Obliged to pay for my son''s clothes when at my X?

Thank you for your opinions Wiki friends
SIC

Thank you poppyp
that''s my point: i did that already when we separated 2 yaers ago, (i.e. provided clothes for our son for when he was there and kept replacing them (he was not paying CM and was refusing to)).

Now that I applied for and was granted CM (which is only 12% of X''s salary) as i was really starting to struggle too much, he demands clothes as if it offends him that his son should have any standard of living when he is at mine!
clothes never return though (clean or dirty)... it is a one way street (whatever my son wears to go there, stays there and sometimes i run out of shoes for when my son is at mine and has forgotten to bring things back... he is only 9)... now he want me to actually buy a stockpile of cothes for there!

I agree the most important thing here is your son and his feelings. However if you provide clothes which aren''t returned your ex already has a stockpile so why does he need more?

Hello Fiona

Asolutely! you are right, no contest: a child''s feelings come first

Son''s growth seem to be in hyperdrive hence the clothes that are not returned, apparently all that stockpile at his dad''s, is small now.

Just a shame that I will be able to do less for him now (he has 4 afterschool sport clubs he likes to attend (did too whilst we were a family and i am loathe to now remove him...stability and all that...)clothes at mine, higher bills being with me etc) if i also have to purchase clothes for when he is at his dad''s (who is a high earner and lives alone in a 4 beds place whilst we rent...).

I just feel it is a control thing as for instance, as i buy the school uniform Etc, PE kit etc, the last pair of shoes i bought (3rd pair since september (not counting PE kit stuff)) my X''s message through my son was that the shoes were and looked cheap.

however i take on board what you said

Thank you
SIC

I am fortunate that my ex and I are on good terms but he doesn''t have them overnight so this isn''t an issue I have encountered as yet. I think I would provide some clothes, maybe get some second hand, to take over. If your ex objects to second hand then the ball is in his court and he can buy what he wants for your child.
Kids are daft and if your ex is being a pain and causing trouble over petty things whilst you do your best and try to provide what you can for your child then it will be your ex that ends up looking like a fool. Children notice the small things that are done for them and they remember negative things much more than they remember the positive.
You can only do what you can do with what you have and if your ex is stopping your child doing things like his clubs then he will be the one that will have to deal with the consequences in the future.
I get cross because I can''t be the mum I was before as my time is now stretched between three kids under 5 and I have no one to help me with the day to day stuff so I find it hard to do the things I used to do with them but I do my best and that''s all we can do.
Just try to remain calm, send your son with those second hand clothes and know that you are doing the best by him- and that your ex is showing himself to be the poorer parent- maybe not in money but certainly in the way he treats his son. Hopefully, he will realise he is being totally unfair in the way he is acting and it is only your son that is being hurt.

Hi SIC
I too have a son in hyperdrive growth mode, he is 9, 5ft 6 and size 7 shoes! my stbx also thinks that the child benefit I receive covers all of his clothes, school uniform, etc he doesn''t even know what size shoes etc he is and how much they cost (£65 for the last pair of school shoes!!). What I do during growth spurts is just buy less and larger sizes, he tends to look a bit strange for the first week or so but he soon catches up on the sizing I love it when the weather comes warmer and I can put him in shorts as nobody notices then that he has shot up through his trousers!
At the end of the day, if your son is clean, fed and healthy what does it matter about the clothes let the ex go and buy some clothes and shoes and then listen to him complain about how much they cost and that he has grown out of them in no time

Thank you so much Driven40, elderflower, Fiona
You have really calmed me down
atually laughed at the idea of looking forward to summer for shorts... i sooo get that too!
last year i had him in shorts from may and he never looked like the pauper the bless his cotton socks! he was called the older kid by the staff at a playbarn he went to for a birthday party... they did''t realise he was the age of all the other kids... bless

i agree, the little (growing growing) man notices the little things.. i will go and stock up at Primarny this weekend to send a couple of things to keep at his dad''s

petty i know but i know he never relishes going to his dad''s ...ha.. he groans when the day approaches... don''t get me wrong...whilst i like him to maintain a good relationship with his dad, it reassures me that of his own accord he already sees through his dad... (i don''t tell him to... in fact i pretend to have nice things to say about his dad to show him i have no bad feelings ...yah right

Thanks again wiki friends
feel cheered that you took the time to respond
xx