Heartbroken

Hi everyone-

Just less than 6 weeks ago my husband moved out while I was at work. He says he had been planning it for a week and a half. He had his work colleagues, who I used to spend a lot of time with, pack up most of the valuable items and left a note saying the marriage is over. For the week and a half before he left he was nicer than he had been in months.

I love him dearly and have been destroyed by this. He left at the worst time in my life and I have been unable to work.

He canceled the lease on our flat, I'm homeless in 6 weeks.

He is paying his half of the rent for three months from when he left (two months of this is required to terminate the lease). He is paying most household bills for that 3 months as well.

He makes 4 times what I do, largely because I supported him emotionally and financially through unemployment, a court case, and two degrees.

He says he doesn't even owe me the 3 months.

He will only communicate through formally worded emails.

He is an alcoholic who was verbally abusive for years, but only when drunk. I could petition for divorce on much more horrible grounds than he is trying to use.

I have no family in this country, and he has turned most of our mutual friends against me in the month it took me to get myself together enough to talk to anyone.

I feel like my world is collapsing around me. When does this become easier?

How does someone treat their partner this way? I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like this.

I just really needed to get it all out. If anyone can offer help or advice or an idea of how long this pain is going to last please let me know.

hi.
I really felt the desperation in your message.you donot say how long you have been together,by supporting him financiall for all this time he must be regarding just as a provider and now that he is self sufficient he is ready to move on.financially you just have to through yourself at the mercy of the estate for a while till you can find a job.Emotionnaly it is going to be harder ,specially if you have no relatives here.AS for the friends ,if they take sides trust me they were never your friends,you are better off withuot them.I will suggest that once you feel a bit better that you go to the employment bureau,I am not sure what you employment cv are but if have have supported him you should not have a problem finding a job even if it is not what you are qualified for just take something to tie you over ,it will help you getting out of the house and making friend.Do join the chat room ,a lot of us are there till early hours in the morning.Most of us have been through a lot,some worse than others,there are tears and laughter,best of all somebody to listen and noone knows you.It does get better with time .
take care

Hi
I'm so sorry to hear of the awful time you are having and
wanted you to know there are people on here who understand.
My first post here was dire and desperate but it does get better. The first two weeks went by in a daze. The first two months were horrendous but then i found every time i had a terrible day I came out of it a little stronger. It is now 5 months for me and sometimes I even feel like me. Keep posting and asking for all the help you need.
Look after yourself and a big virtual hug from me.
You will smile again.....honest
Megan

Inlove,
Welcome to wikivorce. Dealing with an alcoholic is not easy at the best of times. As with any addiction, it changes personalities and the addicts go to extraordinary lengths to cover their tracks and feed their addiction.

On a more practical level, has he actually started divorce proceedings? Have you received his petition?

You don't say how long you have been married, or if you have any dependant children.

It sounds like he is being pretty awful to you. You must be devastated. If you post a little more information about your circumstances, people maybe able to offer some more practical advice.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. It will get better.

Mike

Hiya,

i am lso a foregner and have also been left alienated by all of "our friends". It's 14 months down the line, and it seems as though it is the best thing that could have happened. It's only when you are on the outside looking in that you can see the bad habits brought into the relationship.

This will sound really stupid, but Dr Phil (yes of Oprah fame) brought out a book called relationship rescue. He sets a bunch of tasks for completeion on the reality of your relationship. Once the tasks were completed, it brought me a lot closer to closure. Once i realised how contaminated and toxic the relationship was it really helped me to bring a little closure, draw strength from myself and move on knowing that this was the best for all involved.

Some tips if i may:

Mourn (you have lost a partner)
Keep focused (you have a life)
Love yourself before anyone else
Trust yourself and your instincts
Be resolute in your decisons

Good luck

inlove wrote:

He is an alcoholic who was verbally abusive for years, but only when drunk.

I can totally understand that; although my ex cited in his reasons for divorce that I 'intimidated him into thinking he was an alcoholic'. And my suggestion that I file for his abuse was met by (expensive) threats from his solicitor to cross-petition against my Petition, (which becomes expensive litigation). However, once Divorce is applied for, the 'reason' has no bearing on a Financial Settlement.

In terms od how long this pain lasts; no answers apart from "how long is a piece of string". Certainly you will go through the loss similar to Bereavement, (I echo DIY's words there) and coupled with your unsure housing and financial circumstances, and the process of Divorce Hell (taking around 18 months) there's little light at the end of the tunnel.

However, if like me you 'lost yourself' to this man, (supporting his emotional needs, his work etc) then like me the sting of losing both a man you once loved, (lost to addictions beyond your control) and losing friends who were once trusted, then recovery will come when you can stand outside of the relationship, learn to defind yourself as an individual, and learn to exist without the structure of your marriage.

Allow yourself to greive, it doesn't go overnight, but eventually it eases, and one day you'll wake up NOT thinking about him.

For me it's nine months (also like you, just prior to telling me he wanted a divorce, we were at our happiest).... However, I'm doing a lot of work on myself, in re-gaining my career, in re-gaining my confidence and getting on with enjoying my life. I do this with amazing support from TRUE friends. People that cared about me before I met him, during our time together and now after our seperation.

Surround yourself with the good friends you have and forget about his fickle mates; how damn childish to take sides in this day and age!

...and stay posting here, lots of legal, financial and emotional support hon!

Sera
xx

Thank you everyone-

I feel a little less alone. Someone said I should post more details.

We have been married 3 years 5 months and lived together for a total of 4.5 years. We have no children. He is 14 years older than me.

We both have struggled with depression for years. He forced me to switch my anti-depressants a couple of months before he left, swearing he would help me through the change. The new pills had horrible side effects (its potential to cause this is well documented, and the meds are controversial). He cites the side effects as my unreasonable behavouir in the draft petition.

This was the worst time of my life in many ways, and I thought that he understood and was trying to help me through it, like I did him so many times. Turns out he was just planning to leave.

Would I be better off cross filing, citing his unreasonable behavior throughout the marriage? Does the fact that he caused so much emotional distress, making it impossible for me to work, have any effect on things?

He says he will file the papers at the end of this month. They include statements about me being suicidal (this happened one time as a reaction to the meds and I stopped taking them immediately). I'm terrified of this information becoming part of a court record.

I never realized he was an alcoholic while we were married. I feel so guilty that I didn't see it and try to help him.

I miss him so much, and would do anything if he would come back to me.

-Kelly