Teenagers,

Just hoping someone can tell me if I am going bonkers or not. I am fuming but no longer sure f I should be or not.
I have two brilliant teenagers DS 17 DD 14 and I want whatever is best for them. I am not sure what that is anymore !!

I'll try and keep it short but will probably fail. Stbx left FMH in September 16 after I discovered his affair. The day I found out he was staying with her overnight. I asked him to to come home and discuss it, he refused. I hadn't even thought about what I was going to say to the kids, but obviously I was distraught and I couldn't hide the truth from them. According to ex this has put him 'on the back foot' right from the start and I keep getting this thrown at me. I honestly don't know what difference it would have made if we had told them together but I accept responsibility if I made a mistake.

Anyway he left to live with OW 100 miles and a 2 and half hour drive away. Two weeks later he turned up at 8.00 in the morning wanting to see the kids so I went out for 3 hours to give him some time alone with them. I come back and he is sorting through CD's as they didn't really want to speak to him. I asked him to stay for lunch but my daughter became very distressed and said we were pretending everything was normal when it never would be again. So I asked him to see them away from the house in future, even offered to drop them half way.

Well since then he has seen our son twice and had no contact with our daughter. He has texted her a few times but because she hasn't replied he says she is rude and she needs to apologise. I obviously think he is insane but there you go. Son says he can't be bothered to have the hassle of seeing him, so hasn't seen him December.

I am now being accused of poisoning them, cutting him out of their lives, not giving him any information. The latest is my massive over reaction to his affair, and ending our marriage is what has damaged the kids I think I was actually so paranoid about trying to be fair I maybe went to far the other way because I want them to still have a relationship. I did all the usual he's left me not you, he's still your dad, he still loves you etc but yes I was devasted and probably couldn't hide this from them. They are very protective of me and I've reassured them they are not being disloyal to me if they contact him.

I sent him emails making suggestions of how he could mend things, I get no reply.

I asked him if he wanted to come parents evenings, but he was too busy at work.

I said he could see them Christmas Day but that wasn't convenient as it would have spoiled his plans. He didn't even buy them a present.

I tried to set up a meeting at my daughter's school between him and her but she refused. My daughter now says she hates him and won't let me even mention seeing him. She took herself of for counselling.

Son occasionally texts him but only if I remind him and then reluctantly.

So I have given up for now. I don't know what else to do. I know they must miss him, he wasn't a brilliant dad but he was ok. I don't understand how he can abandon them like this.

Today was the final straw. We were all out doing some gardening today, my folks were there too. We were having a laugh and enjoying the weather. Next thing I know I get a text from him saying I have taken the campervan as me and OW are going away next week. This was on our drive. So he has driven 100 miles to pick this up but didn't even bother trying to see the kids. I get it would have been difficult as they wouldn't have really wanted to see him. But shouldn't he have tried ? The kids just called him a t*sser but I am so angry. Am I going mad ?

Sorry for the ridiculously long rant. I just give up and it helps to get it out.

I recognised a lot of what you say here - at one point my STBX flew back into the country to collect his certificates as he was applying for jobs, came into the house to get them, but did not bother waiting to speak to the kids - we did not even know he had been into the house for a couple of months.

At the age your kids are it would be very difficult to make them see him - again, I know this from experience. Not only that, it is not your job to manage the relationship between your kids and their father and it is up to him to make the effort to maintain a relationship.

I hope that my kids will reconnect with STBX when they are older, but in spite of my encouragement, he has had nothing to do with the kids. This is his choice and maybe theirs too.

Thanks for your reply Jedzy,

Gosh I thought coming 100 miles and not seeing the kids was poor, but yours flying in and out of the country takes the prize !!

I just want the best for the kids, they are great and I am very lucky. They have dealt with everything really well although the 14yr old is now a bit more cynical than she was. She was close to her dad and for her sake I don't want her to lose that forever. My son clashed heads with him a lot for the last few years so in some ways I think it is a relief for him to have a break. Maybe it will take a bit more time.

I am hoping when the sheen of his new 'relationship' wears off a bit he will remember our two great kids.

I am just totally fed up of being told it's all my fault ( as well as the affair etc ). I question myself all the time have I behaved well, have I done enough. I am sure I have got things wrong, I was heartbroken, but I can say hand on heart I have tried.

I have decided to completely back off for now. I think you are right it is his job to make the effort now, it's just more palatable for him to blame me rather than take any responsibility himself.

Ha ha, did we marry the same person??

Mine blames me also - but I spent a long time explaining his behaviour in a way that put him in a better light...he loves you, but he finds it difficult to express that love...

I spent the last few years of our marriage doing it also, so after a while I just gave up.

I try not to put him down, but I no longer try to explain away his poor behaviour.

Really dont worry. Your kids are at an age they can work things out themselves. Thank god my kids are adults so I dont have to worry to much. I have tried to keep communications open for everyone. Reminded the kids when it was "his " birthday. Asked if they had text him (he refuses to give anyone his address) they both forgot. He cant be bothered with them and they cant be bothered with him. I to have been blamed for everything. I think its just their way of coping with the guilt, or at least id like to think of it that way.
if your children love you and im sure they do, then that is all that matters. They will help you through as much as you will help them. You can only do what is best for you and the children. He will have to build his own bridges.
Best of luck, big hugs and stay strong for your amazing children. x

Hi
I think you are doing the right thing in encouraging contact. The thing I've found is teenagers see things in very black and white terms. To them the bottom line is that he is not there so he has abandoned them made worse by the fact he has hurt the most important person in their lives (sorry to all the fellow dads out there but in 99% of cases its mum). Keep trying to keep him involved, things like forwarding school reports etc. its not easy doing the right thing all the time but please continue to try. Sadly it appears he is more interested in his 'new life'. Kids are not stupid and they will work things out for themselves.

LB

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I sound so stupid saying this now, but we were a close family and I know they need both parents in their lives. But maybe I have been pushing things too much.

Lost boy, I am lucky insofar all school reports etc get put on line in a parent portal so he can keep updated himself if he wants to. Unfortunately all communication has broken down between us now as he was so very cruel the last time we spoke. Ironically this has really helped me start to move forward.

For about 5 months I really tried to keep him informed. I obviously have been in touch with both schools, and my son's work has really suffered. He is in the first year of A levels, so this is not ideal. But the ex saw this as me trying to make him feel guilty so just got angry with me. So I gave up, then I get accused of cutting him out of their lives because I wasn't telling him things. I feel I can't win.

I try really hard not to put him down, but neither of them want to even speak about him. There are so many reasons why they are angry, the lies, the seeming abandonment, he has cut us off financially and I have been ill and it's been tough. They were there when I begged him on the phone for £20 as I didn't have enough money for petrol to get to a hospital appointment- he refused. However much I try to hide my worry about this they see it. My daughter is scared of where we will end up living and wants to be settled somewhere. They also see he is on his 3rd holiday in 7 months, while we sometimes can't afford to buy food, though this is making my cooking more inventive ! And yes they have seen the state of me at times although I try to go upstairs if I think I am going to cry.

I am so far from perfect it's untrue but I really have tried. But do you know what makes it all worthwhile ? They are blooming brilliant. And I happily admit that this is because of both of us, not just me. He hasn't always been this horrible man and I truly hope to them he won't always be.

Itsbeenalongtime - It was his birthday a couple of months back and I offered to get them a card to send him, they said no thanks. So on his actual birthday I reminded them both 3 times to text him, they didn't want to. I felt sorry for him so I sent him a text wishing him happy birthday. The next day I get a phone call saying it was disgusting I hadn't made them send a card and he didn't believe I had done anything I said I had. I get this was because he was hurt but it makes me feel why do I bother.

But I am still the lucky one despite everything. For Mother's Day they clubbed together and bought me a silver ring with their names engraved on it. I don't wear much jewellery and they know I miss wearing my wedding ring - unsurprisingly this gift made me cry ( a lot ).

Not looking forward to Father's Day this year.......but I'll still try.

God I go on don't I ? Probably why he left !!!! Sorry it's just it helps so much to get it out.