Taking the children to meet the new partner.

Mark, I expect your ex thought that your son would be OK once he actually met her new bloke. Clearly she was mistaken, which is not surprising given that he is old enough to feel that his wishes weren't being respected when they aren't. Maybe now she will see the sense in respecting your son's feelings.

Sadie

during her visits to the house to see our son she said that her np has a drink problem and has been drinking cider since he was about 3 or 4 year old, she also said he smokes spliff just a couple of days before our son did drug awareness at school, she also commented that her np was comming to sort me out because i would not let her just take what ever she wants out of the house, i said she had to wait till the final settlement, also her daughter says that the np got violent with her and her boyfriend when he was drunk and this was confirmed by my s2bx's mother, all this has been said in front of our son and she can not understand why our son does not want to meet the np and is upset that she made arrangements behind his back, any progress she had made to rebuild her relationship with our son after she walked out has been set back, because she could not wait for him to come round.

I have seen parents cause "chaos" over the years by handling issues like this inaproprietly.

Remember..."contact" is the right of the child not that of parents

Stop and always consider before acting....

"Am I doing this for me or my children"

An example of this is when a father demands overnight staying contact with a very young child-there are times when a build up to allow bonding etc is required.

Now the dynamics can often be observed as follows:

The Primary Carer starts to dictate to the absent partner contact terms etc.
In the old days when one party got custody many experts felt having such order and piece of paper did not helpas on occasions it would be used to dictate terms re access (contact).

Gladly those dark days are gone and in marriage BOTH parents have equal rights as they have "Parental Responsibility".

Responsibility as parenthood is a heavy burden as needs to be exercised in the children's best interests wisely.

Also the "wronged" party will be upset, bitter, vengeful etc so there are also difficulties of making clear and balanced descisions whilst in this frame of mind.

Many a contact dispute could have been avoided by either party having counselling...if nothing more than to step back and look at the bigger picture.

Remember adultery is often a sympton NOT a cause.

So where does all this fit in.

Both parents have to have the "bottle" to put their own person agenda, to one side in the Children's best interests.

If that means not introducing a new partner for a time to adjust then so be it. Too early introduction can be very damaging.

Children also will tell parents what they want to hear -so remember that...
occasionally they can play one off against the other.

As a rule of thumb a safe approach is not to introduce the partner unless the relationship is a stable one. Clearly if the parties are living together it would be an artificial step to keep the C away.....so start a gradual build up...with both parents reassuring the C of their love. I reckon after a 6 month relationship with no obvious problems is a useful guide but individual cases can demand a longer period if the C display such need.

There will only be one MUM and one DAD.

Sure there will be fears of a "new family" threatening the family unit but in reality this is a very rare event.

One word of caution - I have observed many teen girls ultimately reject a primary caring mother who has kept Dad away for years -when she grows up and becomes more mature..often when Mum may be in a new relationship and the Child's nose is out of joint...ultimately the unkindest cut for her.

Parents have to work TOGETHER and despite the hurt etc make joint descisions and back each other up so the C have direction.

Children love routine.

Contact is an adult descision and really children should not shoulder the emotional burden of such decisions. Court will if nec listen to girls at say 8-9 and boys a littlr older say 10.

You need to start talking with your Ex for to have a sensible relationship for the C must endure for years.

Consider "mediation" if necessary.

Hi
My husband left just 6 weeks ago, and I found out he moved in with new woman last week. His solicitor sent me a horribly threatening letter saying that unless I gave him overnight contact they would take me to court etc. My boys are aged 3 and 6 and are very unsettled. My solicitor has said she thinks it is too soon for them as do I. I have offered every weekend for a full day and one evening after school.
Anyway, in this threatening solicitors letter it said their client wished to assure me that his new partner wouldn't be present for contact initially, however they wished to review this in time.
First weekend he had them - of course, the new woman was there the whole time - swimming, at this folks for tea etc
Now, do I just ignore this or do I tell my solicitor?
My 6 year old had a bad nightmare that night that he was going to be 'taken away'
Apart from the fact that it hurts me like hell, I feel it was too soon for the kids. She is 12 years younger than him and only 20 years older than my son

hi attilladahun not sure if your speaking in general or replying to my post, but just in case let me clear things up a bit.

at no time have i stood in the way of our sons contact with his mum, i have put credit on his mobile so he can text and phone her in private and not have to use the house phonein front of me in case he felt he could not talk properly, i've taken him to see his mum and arranged for her to come and see him in the house and i 've left them and gone else where. it was arranged that she would take him out every second saturday and during school hols she would ring him if she was free and make arrangements with him about going out, it was our son that said he does not want to meet her np,i have told her to give him time and see if he comes round as its all still fresh to him as she has been gone only about 8 months and she needs to prove to him that she does love him. But no she tried to force the contact with her np because she does not know or understand our son, she has also stated in a solicitor letter that her feelings on this are more important then our sons because shes the adult and he doesn't know whats good for him.

Mark she is playing with fire to ignore your son's wishes.

"she has also stated in a solicitor letter that her feelings on this are more important then our sons" -JUST the point I was making.............for whose benefit is contact anyway!!!!!!!! Sadly she needs educating....and often painful lessons are learnt when a spouse gets a CAFCASS report which confirms the child is adamant what his/her wishes are.

I agree with your solr!!

Clearly he is not to be trusted on that evidence