His assets total £1.2mil and he’s asking me for money!?

How were the family finances run? We both got our salaries paid into one joint current account and all bills and mortgage came out of there.

Did he pay a fixed amount each month that was to cover mortgage and household costs either directly to you or into a joint account that you both used for that purpose and then you each kept your own money separate? No we were paid into the joint account and everything came out of it.

Or did you pool your finances with income going into one joint account? Yes exactly this.

Paying £950 per month into a pension to avoid 40% tax if you have excess income isn’t unusual but if it was coming out of a joint bank account it’s rather different. - It came out of his pre tax salary at source. As soon as we married he worked out we had a surplus every month and set up the AVC’s from his salary then the remainder of his pay came to our joint current account. I was unaware he was doing this until year 5 of the marriage. But he had been doing it since the start of our marriage.

What are the household outgoings like? £9.5k a month net income is far more than most households but if you have high living costs with school fees etc it can all be accounted for with little to be saved. - We didn’t always have this income - at the start of the marriage take home pay was 3.4K me 2.4K him. Over time I’ve increased my hours and taken on additional work. He inherited 371k in Sept 2023 so since then has had 2k in interest but this doesn’t come to our joint account.

What asset value did you each have at the start of the relationship? Me house equity 350k him flat equity 171k

How has he arrived at a figure of £40k that he wants? He says that’s part of the growth in equity of my house - the FMC.

Could you come back with a lower figure that he would probably accept? He will not accept any less and has told me this. I offered 23k which is all I have in our joint savings (total of our joint savings is 46k so I said he could take my half 23k he refused.

How much time, money and emotional energy are you prepared to spend arguing over that amount of money? Ugh that’s the question isn’t it?

If the £900 per month was coming out of his salary then you should argue that it is a marital asset to be split. If he has been paying that amount for five years it’ll be £54k plus growth so could well be in the same sort of ballpark as the increase in equity over the same period.

Thank you so much for your advice WYSPECIAL and had enoughnow it means a lot.

Yes I have put exactly that argument to him many times and he has rejected it saying that the court would not let me touch his pension as he is close to retirement (age 60) and since I earn more than him and am younger than him (I am 48) so I have plenty of time to increase my pension. He then just keeps asking me for 40k.

It has got to the point where he is verbally harassing me to pay him the 40k on an almost daily basis. Following me about the house arguing and verbally assaulting me. I ended up getting a non molestation order a few weeks back as it was becoming intolerable. The judge wouldn’t order an ex parte occupation order but granted the non-molestatik order and listed the occupation order for a later hearing. I am waiting for the hearing date.

Meanwhile husband is refusing to move out unless I pay him the 40k. I’ve said I don’t even have my CETV back yet and there has only been limited disclosure (to the level of D81 / Consent Order type level) and so once I get the CETV back I’ll take a view on the finances, but I this has not stopped him pestering me re the finances on a daily basis. It is truly awful in the house and I’ve got my 2 kids here. He’s breached the non-mol order so many times since I got it. I’m not sleeping, barely eating and I have to go and do a responsible job every day. I am desperate to just be able to live my life peacefully.

I have pointed out that the growth in his pension together with the interest on his savings over the course of our marriage equates to more than the growth in equity in my house and as such I don’t owe him anything.

However he rejects this saying that his savings were kept separate from the marriage. When I point out that it was only the fact that he moved in with me in the first place that allowed him to sell his flat and keep the proceeds separate from the marriage since my house was meeting our accommodation needs and also due to this he was also able to retain his inheritance since my house met our accommodation needs hence allowing him to hang on to all his capital, he rejects this and just states that since he moved in with me my house is a marital asset but he will not accept that the interest on the sale proceeds from his flat and interest on his inheritance as marital assets.

He just doesn’t see that had my home not have been the marital home he would have had to use his savings and inheritance to contribute towards housing us so it was only by virtue of the marriage that he was able to retain these assets in the first place. In my opinion they should be considered marital assets or at least the interest on them should be surely?

Truly though I don’t want a single penny from him I just want to be left with my house, my pension (likely to be 100k cetv for my nhs pension plus 100k for my superannuation account) my half of the joint savings (23k) and the little personal savings I have (18k). He can keep his 1.2mil as far as I’m concerned I just want him gone and to be left with what I already own. Am I being unreasonable to ask for that to be the outcome?

I don’t want to have to spend what little savings I have on legal fees or on mediation/arbitration/court as I still have 2 kids to put through university in the not too distant future, but similarly I don’t want to give what little savings I have to him either - especially given his position and what he has built up during the marriage. Do I have a reasonable argument? Or am I dreaming?

You have a reasonable argument.
If he thinks a court wouldn’t take into account his pension based on his age he is going to get a wake up call.
He has 7 more years to state pension age and already feels he can afford to work part time. He can buy a suitable home outright and still have substantial savings. He has a large pension pot if he drew that down at 4% from age 67 with state pension he would have an income in excess of £35k pa. It sounds as if a lot of the pension pot was built up during the marriage.
Wait and see if he starts to see sense at mediation.

When looking at his pension check the contribution history and, assuming it will be the case, how it spikes when you get married.

If things are this bad at home and you have reached an impasse, it doesn't really seem like trying to resolve this directly is going to work.. that you need either a mediator or if he won't engage, to go th court route which is there for cases where the couple cannot agree and need someone to make a ruling. Both of you seem to believe the court would be on your side.

Has one or both of you already filed for divorce, sorry if that was stated?

If this is a house you own personally, rather than a matrimonial home, I'm wondering if you can force him to move out, what do the panel think?
From the level of unpleasantness at home (for all parties presumably), if it were a shared house I might suggest you have the financial means to consider moving out as your mental well-being is more important, most people don't really have that luxury.

It's the matrimonial home where I live with my 2 kids. I don't want to uproot my kids as they've been through enough.

I will go to mediation once my cetv is back