Birthdays, parents and children

the first year me and my stbx split, i bought my self a small gift which the shop assistant wrapped, i put it under the tree when they werent looking.

on xmas eve we watched polar express, we left out a carrot and a glass of wine for santa. on xmas morning when they had opened their gifts they handed me that one. i acted surprized tore it open and said wow there is a santa. every occasion since i have done this. this year santa brought me a new iron.

as for their dad well hes welcome to do the same, but he gets nothing from my purse or my imagination.

actually this year he bought them nothing, but took us to court for contact, which he has now got. the kids are not amused but they know he treated him self well.

My ex did not actually get me anything for my birthday during our split and I gave him such a roasting he bought me something from my two year old this Christmas. Her 2nd birthday was 1 week after he left and I did invite him to her party. Even though his parents had come, he did not. Do you think your ex will actually turn up if you do invite him? You will at least know if he is a coward. I got a framed photo of our daughter for his Christmas present - chocs in return. But I really like the thought of letting my daughter loose in some nasty trashy shop with £5 to buy him some cr*p in the future. Good luck - it really does get better!

it is a personal choice - we have discussed it and plan to take them shopping to buy pressies for mummy and daddy - i know that if he didnt do it my mum would make sure that I had something for me. I have an eldest who is 14 who could do it for them but it is difficult if you have only have little ones. Could grandparents do it for them or a close friend. I took my best friends son shopping to buy his daddy a christmas card and pressie as she passed away last year. No none else bothered to sort out his birthday so I offered to take him christmas shopping with my son. I know how horrible it is though. people forget - my brother asked me this morning what he should get his wife for valentines - i chuckled and said - "thanks for that" - he had forgotten that i wouldnt be getting anything this year. just give family a gentle nudge to sort it out for them - they will be glad to help.

Hi

I totally understand your dilema.

My ex got me a couple of books from the kids for my birthday an dwe agreed presents from mum and dad for both birthdays and Xmas (although he wont give me any money for Xmas ones - so that will not happen again)

My mum knew I would not get many pressies this year - so made me a stocking - I nearly cried.

My ex has been to both parties - but I have made sure they were things that meant we did not have to interact/sit next to each other (one an adenture park and picnic and the other at a dry ski slope - sledging)

It is my ex's 40th next week - and I had bought too much for his Xmas from the kids - so kept half back for them to give him.

Could you ask your little ones and say- Its mummies birthday tomorrow - and do you know what would be the best present ever....a drawing/playdo shape/lego build whatever they are into and would have fun doing. Then they would feel they had contributed and that it was so valuable to you (which it would be) Then put it in pride of place!

Or as someone else said - get a friend/granny/auntie/nursery to do it with them??

Will be glad when Valentine cr*p is out of the shops - always hated red roses wine and chocs;)

Thank you so much for all you replies, and the useful suggestions. I guess I don't really need to worry too much about Xmas and my birthday again for another 10 months anyway! By that time who knows what will have happened.

I've just been feeling really down today, I don't know why and I got to thinking about Xmas and how I felt finding out on Xmas day about his affair. I remembered that he said he was going Xmas shopping a few days before, even though he had already moved out we had agreed that he would come back for Xmas eve/day.

I know now that he wasn't shopping for me or the boys but for her, which hurts so much.

Then go get that call on xmas morning and he went to her instead of staying with us, and seeing the boys opening their stockings really cuts me up. I try not to think about it, but it is haunting me at the moment. I know I need to move on but I have always tried to make xmas magical and special and I now feel that it has been ruined forever because I will always remember last year.

As far as the birthday party goes, I think I am going to ask ex to have son during the day, and then he can have his party later on, without ex being around. Ex will not do anything off his own initiative, unless it revolves around a pub somewhere.

Unfortunately I have no family around me out here, so it is even more difficult. Roll on May when I can come home.

I do love the suggestion of kids chosing the presents as well. I think I will take them shopping to stock up on the next 10 years worth of presents for ex before I come home. You won't believe the trash you can buy out here in China!

Bev x

Hey

As a seperated Father of three i can def see your side of the coin.
All of my three childrens birthdays as well as my stbx birthday fall in Nov/Dec and Jan and i have bought presents for their mum from them. The same applied mothers day to. I however did not get gifts the other way ( well fathers day i got a packet of wine gums! ). I would say that your kids feelings are far more important at tis stage than any adults and that they need to feel they can give gifts to their mum and dad. I did get homemade cards on these occasions and made a real fuss of my kids for that.

B

My ex takes the kids shopping and lets them chose presents for me on my birthday, xmas and mother's day and I do the same for him. Has worked well so far and the kids are happy because they have chosen the gift themselves.