that he can go too.

I think the ultimatum - is certainly one way of trying to bring it to a head. But don''t falter.

I really do wish you all the best... get your boys to take you out tonight!! Go see a movie that will make you laugh. keep posting xx

Thank you to all xx

Emma, I found a receipt for flowers that my ex husband sent to a woman. He said, she was just a friend and I believed him. My ex husband gave me an STI. He smashed every glass door in our house saying he had not had sex with anyone else. I believed him as he was so angry that I would mistrust him and so blamed my infection on getting it from a toilet seat! My husband admitted to a one night stand eventually, but he said that was because I was pregnant and "lots of men do it when their wife is pregnant" and I believed him! My ex husband once fell down some steps into a woman who was locking a shop for the night and their lips collided and one thing led to another!
Needless to say we are now divorced.
I am saying all this because like you I was married a long time, thought I new my husband better than anyone else.
I didn''t, but as I said I finally got the guts to divorce him.
It was hard, damn hard, I couldn''t do anything myself. Well I thought I couldn''t. I have just decorated the whole of my downstairs and am in the middle of regrouting the tiles in the kitchen.
I have realised I AM A WOMAN, I can do anything!

Emma I haven''t been on here for a while but your story struck a chord. Like Eliza when I found this site I was convinced I was not going to be getting divorced we were strong we were the golden couple we would work it out. I now have my Nisi and just in the final stages of sorting finances.
In the spare room .... Please I know you don''t want to hear it but its lies all lies. It''s not you it''s them in their mess but at the moment you feel it''s you like I felt it was all my fault I wasn''t good enough loving enough
Stay strong and I truly am sending you hugs and strength
BL xxx

Emma,

I hold the same opinion as the other Wiki''s,its hard but at some point you have to face the facts.
They are so good with the excuses and BS and actually I think they brainwash themseleves as well.

If your married or in a committed relationship there are things you just don''t do.

What ever your decision, take care of yourself and your boys.

xxx

Emma lynn wrote:

I can''t keep going through these emotions. I''ve not text or called him and leaving him till end of April.

Hi Emma. I cant (like the others) tell you what to do. For it to be real, you have to decide. But it has to be based on what you believe to be true.

Now I am going to be a bit hard on you and I am going to say some stuff that is not that nice. But I hope that my comments and together with all the lovely wickies, this may help you.

I understand the confusion. I had the same. When she was seeing this family friend it ripped me apart. Just like its doing to you. I had to decide just like you have to do. Between my future and a life like you have. And I am being honest here, I couldnt and wouldnt have coped with it.

If you think this is what you deserve then carry on being a yo yo. Pulled backwards and forwards by this person that cant decide if he wants you or not. So... If he came back after the end of april could you have him back? What if he found some other old friend to cheat on you with? How would you be? What would you be like? There are plenty of other wickies in here that has happened to. They have lived a life of wondering where he is or she is. And its not nice. It would be a constant level of worry.

I am going to make some sweeping generalisations. I would say that your a good wife. You loved him and looked after him like a good wife should. Cooked and cleaned for him and looked after the family home and the kids. And I suspect that you sacrificed your life for your husband for them all. And now... He has gone off with someone else and he is not sure if he wants this perfect person that he had. What he is is a fool. He had it all and he put it at risk.

I know this pain. We all know this pain. There is no pain in the world that will crush you like a 20 ton rock. In fact a 20 ton rock is favourable to this.

There are choices of course. And I fully understand the position that your in. You have a home and you will be worried how will you manage without him. I get that. But what about your health? How long can you carry on with this worry? 2 years? 5 years? That he will do it again? Thing is with cheaters is that the offence that they get caught is maybe not the first offence. Or if it is, once they have crossed the line and got away with it, they can do it again. And again. And you live this yo yo existence. How will you think of him if he came back? Would you see him with her? Question him about her? Feel inferior? Think that its all your fault? Worry that he has not broke it off. That he is still seeing her.

But I dont underestimate the difficulty of the choices you have to make. But what of you? Long term? How will this affect you and your relationship with him? Can you be that great wife again or are you entering into a life of worry? I dont envy you and I wish I could do something and make it go away. But I cant and nor can all the other wickies. This has to come from you. But what ever you decide. We are here. As we have done everything you will do and have done.

I am sorry for the things I have said to you. There were those that didnt say the hard things I needed to hear when I was in what I call the troubles. And there were those that did take the time to tell me some tough things. Now I thank them for it. But at the time.. I hated them. C.