who am I

I am nearing Absolute. Terrified of finally being divorced.
After 32 years of being Mrs *****, who am I going to be when I am divorced.
I have gone from being a wife and a mum to wondering around aimlessly with no one in my life.
I spend most of my days on my own, going to bed earlier and earlier. Prob wouldn''t even bother to get up if it wasn''t for my animals. So tired because I cant sleep. I can barely function at work. I know it is going to be so much worse when im divorced.
Every thing I want to do I cant do on my own.
I keep smiling and pretending im fine but im really not. I just feel sick, exhausted and very very lonely.
Any idea how you go about starting to find out who you are.

itsbeenalongtime... You sound so like me. 30 plus years of marriage, being proud to be Mrs B... My Absolute comes through in April. In 7 months I''ve gone from being a wife with a family and a home of my own to being on my own and renting.

I never wanted to be divorced but looking back my ex cheated on me and lied to me for most of our marriage. But I believed in marriage and thought he loved me. I was wrong. He only loved himself.

You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Right now you''re hurting and I am scared about being on my own too. My ex has his OW and his new life and I feel like I have no one. But I have loads of support from friends and family. I have my kids. I have a roof over my head and I am debt free. I decided that I was going to survive having hit the bottom because HE WASNT WORTH IT!

So I quit my job to set up my own business (that I had been trying to do but ex wouldn''t let me as he wasn''t working and needed me to pay the bills while he had fun). And I changed my name back. I figured that if I was going to start again I would reinvent myself. I go out with friends and I live as best I can.

I saw him yesterday in passing. He looks like an old man and I was so shocked. Today I have been at home on my own because I felt sorry for him and it still hurts sometimes to be rejected. But the fantasy life he imagined doesn''t seem to be making him happy.

Go see your GP and get some help. I''m on antidepressants and sleeping tablets but it keeps me sane. Find a local support group for divorced people and go along. Do the things you like to do and be brave. I''m learning who I am bit by bit. Go out with friends, chat on Facebook and start to push yourself. Having the animals is good but you also need to focus on you.

I know you didn''t want this but you''re not Mrs... You are YOU and you need to give yourself a break. If you want to chat message me... Am sending you a big hug and I hope you don''t mind me being so honest.

Pebble.

Thank you for reply pebbles..... this feeling I have at the moment is so not me. I feel like an unbranded bottle of water if that makes any sense. Just something but nothing. My friends all have their partners and families. I just feel whatever it is I need no one else will be able to help or understand.
Stbx is pushing things and is sending emails full of lies. I want to drag him through the courts just to prove what a lying chatting ass hole he is but I no I cant afford to. Waiting for Karma but she seems a bit busy. Thanks again.X

Hi Itsbeen, I''m sorry to hear of your divorce and can associate with all the feelings and emotions that divorce bring.
My ex was having an affair so it is not just you ladies that get abused us men have our fair share of it too.
I at the start of the divorce felt so alone and lost, bitterness and hatred creeping in but, the best thing to do is to forgive and move on, whats the point of being bitter ? it will just keep the momentum of the emotions and pain going.
I am 5 months into my divorce and today, if it was not a bank holiday would be my degree Absolute day, so the ex will have to wait until Monday to be officially free.
This week has been the best week so far for me and I have been almost back to my usual happy self, now, I do not know if this will last but to have 4 days of me being me is great.
There is a life out there for you still but, you have to go look for it, get out with friends or if you have no friends try a meet up group like I did.
I have several great friends now and my social life is buzzing.
I do not want a relationship yet as I am probably not ready but, I would never say never to anything now.
Divorce can be the start not just the end......

Ignore the STBX he''s an idiot!!! You know the truth and so will your friends. Talk to them about anything and everything even tv programmes. You need to rebrand yourself. I lost weight and bought myself skinny jeans and cowboy boots. I look really good now everyone tells me. But I have to work at it. I''m not water now but a flavoured vodka with a kick!

Yougotmail great idea about meet up. Am sure that you feel like we do and brilliant for you being open to new things.

We are all fabulous!!!
Pebble xx

PS no I''ve not been drinking lol!

It''s very understandable to feel like you''re the only one not part of a happily married couple, and to miss that sense of belonging. I found it really helpful at first just to spend time with others who don''t fit the married couples set - other single parents, gay friends and your own family of course. Interestingly over time I have learned just what an illusion we have about others'' lives - many friends and colleagues now confide in me about their own imperfect marriages.
Seeing your GP and considering counselling would be helpful to help you through this grieving process, and to explore what sort of life you would like to build for yourself. Even though you didn''t choose this, it''s a chance to rethink what you want from life and discover what you really love doing. You won''t feel this badly forever. X

Hi, I have been married 29 years, so I understand you well. It does not have to be about love, or worth or recognition from outsiders, it just feels very different. Well, it is very different no matter if the marriage was good and loving , or bad and distressing,it is still change. That is uncomfortable, scary, and unknown. If like most, there are adjustments financially, mentally , and as it seems you know also, physically. I have been effected in all those ways greatly,I know it is said often on here, to take one day at a time, baby steps, and so on, but truth is that is all that works and is enough. The alternative is to give in, give up and not have chances for the ahead, I am not willing to give that part up, even if it is tiny, so I keep pressing forward, but it is extremely hard. I for myself, found that , as i let go , and stopped grieving what was, I could see more clearly what I wanted to be, and also a person in the mirror, that had been there all along, but dormant, or in survivor mode, you may be surprised at who you are in time, and enjoy her very much. It is very lonely at times, I try to focus on something, that I could not do in the past, to fill those times, even if it is just reading a magazine, or sitting in a park and feeling the wind in my face, being free is vastly underrated, being free to hope, came open many doors.I am not in the great health, that hinders, but , it does not keep me from wanting a better life. Depression and stress, work on us so much, it can be difficult to see things in a better light, but hold on, for sunshine ahead, it is there. Name changes are something each of us has to choose , I am not sure about my own. But I know, that what ever I choose will be me. See, I never met you as Mrs. So to me , you will be someone new, and kind and gentle that I am just meeting,I know that you like animals, that you have children, that you want to have better in your life, that is who you are to me. I wish you all the best, life , no matter how hard, is good, and worth having to go over the mountains, and roadblocks, to get to better and beautiful. Every day, even the bad ones, is another day closer to relief.