Birthdays, parents and children

Hi

I am just wondering how others cope with birthdays and christmas when you have small children who are unable to buy presents.

Do you buy for your ex from the children?

My two were so upset on xmas day because father xmas had not left me any presents, they are only 5 and 2 and the eldest kept asking if I had been bad! I ended up in tears because not only had I just found out ex has been having an affair but that he thought so little of me not even to buy a token present for the boys to give me. I on the other hand spent a fortune and there was loads of presents under the tree for him. I was so upset for the boys rather than myself, because presents were the last thing on my mind.

The same happened on my birthday just after xmas. I purposely didn't tell the boys it was my birthday but a friend phoned and let it slip. Then the little ones were upset again. They didn't even have a card to give me. I ended up getting a home made one from the eldest which I will cherish forever. But he was again upset he had no gift for me.

I fully intend to buy presents for the boys to give their father on special occasions even though I couldn't care if I never saw him again. But for them to be able to give a small gift brings them so much joy.

The other problem I have looming is eldest's birthday next month. Do you invite ex's to the party? We will be having a big one as it will also be his joint leaving party before we come back to the UK. But all my friends will be there and they have all turned their back on my ex. How do you explain to a little one that daddy is not at his party.

Why is life so complicated. I feel like I am letting my sons down in so many ways.

Bev x

I feel for you hunny, I spent 5 years without pressies at xmas, this year I got one from my children that my eldest son went out to buy he is now 15 so able to take it under his wing bless him.

I always buy something little from the children for my ex and I mean something small but a token so that they have something to give on a special day.

It is a difficult one to deal with but an individual choice. x

Hi

my children always go with birthday and christmas presents for their dad although I get nothing in return.

I take them to the supermarket and they like to 'choose' themselves. If they pick the cheapest nastiest wine or aftershave I don't stop them.......



It makes the 'giving' so much more rewarding don't you think

poppy

Hi

How about keeping in the cupboard some nice place pieces of card and some colouring pencils, then when the children realise that you have not received a card, you can tell them, but I was hoping that you would make a special one for me. Then it REALLY does come from the children, and much nicer too, well I think so.
You could also keep some of packets of cake mix, then if you feel so inclind the children could make some cakes for a presentfor you. Nice for them to do and nice that they did it themselves.

I dont think I would actually want to go out and BUY things for my ex, and I certainly would not expect him to do that either. But, the children making their own cards and presents I feel is a little less clinical, and, they will get used to the fact then that neither of you buy for each other any more.

zara

I always make sure that my children have a card and a gift for their father at Christmas and his birthday. The first Christmas I spent quite a bit and chose the presents carefully and even had things engraved and personalised with messages from the children but never got one thank you. This Christmas they made him keyrings, coasters and calendars purchased from Yellowmoon as I had little money and prefered to spend it on the children.

It is about the children and them wanting to give, not him at all.

The first year, my daughter asked my mum to take her shopping for my birthday present and card. Last year, because my daughter never asked, my mum presumed (stupidly, her words) that my ex had actually bought me something from the children. My children were upset that they never had anything to give me.

This year will be different as I have a new partner, but I suggest when you come home that even if you have to give some money to your family to take your children shopping for a gift then this may help.

As for your son's birthday while still out there. I would invite your ex to a special family party, just you and the boys at your house. I did this for my baby's first birthday (though never again because he still couldn't act civil towards me) and then had the big family and friends party another time. That way there won't be an atmosphere at his proper party and he will have good memories of his last birthday and leaving party.

xx Sarah xx

I have 4 girls and my x has never made any effort to help them chose presents for me although initially I bought pressies cards etc from them to him but once I was told they were not welcome I stopped. My girls don't see their Dad now (long story) but I will ask them if they want to get him pressies or give them a bit of extra pocket money so they could buy a card or a present, so far they haven't. He does still buy them xmas and birthday presents that are left on the doorstep.
Up until this year I have given the girls money to buy presents for me and I have had a strange array of gifts not always what I wanted or needed but bought with love.
I have always provided stockings at xmas and for the first time this year they decided to do one for me using their own money. They were so excited planning and shopping and it was so nice to see them working together.
Christmas morning I had to fight back the tears as I opened my gifts, they had me completely sussed and bought me such special little presents that meant so much.
I know it's tough on the kids but like everything else it does get better with time. In the scheme of things the love you give and the love you receive back on a dailey basis are worth so much more.
As for the party, will Dad not be having a little party of his own for your son. I don't know whether I would be able to cope with x there but that is up to you and depends if you can still communicate civilly, it could be awkward for friends and relations.
Good luck
xx

It hurts...

My daughter gave me her pocket money for my birthday... my son actually forgot!

My x wrote to the court and said he hadn't had any correspondence from the children - not even birthday or christmas cards ...

interesting as he had had presents and a handmade birthday card sewn with love by my daughter!