Not Very Proud Of Myself

Made an error last night. My young boy, who is four, swears at me a bit too often and it depresses the hell out of me, because no matter how I ask him not too, he laughs or just takes no notice.

He never seems to do it whilst my stbx is in the room.

Well, yesterday afternoon, she did hear him and I asked her to say something and all I got was 'you deal with it'.

Anyway, I was just annoyed so went upstairs for a couple of minutes to then hear my daughter start crying (wife was in teh kitchen doing the kids tea) and my son had hit her.

So I come downstairs, xtb said why did I go upstairs and I said I am fed up with sons swearing and I said to my son that he shouldn't hit his sister (I am constantly told that they are never like this when I am not there) and I then said something I deeply regret - I told my son that daddy will soon be moving out. I said it because I was annoyed, but certainly had no intentions of saying it when I did. It just come out.

Stupid I know.

Stbx then went crazy and started calling me selfish etc etc.... and I can understand here being upset and she just went off on one swearing at me and screaming, then she rang her mum.

I have been waking up in the middle of the night for months trying to work out how we tell my son and this definately wasn't how I see it. I did explain to my son why I was going to move out and I told him I will still see him regularly (I hope) and that we will still go round nanny and grandads etc....

So annoyed at myself and not very proud.

We all say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret - dont be too hard on yourself.

What is important is that you talk to your children about you moving out, and why you have to - make it crystal clear it has NOTHING to do with thier behaviour - be positve about seeing each other, about the fun times you can have with your children, how you will always love them and be there for them.

When my father left the first time, my mother turned round and belted me across the head, telling me it was all my fault (thankfully my dad ended up with full custody of us, and we learnt the truth, and that it wasnt my fault) - something that was very difficult for a 12 yo to deal with - but we all lash out at those we love the most when we are under immense emotional strain.

You must be under so much strain and stress at the moment, you havent been sleeping, from what I can gather from your post, and living with the stbx is hell on earth at times. You arent a robot, you are a normal, fallible man going through a very tough time - be kind to yourself.

Ruby xx

Thanks rubytuesday, I certainly don't blame my children at all for anything, for so long now (since Xmas Day 2007), its been difficult.


Unfortunately, xtb didn't say a word to me last night after she had been out 'for some fresh air'. I didn't want to cause an argument so I didn't say anything either, thought better of it.

I know its going to cold and icy in the house when I get home from work.

The annoying thing was, whilst she was on the phone to her mum, she obviously said about ringing her solicitor, so when she got off the phone to her mum, she called, but the lady she deals with wasn't there.

I guess I will get accused of all sorts now. I am not happy with myself, there was no malice in it at all, it just happened.

maybe after some time to reflect, and a chance to talk this over with her, and for you to put across your side, she may realise that the words you used were said in the heat of the moment, and without malice or conviction.

Hi motr

As ruby says - we all say and do things in the heat of the moment. I get pushed so far by my (nearly 4yr old) son sometimes that I shout things I later feel guilty for. Our children certainly have ways of pushing our buttons - especially when we are in an already stressful situation.
I just wanted to comment on "no matter how I ask him not too, he laughs or just takes no notice."
It is very hard when the little ones are constantly challenging our authority - it is natural for them to do this, but it is very important that we ensure they know there are limits.
I have no idea how you deal with 'challenging behaviour' in your household and it is not for me to tell you how to do things!
Just to say I don't think I would 'ask' my boy not to swear at me! He has sworn at me on one occasion. I use the naughty spot after warnings for bad behaviour, but this is an incidence when he knows full well he will go straight there...

Sounds as if you are not getting the supoort from your stbx with regards parenting together - perhaps you will need to develop your own strategies to deal with him. Difficult I know as children will always try to play one parent off against another.

Good luck
Jacsmum
x

jacsmum wrote:

Sounds as if you are not getting the supoort from your stbx with regards parenting together - perhaps you will need to develop your own strategies to deal with him. Difficult I know as children will always try to play one parent off against another.

Good luck
Jacsmum
x

Thanks for that Jacsmum. Dreading going home after work. Left before anyone was up this morning.

I would say that I am the soft touch of the two of us and my wife always reminds me how when my little boy was little and he did something wrong and she told him off, I would cuddle him. So she says I have created my own problems. But I have never felt I have had much backup from her. Maybe thats the idea, I don't know.

I do know that when I am on my own, I do need to do my own thing. Sometimes, I just feel that stbx is just waiting for something to happen, to give her any excuse and I generally try my hardest to keep it in check.

Thanks again.

Hi motr
I know how difficult it is to stay under the same roof when you've decided to split - I couldn't stand it and ended up telling my ex to leave because his behaviour was so unreasonable.
Re your son's swearing - its a sure-fire way to get attention and make you sit up and take notice, isn't it? They learn that very quickly and it probably works every time - can I suggest that maybe simply telling him that that language is unacceptable and withdrawing treats (ie no TV for a few hours, no sweets next time you're at the shops) or the good old naughty step or being sent to his room may make him think twice about doing it again. Also you may find that giving him lots of praise when he gets things right - helping tidy up, being polite, doing as he's told straight away and then pointing out what a good boy he is - may make him think about the best way of getting the attention he's looking for.
You do need to sit down and talk calmly to the kids and explain to them what's happening in terms they'll understand and try not to be bitter to your stbx in front of them so that they're not drawn into the disagreements.
Good luck