Marital home settlement

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Welcome to Wiki!

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this all-too-familiar situation.

Quite often the person who wants a divorce (rarely do both parties agree about it) has very clear ideas about what the other person is entitled to. But their ideas are usually way off the mark.

Firstly in any divorce the priority is the children, if there are any. It's usually best to maintain the status quo for them, so if one parent is the main carer, they usually get residence. If both parents care equally, joint residence is quite normal too.

As for the finances - both people need to live. If joint residency is decided, then both parents need housing adequate for this. If one parent gets residency then the non-resident parent needs a place big enough for the children to stay overnight.

Finances are decided according to need, not according to who paid most or who was unfaithful. All assets of the marriage whether jointly or separately owned are up for splitting between both parties.

It's best if parents can agree about finances and childcare, perhaps with mediation if they can't do it between themselves. If it goes to court it gets nastier and usually neither party gets what they want, there's less money because it goes on legal costs.

Perhaps if you let your wife know this she might be more co-operative.

Has she told you why she wants a divorce? Perhaps she thought she'd be better off, so you might want to tell her that usually after divorce both parties have to downsize.

Thanks,

I guess my issue is that she is intent on me signing off my ownership of the house for about £10k.... Its my home and not only will i lose the woman I love, but also not get to see my son every day. Why should I suffer because she wants out? So she gets a one sided settlement on a house with a mortgage that interest only is now only £120 a month...where i live somewhere far smaller, far less comfortable and pay ten times that.

Its also worth noting I have just been made redundant...she earns about £50k a year

In terms of why she wants a divorce.... well, its just that life has been tough. I got involved with a business a few years back...got robbed by the boss and put through hell.
It caused us financial stress and some distrust from her because she thought I should have stayed in the steady job I had.

As a result of the way this guy treated me I suffered from depression...tough on me, but I recognise, tough on her as well and it just seems that everything has gone wrong for us. The depression did make me emotionally variable at times, although I guess my worst is most peoples normal.

Its just been a grind, with so little joy....i have been involved in fraud and civil proceeding to try to recover the wages and compensation(Approx £150k) for 3 years and it could take another two to get close and to make sure this guy goes to prison(he stole about £16m in total from employees, suppliers etc)

Money is probably been the source of our arguments 95% of our time together(Living together for over 11 years and married for over 8). She is obsessed with financial security where as to be fair I am less worried and whilst I dont have expensive habits, I'm not thrifty.
I guess partly this is because at some point in my life I will inherit a significant property and money(My family) that would provide more than nicely for retirement.

I have made it worse since she told me because i struggled to accept it, still cant really. All the advice I have had to perhaps rescus the marriage I find impossible to follow as It involves not telling her I want her to change her mind and not telling her I love her.

Perhaps your wife feels the only way to have any security is to divorce you and keep the house. That isn't necessarily what will happen but perhaps she feels she will be better off without you as she isn't happy about your attitude to money.

Have either of you thought of counselling to resolve your problems?

I wouldn't rely on getting an inheritance either - lots of people have assumed they will inherit and other things have happened.

You will need to discuss things with your wife and it might help if you focus on what will be best for your son.

With 150-200k equity you won't be getting just £10k. No way. Your wife needs some realistic advice. The best she could hope to get would be two thirds, which would leave a payment to you of at least £50k from the house alone. After an 11 year relationship the ISA's won't be treated as hers alone either. So that adds another £9k as well. Now we're up to nearly £60k. The reality is that where one pot has to provide two households where previously it financed only one, both will live to a lower standard than they did before. Does your wife want a materially lower standard of living, because that's what she will certainly have?

I agree with both nell and jonathan here in that it seems somewhat ironic that your wife seeks financial security and yet if she starts to look objectively about what will happen by necessity if this proceeds to separation and divorce that no court will allow her to go off with basically all the marital assets (and worse the children).

Some sort of counselling or at least pointing your wife to the realities of divorce (maybe not this website though) will help her and you think through what you both really want.

Sounds like you have both been through a really rough time with what has happened to you though business.

Trouble is when fraudsters take off with the money it can be all but impossible for creditors to get it back - so often it has just dissapeared.

Guys,

Its really good of you to respond. The big blazing rows of the last couple of weeks have been since I suggested thats I didn't HAVE to move out and her plan was not liklely if i dug my heels in and went via official routes. As it goes I was made redundant again!! a week or so ago. I went from moving down here in 1996 to oct 2008 without ever being in this situation- to facing it 3 times in three years. I work in media sales which has become a grave yard since the crdit crunch.
Her argument is that I should be ashamed that she has been the more productive financially(not working led to depression, so its not as though its something I wanted).
I dont want my son to know, actually my family and friends(hers do) dont have a clue whats going on because i am ashamed that my wife doesn't want to be married to me. I used to tell the worlkd i had the best marriage and loved telling everyone how much I thought of her and how proud of her I was.
I dont want to ma\ke her out to be the devil because actually she is a remarkable person...but if i go with what she wants what life or prospects do I have?

She has said that when my grandfather dies I'll be fine...but the fact is I always saw any inheritance os "OURS" not mine.

I wont lie and say she has no cause to complain, I haven't been the perfect husband...okj, I have bnever cheated, she has never had to doubt that I loved her and still do...but have cocked up with my choices at times and been less than pe3rfect when i was suffering frtom depression.

It does however appear to me, that if the circumstances were reversed and I decided i had to move on and said it was all about thinking of myself...because I am a man, I would be the worlds biggest *****, yet thats me as well because I wont roll over.