How to convince court not to reward bad behaviour

People here simply do not understand what I am saying about rewarding bad behaviour in a parent. It is precisely because I am child focused that I want to bring it up in court but all I get is patronising comments and no real feed-back based on experience.

Children learn by example, if the court rewards a parent (or does not apply any kind of punishment) for their appalling behaviour, that is sending a clear signal to the children that what their parent has done is right and also that, even if it is wrong, they will get away with it. Now fast forward to the child as an adult, he/she will be doing the same. There is not doubt about it.

My ex suffered bad abuse (even torture) from her own mother. Now she is a mother and doing something similar (not as bad as torture). Her mother never received any punishment and my ex never saw that anybody thought that what her mother did was wrong. She may even have thought that what her mother was doing was in her best interest.

Isn''t it funny that my ex has told the court that what I am doing is undermining her parental style? (mistreating my elder daughter for the very behaviour she created).

If the court does not stop this chain, then it will be my daughter doing those things to her children and then her children will go on with the tradition, if the stupid courts have not decided to stop favouring mothers, at any cost, in 20 years time.

I need to find a way to address the court on this issue without looking like I am in a campaign to pull my ex apart in court, but the court must be told.

peternoon,

I think people do understand what you are saying and feeling. Most of us had been through something similar in one shape or form.

We are trying to tell you how the family court system works based on our experience. The court tend to "favour" the parent that has been the majority carer of the children. That parent will likely continue to have the majority care of the children after divorce.

The court cannot punish the parents unless it''s criminal offence. The court cannot split emotion. It can only split the number of days of care.
If the parents end up in court, both of them will tell the judge the other parents are not good enough parents. That''s just human.

The only thing you can fight for is a regular pattern of days that your children will see you. That''s the outcome when you finish with the court proceedings. The judge is not there to "punish" either parent. S/he is there to decide what the best for the children is.

If you let us know the pattern and number of days you want, perhaps some of us can advise you if you are likely to succeed in court based on personal experience.

I was the main carer for the children. What are your qualifications? As I do not need people who have been in court a couple of times and then they come to advice here.

let me know where I said that a parent should be punished

As you could see from my previous postings, I did not come here asking for advice on my chances of success or how many days I can see the children or anything like that.

I am looking for someone who has had much experience ecplaining to the court that a parent who has had deplorable behaviour and has mistreated the children is bad for them.

Peter,

Your responses to those who have responded are aggressive and discourteous - if people take the trouble to answer your posts, then the least you could do is actually read what they have written. No-one has to respond to you, but they do because they are trying to help. If you continue to be aggressive and impolite then people will simply stop replying, thus meaning you will not be getting any kind of advice at all - and you obviously need some advice otherwise you wouldn''t be posting here.

Who was the original applicant and did you file a C1A during the proceedings if you had concerns about welfare? What did the CAFCASS report say about Mum''s alleged behaviour - did you make CAFCASS aware of your concerns?

The question you are asking has no practical answer, and what you are proposing is not an appropriate course of action.

I am not a lawyer.

Please remember it''s free advice you are getting from this community. People try to support each other here and they have varied personal experience. If you are humble, people are more willing to share their experience with you.

As you know, professional advice will cost you a lot of money.

I am a father. In terms of child court hearing, I had gone all the way to final hearing. I am now an every other weekend daddy.
We had a private agreement of roughly 50:50 shared care arrangement before for over 18 months.

If you have indeed been the main carer of the children, you have a stronger case to continue to be the main carer after divorce.

You can say whatever you want in court, complaining about the other parent. Both parents will do the same in court. As I mentioned before, if it''s not a criminal offence, the court won''t and can''t do anything about it.

If you want to "win" for your children, please focus on them. All we''ve heard from you is about their mother. You won''t go far in court if all your focus is about the mother instead of the children.

What''s important to the children?
- They have good relationship with both parents. (quality of time)
- They have good education and a consistence pattern of going to school.
- They have their close circle of friends to hang out with.
- They have financial security.

Please tell us,
1. What is the current child care pattern between 2 parents?

2. What is the pattern you would like for the future?
- e.g. The mother has contact with the children every other weekend + 1 overnight stay mid-week the other week. Half of the holidays.
- You have to explain to court why this pattern is good for the children. (It''s not because their mother is not a good mother!)

As I said, the court outcome will be about splitting the number of days of care between 2 parents.

Please read my previous posting

The problem is that you seem not to want advice but instead are seeking validation for your own perspective on things.

I have read back over your previous posts and this is a recurring pattern.

The fact that you suggest your children have ''lost'' the court case because your ex appears to be the main parent with care is very telling. As is your apparent feeling that somehow she is being ''rewarded'' when you think she should be ''punished'' for bad behaviour.

At the end of the day this is about a marriage that has broken down for whatever reason and two children who don''t deserve to be caught up in all this. Regardless of how the marriage ended you are both parents to those children and should be putting their needs before your own. They are not pawns in a game of revenge and they certainly shouldn''t be made to feel they have to choose between right (you) and wrong (your ex). It us just not fair for then to be caught up in this pool of vitriol.

The sooner you accept this and start working towards a sensible plan for the children, the better things will be for all of you. You may not like what your ex did, she probably isn''t too keen on some of your behaviour but that is between you adults; it should not be brought into the debate about the children.

Your objective should be an arrangement for the children that allows them to have a strong and supportive relationship with you and your ex.if you cannot work towards this, it is the children who will be being punished .... and none of this is their fault.

Hadenoughnow