My Little Girl

I need your advice again.
I My wife and I have been seperated for 9 mths now. I have a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old son.
When we split up there were tears from both kids, My little lad didn't fully understand and is only just begining to ask why I left and when will I be coming back. My daughter was upset in the beginning and then things got better up to just recently when she has been so upset at home and begging for me to returen, she blames her mum because she has it in her head that I want to come back but her mumt won't let me. I have set her straight on this.
It upsets me so much to see my children in such a state I just don't know what to do?
Can anyone help please? My x2b and I have both agreed that there is no way back for us but we will remain good friends and do talk ok with one another, how can I easy my childs pain?

HI Mark

it is so difficult for children to understand and it is good that you have a good relationship with your ex that you can talk.
I looked up google and read up on this when I knew that it was on the cards
There is a book called - "Helping your children cope with divorce" and gives lots of useful advice.(its a Relate book)
Your children need lots of reassurance and as much routine as can be kept - especially knowing where/when they are going to see you.
the fact that you and your ex are able to talk will help them, I know everyone says kids are reslient but this has rocked their world. I am sad that the day they were told will be a defining day for them in their lives that they will never forget without feeling exteme sadness.
However as long as you spend as much time with them and reassure them of when you see them next - they will get used to the new situation
It is hard for us grown ups to understand and cope with the changes in our lives - and we know why and how it all happened. So for them - it must be hard to understand.
be kind to yourself and good luck
Jolly

I do have routine with the kids, I phone them every morning and again in the evening and I see them every Tuesday at their swimming lessons and then we go out afterwards. The stay with me Friday through to Sunday ( week 1) and Friday night, saturday morning and then all day Sunday, We have much more quailty time now then we ever did. So the routine is there, I even got then a mobile phone to put on the kitchen side so if they ever wanted to call me they could, My x2b put a sheet up on the kitchen cupboard with all my contact numbers in case they wanted to call me , but because I call then and at set times they have never bothered to do so. It worries me that 9 months on and my daughter is like she was when it first happened. The kids are great when they are with me, and to be fair they have always had a closer relationship with me than their mum,

Hi again
it sounds like you are a really good dad who is trying there best for them, they are lucky kids.
maybe they will just take their time to get used to things.
I too did the same - put up numbers for the kids so they could phone their dad anytime - and they do now and again tho he phones a lot when he does not see them.
They do say that kids hold a desire for their parents to get back together for a long time even when they know it wont happen,
I dnot kow what else to suggest expecpt more of the same with lots of hugs and love and reassurance (which they sound like they get from you)
The only other thought I had was to see if there was an age appropritae book to help explain the situation for your daughter, and her anger maybe is her sadness turned inside, poor wee thing.
I know us parents just want their happiness and to remove all pain for them,



www.divorceaid.co.uk/child/children

realfamiliesrealanswers.org/?

these are a couple of sites for reference but there are hundreds of others - I hope they are useful - may give you ideas for a book/? to help you talk to your daughter.

Another source (if you felt this appropriate) is that Relate do family counselling and can run sessions for children to help them talk through their feelings.

I wish you and your children well

hi -

www.nfm.org.uk - some offices have services for children and speaking to their people can help you identify what is going on for your child - you and you ex may be doing something unintentionally - helped a friend of mine (and her ex) a lot with her little girl who is now settled and happy. The "helping kids in dovorce" is a great book - just a pity my stbx never read it.

L

hi mark 1974
it makes me nearly cry when I read how caring you are and how much it gets you that your daughter is upset. you really seem to be a very good dad and that helps her a lot i am sure!!!my husband doesn't seem to really want to see them - once a week for only a couple of hours and never calls to ask how they are. I still don't know if it's because it would hurt him or if he uses the kids to hurt me-the end of the day it is breaking my heart to see my kids being hurt and I feel so helpless!!!! keep going your kids seem to have a great dad!

I hope some people out there are reading this who still have a chance to change their minds about divorce. All this pain for the children is just the begining. Expect them to have endless failed relationships for decades. They now believe any good relationship is doomed to failure and so will form bad relationships of their own or if they have a good relationship they will destroy it before it destoys them.
A bit pesimistic? Checkout the rise and rise in divorce statistics...