Fear of it happening again....

I had the worst year of my life last year. An unwanted divorce, the stress of it being because of an affair. Arguments, anxiety, depression, a financial situation nearly seeing me go under . If I didn't have the most amazing parents who could stump up a load of cash, basically my inheritance, I really would have been up sh*t creek with two young children in tow. I do okay now, but suffer with mild anxiety and still have nightmares

I have been seeing somebody new and I have been really lucky. He is a lovely generous, gentle understanding soul . Its been going so well, that realistically , soon, it makes sense to move in together. And then my anxiety all started up again with a vengeance. What if my heart gets broken again? How will I cope? How far is it sensible to share finances? How can this work? It so much more complicated at this stage of life where i Have my own house, he has his own house. How can we sensibly combine our lives without me ever putting myself in a situation where mine and the children's futures are at stake?

I'm really very much in love with this man. But my traumatic history is spoiling it. I can't imagine him ever behaving the way my ex did, and like to think if it all well wrong he would be far more reasonable, but then I never would have dreamt that what happened in my divorce was possible either.

How are others coping in new relationships? Is it possible to get fully over such a traumatic time and just be happy and relaxed and not always looking over my shoulder for disaster to occur.

You mention moving in together. Not signing that bit of paper.

So unless you actually sign that piece of paper you can live in sin !!! People do not judge like they used to and I know many couples like this and some take the others surname to keep the neighbours happy. Its classed as a business decision. 2 partners.
The only slight danger is if they produce a child together which links them if they split.

I imagine that you do actually talk.!!!
Yes you have 2 owned (??) houses so rent one out and if it goes wrong you both have a fall back zone. Again I know many people like this.Or if one rents and one owned then if they split they go back to where they were before.

One consideration of course is loss of any (if any) benefits you get. One might be the single persons council tax.

I know of many couples married or not who keep finances in separate accounts in their name and they agree that one pays for abc and the other for xyz. Its not rocket science to agree even if its one sided in favour of one or the other. Thats common as well especially if incomes are different.

Anyone who has been through divorce will tell you that they are wary of taking that plunge again but have you strict views that you have to be actually married ?

People will also tell you that if they have found someone who ticks most of the boxes then enjoy it whilst it lasts which of course can be until the end of time. You know what to expect if it goes wrong this time and the worst that could happen is that you are back where you started.
But whats the best that can happen !!!!
You are going into this with your eyes open this time and not in the same way as the flush of first love.

If we keep looking back at the ''mistakes'' we have made we live in the past and the past cannot be changed but your future certainly can.

In any second or subsequent relationship we all come with baggage of some sort and this has to be understood by both parties. I know we build a protective wall around ourselves but this has to give to enable us to move on at all.

After all in life if we didn't take some sort of risk in life we would never move on and be stuck. And who wants to have a boring life stuck in a rutt ?

As for always looking over your shoulder...you could be hit by a bus...win the lottery..whatever. Nobody can really predict the future.

I will still cut my grass this weekend despite the fact the North Koreans might blow us up !!!!

I certainly would not want to re-marry in the near future. But I know that for him, it might be important as time goes on. He has never been married. Children might be on the agenda too - he has none of his own. I suppose that can all easily wait until I feel much more secure. Its not like he pressures me in the slightest.

Yes, our immediate instinct is for him to rent his property out and move in with me. Yes, this will mean the loss of single occupant council tax, and the child tax credits I get now. We do talk about it, and he knows that I would need him to 'pay' me the losses I will incur from him moving in, which would pretty much cover half the water rates, electric, gas, council tax etc. He's generous and sweet and patient.

I guess it all feels so 'unromantic'. And that's whats annoying me so much. I have lots of anger towards my ex, the crazy behaviour, money grabbing attitude has just marred my thinking somewhat. I was always such a happy-go-lucky, trusting soul, who is a little cautious and suspicious and hesitant now. I guess it could be called just 'going into it with my eyes open' instead!

Some helpful words there Polar. Thanks for replying.

Just a small point.
Would you lose tax credits ? You would still be a single person but I admit to knowing little about TC.

And your loss. Half gas electric gas etc. Surely you would not lose that much. You will lose any increased usage but as you pay those bills now anyway for you and the kids its a case of 2 can almost live a cheaply as 1 !!!

I think that there is a misconception about the romantic bit. Its a practical bit on one side and a relationship on the other.
Most relationships start off romantic but after the honeymoon period it sure turns to practicalities !!!

I got married again recently and if it costs me half my house so be it, I'm certainly not looking over my shoulder expecting the same to happen again, I'm happy to jump back in whole heartedly but with do have a rather unromantic prenuptial agreement which was bought on line from a reputable source so technically and legally correct but cheaper than the service the solicitor offered. It states that my house remains mine and my husband accrues no interest in it even if he contributes during the marriage, that his daughter has no rights to it in event of his death and that he has 6 months right to stay in the house in the event of my death.
There were lots of other editable sections about contributions, debts, savings and inheritances etc. but we kept it simple in that everything is joint except the house.
The fact that we had such a document officially witnessed should count for something should there be any disputes in the future and my partner felt better being able to show my grown up children that he wasn't after their inheritance (as if - we Intend spending the lot but that's another story).

Hi Krazy,

Well done you it's great that people are slowly & cautiously moving on .

I have tbh, it scares me to death, i nearly lost everything when i divorced 19 yrs ago, then got involved in another long term relationship that i've not long come out of.

I have met someone new, he's great but i feel i could never put myself thru it all again. Mainly due to my recent split, he wasa bully & intimadating & it's knocked the stuffing out of me totally. My confidence is slowly returning, but the anxiety leaves me feeling very wary.

In my previous realtionship i refused point blank to have any joint accounts with him, no joint credit cards, nothing, I figured, that if he truly cared, loved etc me, he would respect my wishes & go along with what i wanted, he did.

I'm extremely happy living alone right now, can do what i please, i.e cook if i want, watch what i want on tv, read, listen to music, get out in the garden etc. Even tho' i'm moving on now, i'm terrified of ending up in a controlling relationship again.

The guy i'm seeing is so different to previous guy's, & i really don't know if it will last, right now i'm enjoying seeing him at weekends, we've boked our 1st holiday abroad together for later in the year & he's been totaly insistent on paying for everything, which i have to say, i find really odd, as i've always paid my own way for stuff like that.

Don't rush into anything, enjoy it, have fun, what is the hurry moving in together, have free time for yourself, you deserve it, even that soak in the bath, what's wrong with seperate bank accounts, it worked for me for 18 yr's. Before you commit again, Committ to yourself 1st, time for you, think things thru, if he really is the right one, he'll understand & be patient.

Maybe spend a week away together, see how it goes 1st, you have all the time in the world I know life is short, but enjoy what you have right now, He could always move in next year, rent his property, then he can split bills with you 50/50 on your house.

You've come along way, you have your own Home, don't leave it open to possibly end up having to start over yet again. I'm still kind of in the honeymoon period of my new relationship, we all know that once that is over it's back to the usual treadmill of life, put yourself 1st before you do anything else, it's ok to be selfish for a while


Good luck D

Thanks everyone.

Polar....yes I would lose the tax credits as that's based on 'household' income. He has a great well paid job, so that money would be gone. But, I wouldn't begrudge that, the tax credits currently help me massively to keep my head above water, but another working adult in the house would achieve the same thing. If it didn't work out I'd be eligible again.

Thanks everyone. I'm lucky in that the new fella is extremely understanding. And he makes all the right noises about how he feels about the ex putting me in a situation whereby I wouldn't have been alright without parents' help. He thinks to do that to the mother of your children is just not understandable at all.

I think our plan would be to rent his house. As you all say - he has a fall back then. And further ahead I suppose he could sell, plough the money into mine, and then yes, it would be a 'fair' joint asset.

We are holidaying in Florence next week (the children are away with the other parent for the week this side of things I don't even try to get over.....i miss my children when they are away from me and hate that 'family holidays' are no more etc). But I am taking advantage of it best I can.

In the summer we are going away all together, and that might be the 'moment' to know. If he can deal with me, and the kids, in a cottage by the sea for a week then I think he really might be a keeper.

Just talking it out on here has helped my thinking. Indeed, not everyone is a cheating lying money obsessed barsteward! I just need reminding of that sometimes.