fair arrangement

what's a fair arrangement for the father to see the children?
there are 3 of them aged between 12 - 8

things that worry me are
1. he has little parental skill
2. he has no respect for their needs yet spoils and indulges them
3. he does not believe in bedtime and the like, so term time is difficult
4. he has health issues
5. some of them do not always want to spend time with him

Things that comfort me
1. he loves them very much
2. he likes to spend time with them
3. he will do things for them
4. in the right mood, he will listen to what i have to say about them and take it on board
5. he will tell me if one of them says or does something that concerns him

Hi Rani
Its always extremly worrying to give the children "away" into the care of someone you dont trust anylonger.

However..
The reasons which worry.. they are not new or are they?
You describe a very relaxed indulgend father who dont believe in rules....He would drive me nuts as well...
However, that does not make him a bad dad.. he is just different to you. His approach to child care is different, not the approach towards them or parental love.

At that age the 14 nightly rule is the norm.. he has them every other weekend. Plus its good if they can see him once during the week for a few hours ( eg Wednesday).

However, that is a rule of thumb if no agreement takes place.
Other parents share..like..one week here, one week there..
or.. he picks up from school, cooks them tea and disapears adter women gets home.
Or every weekend.
What does he want? What do you have in mind?

Thanks Stillalive
I never suggested he was a bad father.
I don't think he sees his role or his way as a parenting style.
his approach to parenting is that he's happy to let me take the whole responsiblity and he sees them when he sees them. he has no idea what it takes. when they're with thm there's no responsibity. he takes them to the park, takes them out for a meal and buys them things. no homework, no bedtime no responsibity

i've been happy with that - until the separation. now when he's with them, i am not there, and that has highlighted all the worries i stated.

none of that is grounds for limiting his time with them. he has a right to be with them and they have a right to be with him.
i don't know what he wants. i imagine he wants to see them when and if he's free. he certainly said that often enough in the past.

all i wanted from this post is to find out generally what people do. so i can formulate a fair and rational proposal.
thanks for your thoughts

How far away does he live and allow his working hours some kind of pattern (as opposed to lorry driver)?

The thing is, there is no 'usual' arrangement. But if he is going to see them for fun only and no responsibility, then you have to make it manageable around homework, etc.

How about alternate weekends Saturday morning to Sunday evening plus one evening a week? That way it's only one late bedtime a fortnight and your twelve year old can fit in homework around it with you. Don't expect him to take any responsibility (then you won't be disappointed when he doesn't) but let the children have a good time with him. It might be hard having them associate him only with good times while he leaves you to deal with all the responsible stuff, but you can probably get used to that and you will have more of the day to day pleasures.

Best wishes,
Sadie

My wife has stopped me having any contact whatsoever with my 14 year old and my 8 year old since 5th May. She did this to spite me and threatened to call the police if I attempted to get in touch with them. (I should point out that I am not a criminal & would never deliberately hurt my children - or my wife for that matter).
Her refusal to let me see the kids has been just one of many ways she has hurt me.
I made an application to Court who then ordered that Cafcass compile a report.
I was in Court on Tuesday, the Report had been compiled and the following was ordered for me to see them.

Every other weekend Sat & Sun 9am to 5pm
Every Monday in the school holidays that follows my weekend with the kids 12pm to 5pm
Every Monday in the school holidays that does not follow my weekend with the kids 9am to 5pm
Every Monday during term time 3-15pm to 6-30pm
Every Thursday in the school holidays 12pm to 5pm
Every Thursday during term time 3-15pm to 6-30pm

Initially I am not permitted any overnight stays but this will be reviewed in three months.

My first day with the kids is planned to be Monday 11th August and I am soooo looking forward to it.

Mog

Good for you Mog.

How did your wife re-act to the order?