Obliged to pay for my son''s clothes when at my X?

Hello wise wiki friend

I need your opinions please. My ex and I separated (him to run to a single life in the city, intermittently seeing OW), me left in FMH to pay bills, organise house sale, look after our only child. My X and i were still sharing 3 mortgages (paying half each) so he took to blackmailing me that if i applied for CM he would stop meeting his half of the mortgage payments. I couldn''t afford all the payments on my own, on topd of other bills (and at the time he only came to collect our sone overnight, once every other weekends)

Once the FMH sold, I felt able to apply to the CSA (my X was still refusing to willingly come to a family agreement- i have our son 66% (to be precise) of the time). I have since last month, received the first CM ever... it felt like xmas to have some support with child expenses after all this time (my X in the 2 years did not contribute a penny for our son, not even his birthdays or christmases)

So for the past weeks now, my X is enranged and now demands that I pay for clothes/shoes for my son when he is at his too (he was used to me paying for those since the separation- eventhoug he earns more than me).

Do you wikis feel it is fair? the maintenance surely is so that i have financial backing for all that i do for our son (school clubs, outings, school uniforms, clothes/shoes at mine, higher bills for having him most of the time, etc): in english- do you thing that the fact that his father now pays CM means that I have to provide clothes for my son to take over to my X''s? (PS. My X says if i don''t do this it will confirm i am ''absolutely worth less than nothing''. His words are not that important to me now but i want to do the right thing though not get bullied!)

thoughts/opinions most welcome
Thank you from a spinning mind tonight...
SIC

To be honest I think your ex is being a bit unreasonable.

Though I only have my son 1 or 2 days per week, I try to get him clothes. I also contribute to his school uniform, though the STBX hasnt asked for any money this year, if she had I would have given her something towards it.

The only problem I have is that I am just not very good at choosing clothes. I am an old goth type, so everything I have is pretty much black. Easy for me to pick for myself, but for a child, its not so easy.

I am getting better though. I get the odd little bits and bobs when I am shopping. The only problem I have is sizes. He''s nearly 8 but is small for his age, and most of the time if I am shopping he isnt with me, so I cant check sizes. I rely on guesswork, which has worked out fairly well so far.

In all honesty there is no reason your STBX shouldnt be able to do the same. After all he does have responsibility for him when he is at his home. That does include clothing.

Hi SIC
This is a usual bone of contention with parents. I think you will find that CM is supposed to cover clothing for children plus all other things too. Reality is that there is often a shortfall. Could you perhaps get some cheap PJs and underwear to keep at your ex''s and then just send a small weekend bag of clothes. Be prepared though for the dirty washing coming back and items not returned.
Poppy x

Perhaps its true that many fathers believe that maintenance should cover all the expenses, though in reality that is often no enough.

If he refuses to pay for clothes then there is probably little that you can do. The only thing I can say, and this is just what I would do in your shoes, if you send you child to the ex, send them in the most worn out clothes. That way, if you dont get them back you will always have all the good clothes for when the child is with you.

You can also keep a list of all clothes purchased over a few months. Then suggest that he pays a percentage. In line with the percentage of time the child is with him. So if its 33% of the time, he hands over the same percentage of costs.

I dont think that is unreasonable, and may be something close to an amicable solution.

Hi
I think the CM is, along with the CB / Tax credits, supposed to cover everything, although having said that the fact that CM is reduced for days at an NRP perhaps suggests otherwise, but to play devil''s advocate, there is always the argument that perhaps you should be handing over a third of the CB and Tax Credits.

I don''t think there is a lot of point arguing about it, its just going to cause a long and protracted set of disputes.
I don''t think Stumpy''s suggestion would work too well either, it relies on a degree of rational thinking and reasonableness on the other side. The argument will be along the lines ''You spend how much on a coat? I am not paying a third of that'', you then potentially get to a situation where you are having to get approval for any thing you buy.

LB

I agree with Poppy, it''s an ongoing bone of contention and there have been many threads about it in the forum.

It''s the hardest thing in the world to find common agreement with someone who doesn''t share a perspective and where there is no respect. It seems clear from your post that this would describe your ex''s position. What about yours? I''m guessing you don''t share his perspective - do you respect his opinion? So there you both are, trying to parent the same child in this environment. Believe me, if nothing moves, it''s going to get tougher.

How much of this situation can we control? Hard to say - we can work to be fair and respectful, regardless of what comes back at us. Is it worth it? The child(ren) might think so. If we are focused on the details, then we will argue about the details. Is he angry that he must pay? Sounds like it, right? Do you think he is being petty? Or do you think he has a point? (See above.)

So, you can be as focused on the detail as he is - or you can shift your perspective a bit to look at the bigger picture. What you cannot do is control what your ex is seeing. Should you provide clothes and shoes for wear at dad''s? Before you get into that question, have a think about what it would be like for your son if you didn''t. Can you live with that? If so, argue your corner. If not, meet your son''s needs (not your ex''s) and stay focused on that.

The point I''m trying to make here is that it''s easy to feel that our exes are being unreasonable (they would agree with the sentiment!) and so it''s also easy to feel that to ''give in'' means they have us over a barrel. I''m not saying any different - but what I AM saying is that it''s only one way of viewing the situation. Another way is to see that we are rising above pettiness and meeting our child''s needs. If neither of us do that, what will our children learn about parenting?

Shezi

I always provided my boys clothes for contact even if it was for a extended period. Truthfully didn''t even consider not doing so. my ex did eventually buy a few bits at his pj''s etc and he did sometimes contribute towards shoes.

I did get cross when a fortnight washing was turned after a holiday and moaned. He always returned them clean after.

I would provide the clothes, it shows your putting child first and really stops the rows. The most emotional damage caused to children is conflict. Rise above it.