Telling my STBX about a new relationship

I finally decided to end my 11 year marriage in August 2023. One of the main reasons was due to the fact that the marriage was never consummated due to my wife's wilful refusal to do so having told me, when our relationship began aged 18 and 19, that she didn't believe in sex before marriage (essentially a lie).

The divorce is now in it's final stages - in theory I could have applied for the Decree Absolute yesterday - but, due to my wife's inactions, I am still waiting for her to approve the draft financial order and the wait goes on. We have a house together with around 23 years left on the mortgage but a good amount of equity. We have agreed to split the proceeds of sale 50/50 and keep everything else (savings and pension etc) to ourselves.

I have been in a generally good relationship with someone I have known for a number of years since around a month after I moved out of the family home. My question, for now, is when should I tell my STBX about this new relationship? We will still need to maintain some kind of communication as we are trying (and struggling) to sell the house. I don't want her to find out through someone else but am desperately struggling to keep my new partner a secret and just want us to live a normal, non-secretive relationship. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

That's a tough one. It sounds like you still have some care for your ex - you don't want to hurt her more than you can avoid - which I think is good though very hard to do?
Many would probably say "who cares just get on with your life" and to an extent this is reasonable, I can totally empathise with not wanting to feel like you have to 'hide' a relationship, but equally you want to be sensitive.
If you live anywhere like me, you still have shared friends or are bumping into people who maybe don't even know you've split up(?) and that's all awkward for your new partner too.

Telling your ex might equally be just as hurtful though, do you need to tell her? The fact it started so soon after you split, with someone you've known for quite a while during your marriage, is likely going to make her wonder "did it really start afterwards or was it already going on" and you probably really don't want that additional aggravation if things are already a struggle.

Is the new partner one you see being a long-term thing.. if so what does he/she think about it all?

Sorry this is more rambling than any advice. I'm not in a dissimilar position and I've already taken someone somewhere and bumped into my ex's close friends who had no idea I was dating and would probably disapprove. My town is small and I always see people I know, but wider acquaintances don't even know we've split because we don't see the need to broadcast it to the world.

Thank you so much for your reply, it’s nice to hear from someone in a similar situation and you have read mine pretty well.

Firstly, I should say that I have since told my ‘almost ex-wife’ about my new relationship. She didn’t take it as badly as I thought although is still very upset. She did thank me for telling her although said that she ‘couldn’t support’ it. I’m glad I have told her, even though I wanted to wait until after the final order was granted, and am glad that she didn’t find out through someone else. I still don’t know how long it will be until we can be completely separated but hopefully I can move on with my new partner a little easier now.

One thing that she did ask was that I remove all of my property from the house (just things like DVDs, pictures and possibly a few small items of furniture) and give her my keys. I’m not willing to hand over my key until we have sold the property, whenever that may be. Any more advice/general chat would still be appreciated.

Well it's good to hear that went relatively well - you cannot help her being upset and it's only to be expected.

Removing all your things and properly moving out does make sense for both of you, she doubtless doesn't want to keep being reminded of you and all the memories in the house?

Since you say you co-own the house, then she can't require you to give her keys or forbid you accessing the property and she shouldn't do anything like changing the locks, but on the other hand do you need to access it?
I'm sure you can see her viewpoint of not liking the idea you could just turn up, but perhaps you can make it clear to her you have no intention of doing that - that you will only visit to collect things at a time you agree together.
You could of course make a copy of the key and return the others, but it seems like explaining you do not wish to give up access/rights to the property for legal reasons only might be accepted depending how things go.

Thanks again for your reply. I have no intention of giving her my key and she hasn’t actually mentioned me removing the rest of my belongings again. If I do that I don’t know if it will encourage her to realise that I really am not coming back or just make it feel like it’s just her place now and therefore give her even less incentive to conclude the divorce and communicate re the sale of the property. I truly cannot see an end to this and, even if there is one, what sort of financial, mental and physical state I will be left in. I feel like it is gradually destroying my future (with my new partner) before it’s been able to properly begin.

I’m not in a dissimilar position, living wise, and personally I find that most of my stuff is in our shared home only adds to the feeling of limbo.. like I’m pausing my life.

Don’t you want to get your things and make your new place your home?

I don’t think I can offer anything else but sympathy. My new GF hates that I’m separated rather than divorced and I can see it needing a problem if things get serious

I agree with your ‘limbo’ comment and have the same feeling. The place that I am in currently is only for a six month contract (ending at the end of December) as my new partner and I thought we might be in a position to buy our own place by then. Sadly, this will almost certainly not be the case and we are talking about moving in with her parents until we can get somewhere of our own. The last few months have taken an extreme toll on both of us as well as our relationship. I feel that if I was able to do everything on my own it would have been done long ago but everyone seems to be pulling in different directions or not at all.