Divorce is good ....

The bottom line is they are shits and a waste of DNA...they are not worth your tears, angst etc. You will all get over it and begin to move forward...probably be better off for it...only the other day i was thinking i have done more in the last year than i ever did with ''it''...so its all good and sure i still have good and bad days but i had more bad days with ''it''.

I have just written a blog trying to express the very deep sadness I feel and trying to understand it and then I read this thread. Afon, Flowers you sum up so poignantly how I feel.
Has divorce been good for me? It''s effect has not been a good one, at least initially. Being on a survival level for a while made me meaner, self-preoccupied, impatient, even ruthless sometimes but I think I have come out the other side now. I was kinder before, more considerate, laughed more but I had security then and a partnership. I suppose I had to become tougher. I have learnt to go without and perhaps that has been one good outcome. I haven''t seen the inside of a John Lewis for years now. I have also learnt about an aspect of humanity that I really had been protected from. I had no real understanding of abandonment and the whole husband/ wife has become an alien thing. It really is hard to become the unloved one. My ex will always rent a room inside my head but I have been completely replaced. This has left me with a real empathy for anyone else going through this situation. I too find Wiki really helpful to connect with others who know.
My future meaning will not be found within another coupledom. I am too co-dependant in relationship. I am better alone (now) and each day I try to do the right thing for at least some of the time.

I too have become a person I dont recognize and dont always like. I used to be very caring and would do anything for anyone.
I am heading back towards that person again but what was always natural for me I now have to think first.
I think its called putting yourself first. I have been a wife, mother, carer for 30 years and suddenly having to think about my position first is hard. Im finding my feet, 18 months down the line, and hope to find the new me soon .
Best of luck.

I am starting to realise how much energy I was pouring into making things work. How many of my own hopes and aspirations for the future I had abandoned because it didn''t fit in with the ex''s expectations.

I now understand now that it is was not a case of not good enough it was a case of never was going to be good enough. At least now I can make my own mind up about what a ''worthwhile'' life means.

Divorce will be good for me but I''m not quite there yet.

Take care of yourselves people.

That was exactly the same for me I stopped thinking about me and my dreams I even stopped thinking for myself. I would start a conversation by saying [ex''s name] said this or that and took on his thought and opinions as my own.

Now I have my own opinion and I agree with the last poster I always thought I was not good enough not a good enough wife or not a good enough mother. Now I realise I am not perfect but his standards were so high I could never achieve them.

The ow he left me for must be some angel!

Hi Louise

The OW may be an angel, who knows. I do however know one thing, your ex will have subconsciously worked out if he could control the OW within 30 minutes of meeting her and he will probably do to her what he did to you. One of my biggest " penny dropping " lessons which came curtesy of Shoegirl was " wherever he goes, there he is " This little beauty took so much pain away for me. Prior to this I imagined that the OW was so much better than me, that it was I who made him miserable, it was I that made him mad. It was I....the list went on. Now I know different. If I had stood up to him more, all that would have happened was we would have split up sooner. Instead I went the other way and became subservient, a ghost. In the end there was nothing left to control, so off he went.

Divorce is giving me gifts. I owe it to myself to be nicer, kinder and more loving to me. I''m getting better and better and I hope you will to.

Take care

LG xXx

Littlegreen...... Your comment "Now I know different. If I had stood up to him more, all that would have happened was that we would have split up sooner. Instead I went the other way and became subservient, a ghost" is just how I felt.

I look at myself now and there would be no way I would allow to be walked all over like I was.

Going back to Declans initial post, I am very grateful for where I am and what I have.

This year I intend to be completely selfish and put myself first for once.