Triggers

I am having such a low day.

In general in the last couple of months I have had a few days at a time where I am emotionally quite calm then comes a meltdown but the last few days have been really tough.

Anything is triggering stabs of utter heartache, pain and anxiety. I am managing to deal with these as they come but they have been coming thick and fast today.

Offloading to people on here helps but I wonder if anyone has any practical tips for dealing with these thoughts and emotions as they arise?

Hi I go through phases where everything is too much - my coping strategy is to go and curl up on my bed and sleep for a little while - quite often I was not really sleeping - just hiding from the world I guess.

Those times are less than they were - walking my dog, listening to music loud help also.

Perhaps you could make a list of what exactly it is you are worried about and try to address those problems one by one - often its a vague worry that grips us, and addressing the problems, writing them down and looking at them practically help no end.

Sending you hugs ((()))

Jedzy

Thanks for replying. Today it has been everything.....walking down the street, seeing a shop we may have been in, thinking about everything we have done together.

Most of the time I seem to be able to exercise some mental discipline with regards these thoughts. Mindfulness has helped but sometimes it just feels too hard. It almost feels like I need to indulge myself in teh pain and sadness and I can''t stop myself.

Hopefully this is natural and part of the process.

Thanks for the Hugs Jedzy - same to you xx

We understand your despair when the triggers bring you down, but try to believe that gradually it will get better. Sometimes you just have to let the waves of pain wash over you and believe that in time the good days start to outnumber the bad.

Read about those who have come through it. The realisation that you are not alone with your fear is very comforting and will give you hope that the intense pain you feel today will eventually subside. Believe wikis who tell you that in time the triggers will be less dramatic and those special places which once meant so much to you will eventually not cause you pain.

Be extra patient with yourself, lean on family and friends at home and wiki friends and you will find the courage and determination to get through days like this.

I am a long way past what you two are going through at the moment, and so I am a complete authority on this one, as are others a long way past. Eventually it stops, unfortunately the key word is ''eventually''.

(Sorry in advance for I''ve rambled, skip to the end for some practical tips)

I used to call it my misery pudding, for it sat heavy right in my solar plexus, and every so often it would sort of implode with so much pain, despair and fear I too could only curl up and hold myself tight. I took to wearing big sunglasses all the time I was out, because if I couldn''t curl up, the only thing to relieve the vicious grip was when the tears came. I remember vividly walking back to my car, holding myself tense all the way, promising myself I would get there without collapsing, the tears streaming from my eyes, knowing my husband was happy and lighthearted with OW. The pain was so strong I sort of became disassociated from myself.

Five and a half years on, it was only reading your post that reminded me. I can''t recapture those feelings of pain and misery, thank heavens. My life isn''t perfect nowadays, however I can''t think of a single person I know who I would swap lives with. Most importantly I wouldn''t swap with the me in a parallel life who''s husband didn''t dump her. Certainly money is a bit tight, however I seem to get far more out of life. My garden is small, so it''s ok that I can''t afford a gardener or the gym, as an hour preparing a metre square of ground today for sowing some millet and sunflowers for bird food proved to be very effective weight training. I''m off to the ballet tomorrow night, Giselle, it''s in the cinema rather than Convent Garden, I see the same performance though. I could really bore you by going on and on with all the lovely things I do nowadays, all for me.

For me it has worked out better than OK. I still regard myself as recovering from an horrendous trauma; I only notice the healing though when I poke around at the wound. I am now a rather happy life work in progress.

In practical terms, in my opinion, you''ve got to go through the darkness. Trying to force yourself off the hamster wheel of emotion is probably more detrimental than tiring yourself out with it. You might want to take a time check, for the time you are held in that vicious grip of pain does diminish. The time your tears take to calm you reduces too. After each overwhelming attack, when you can lift your head again be especially kind and gentle with yourself, spray some scent, massage some body lotion, or face cream, whatever makes you feel good. (No I am not talking about necking a bottle of wine or chomping through an obscenely giant chocolate bar, they are not good for you) Dust yourself down and keep going.

The original quote is much better, I can''t remember it though, it goes something like this:

If you''re scared of climbing your mountain, you''ll just have to do it afraid. Love it, I''ve done so much whilst being afraid, and feel so much stronger now as a result.

With heartfelt good wishes xx

The people of wiki are brilliant.

It is so nice to hear stories of others who have been through this.

The last few days have just been particularly bad but I feel better this evening.

I do think I am getting better at letting the bad times just roll by without trying to fight them. I am trying not to distract myself from them but to feel the pain and sadness and then let it pass.

I think this must surely be the best way to deal with this. I want to reach a point where I am calm, contented and happy. Also, I want to get to a point where I am not consumed by anger and resentment.

It is 9 months now so I think in the grand scheme of things that is still quite recent. Also, my wife is still here but moving out in about a months time.

I just need to grind it out...

All the best folks.

M.

Funnily enough I attended a course on trigger factors 2weeks ago,and this proved quite enlightening to me..

Obviously it was regarding a different area,but loads of what the psychologist said made loads of sense to why some things trigger me off regarding my divorce.
I have revisited many places that we had visited,at the beginning the memories were prevalent,but as time as moved on,those memories do not hurt so much.

My trigger factors are really stupid, they are mostly when something goes wrong at home or with the car,but my girls bring me down to earth and they are right...anything can be sorted:dry:

As I said though the course I attended was regarding trigger factors that led to aggression in Mental health...
Obviously just like divorce one size does not fit all,but the majority of triggers have been proven to be unresolved issues,this makes a lot of sense to me so much...No matter how amicable a divorce will be,there will be issues on one side,so when a divorce happens because of betrayal,those issues will be magnified.
Our Ex''s are only going to tell us how much they want us to know,they will never tell the whole truth,so inevitably we will have unresolved issues:(

Moona,it is all still unresolved for you,despite the fact your both doing your best for the kids,there will still be issues you would like answers for,but possibly know your not going to get.Although the ultimate is you have to go through the pain,in order to make yourself stronger.When she finally moves and you can go through a grieving phase,you will finally star your healing process....

Okay long-winded I know,but really deep down it makes a lot of sense,unresolved issues create triggers of emotion, finding your coping mechanism is totally individual though.

Cwtchs
Afon Xx