Child has moved in with father

I have been separated from my husband for the last 3 yrs, my youngest (14) has decided to live with his father, I am devastated as we are really close, however I have let him make this choice in the hope that he will realize what he has ''lost'' with his mum. My ex is now demanding that I give him my sons birth cert and passport and he is threatening me if I don''t hand them over. Do I legally have to hand them over??

That''s terrible news, must be hard for you, but lets hope your son will come home to you in his own time. As far as I know you both have parental responsibility so you are entitled to keep his birth certificate and passport, hope someone else will post to confirm for you.

why would he have "lost his mum"?

its best if children are not made to choose between parents?

Why not let dad get a copy of the birth certificate and why refuse to hand over a passport?

Your son is 14. While i empathise with your feelings of loss why should you lose your relationship with him? my children live with their mother 11 out of 14 nights a fortnight but i have a good relationship with them. Thats despite her hostility and having to get a contact order (their mother is a childrens social worker).
It is possible to maintain your relationship and indeed its not unheard of for children to ping pong between parents especially in the teenage years. Hope things work out for you and your boy.

My daughter has ping ponged between myself and her father (currently she''s with him) I was truly devastated the first time then I realised its so much easier to be a good parent when you''re not with them! I got be nice mum didn''t have to tell her to tidy her room, argue over what time she got home, hassle her over her homework but I could spend quality time shopping or going dancing having a coffee. I could be calm and reasoned about her moans about her dad (and far more supportive of him in the background than he was for me). In fact we have a better relationship when she''s with him than we do when we are in the same house. Keep calm be supportive and plan for some quality time.

ok...it sounds like you have parallel parenting and still some degree of conflict with your ex.

your passport dilemma is a classic example.its ironic because after my ex has dragged me through court with finances (having been over contact) one of the things i would like to do is take them abroad.this will be my next hurdle because for three years it has been homeland holidays..

i have and indeed always will be treated as the "lesser parent". my son was recently off school sick but of course i heard it from him first as i did her new boyfriend and her intention to move where they will get a "games room and lap top". i never ask as it were but like all children they do not like to keep "secrets" and indeed in time they will remove themselves from the front line with their disclosures (always met with a positive i might add).

when i ask to take them abroad two things will happen. it will be made difficult for me to get hold of the passports and the agreed dates will be left to the last minute to ensure the flights are as expensive as possible.

i am giving you the story as it were from the other side of the fence. i have boundaries but we have to some degree a lads pad. homework is done here, there is probably more freedom but we have limited time.also even if we were together i always cut the children more slack. we have differing parenting styles. neither is better than the other they are just different. one thing there has never been lacking is their love for their mum. her picture is in their bedroom and after incessant calls (many to undermine contact)they have a mobile in their room where they can ring mum away from any other ears.the phone has cobwebs on it.

its interesting your sons age. mine is 14 next week and he is starting to demand time with me. on new years eve he came here and stayed with two friends. it was not a "contact" night. he often keeps his phone on answerphone which infuriates both parents but mum moreso.he is flexing his wings.

to be honest i do not see it anymore as a battle. my battle was to get three nights a fortnight in what the judge called a "high risk" case. thankfully the judge over ruled the CAFCASS officer (nice but dim) who wanted a wishes and feelings report on my then ten year old son who had told me he hated me. the same boy who spat on his birthday cake candles then hugged me tonight after football training and said "love you dad".

the reality is that children love both parents. they always will.as they get older they will have even less time with us and scary though the thought may be we will be free in many respects as will they. time to polish the harley davidson?

Passport? well i would hand it over with one condition. that he tells you where they are going and that you can help with holiday clothes and spending money. ask them to send you photos and enjoy them. mine come empty handed but when she goes away with "new dad" as she calls him i slip some euros in their hands.

the more you remove them from the battle ground the better. you cannot control what he does but you can control what you do. they will always love their mum. why should they not? if he cannot make it easy for them you can. not easy for you but then who said this parenting malarkey ever would be?

Thanks for giving me ''the other side'', however there is no planned holiday, my ex is long term unemployed. I have never stopped him from seeing his dad, we had an informal arrangement (every weekend and school hols) It is more about the legal side of whether I should hand over or keep legal documents like birth cert and passport. Thanks again for your reply.

I''m not sure it''s something I have to think about too as ex has said he may want to take children abroad and knowing what he''s like he will be reluctant to give passports back.