No contact

Moona, I''m sorry to read of the agonising experience you are going through right now... this will be the worst. The assumption that they can dump you as a spouse but keep you as a friend just betrays how insightless they are, it''s all about them and their "right to be happy" without any inconvenient feelings of guilt.
In the 2 weeks between announcement and moving out, my ex was waltzing about pink-faced with excitement, rushing off to see OW while he asked me to pack and organise a removalist because he was too busy. He even tried to chat with me about how hard OW was finding it at school because the school parents were giving her cold looks (she was my son''s music teacher). Later after he left, for months I couldn''t bear to talk with or look at him, and would wear sunglasses outside or not make eye contact inside. He considered it rude but it was just self-preservation.
Yes it is very difficult to limit contact (which would be ideal for most of us), but as parents of younger children we have no choice. You will have to dig deep to do this. When emotions are raw it is a huge challenge, but ceasing all personal chat helps - she is not your friend anymore. With the advice from Wiki, due to ongoing angry texts and calls I told my ex that all communication was to be via email except for emergencies, and that it would only be about finances or the children. He still tries periodically to send me interesting links to articles or ask "so how are you going?" but I just continue to ignore it. It gets much easier with time, but you can start right now by limiting your communication to matters of finances and the children.
Hang in there and keep posting here - this was my lifeline in those awful early months.

Hi,

Originally when we split we spoke on the phone, texted and emailed.

However this became too acrimonious, and I have blocked most forms of communication.

My kids are old enough to deal with him directly (although I don''t think they have much contact with him).

I communicate via email and through solicitors. It slows down the communication, and dilutes his bullying tactics.

Hi buddy

How is my wiki mate . ? Standing tall .

Yep, not easy with kids the no contact rule . However, you can keep it to the minimum .

Moona.

Her going is going to help in your progress . Yes it is going to be painful and I do know the feelings that you feel .

Do you want to stop thinking of ex and move on ?

If so Moona

You have to WANT to heal and stop wanting her back . May sound weird fella because why would you not want to heal ? Trust me you have to make the conscious decision or you may sabotage your healing process .

Thoughts of not wanting her back is a big step .

Moona you have to accept that the break up happened . Quite important that buddy . Because that is when your actual recovery starts to happen . Just acknowledge its over and accept all the consequences that come with it .
Here is where I found I had to work at reducing my overthinking and turn focus more inward .

You have to let them go

If you don''t do that you can be stuck for a long time. I learned that from a dear wiki friend . Simple question fired at me WHY do I give her headspace ? What a powerful question that one is .

WHY , allow her to live rent free in my head when she no longer wanted me . NO point whatsoever . Yep , good advice I got right there . She no longer wanted me she wanted her lover . Did I feel rejected . Yes I did .
Did I hurt , yes I did .

Moona
Three steps to get over her in a nutshell . Three steps that seem easy , when in reality that are not .
You have to take them to make best out if this existential experience called break up fella .

Moona , we are all stood by you shoulder to shoulder ., this is no easy ride for you right now. We know this.
Think on stand tall . You can and will do this . Who knows what glorious life is ahead for you . Remember the rapids and the bends . Don''t swim upstream .

Thinking of you .

D

Hi Moona50,

At the moment you are seesawing through different emotions, you are still dealing with the physical break. The others are right, once she is gone and gone for good, you will cry you a river. You will take months even years to play catch up until as our Wise Wiki tells us, ''She Will Become Some You Used To Know''.

Afon is also right time is the only thing that puts the agony of separation and divorce into a different perspective.

Has anyone recommended ''Rebuilding When A Relationship Ends'' by Fisher & Alberti? It is a divorce survival guide. Bruce Fisher describes the rebuilding blocks to your life, a bit like a game of snakes and ladders. Well worth purchasing. I still use it 6 years on and I gain a different perspective insight to my own healing.

Moona50, acceptance of our situations is always tough when we are the ones being left behind, more so when children are involved. You have to grow a thick skin and let your head overrule your heart in dealing with your STBX, however hard this is for you, self preservation is the name of the game. She has made her own bed, let her lie in it. That nirvana they often go in search of, many never find, that is her look out. You on the other hand will become a much stronger person for all you have gone through, please believe me when I tell you that.

Be strong for your kids, they need their Dad, make them your number 1 priority, they will see you through the coming months, years and beyond. Treat her like you would in dealing with a business transaction, set the boundaries, communicate by text or e-mail about child arrangements, but remain courteous and with your integrity intact at all times. (You have to pull the moat bridge up around you when dealing with her). Cry all you need to behind closed doors but do not under any circumstances allow her to to buddy with you, so she can feel less guilty. You do not hurt the ones you love, so take off those rose tinted glasses, and start to let the other light in when it comes to her. Be strong, hold your head high and let her see, in time, what she stupidly let go. Be the man you are meant to be.

Sometimes on Wiki, tough love is needed, we understand what you are going through, we really do, so give yourself some distance, enjoy every second you can with your kids, build a new life with them and set the rules where ''she'' is concerned. Don''t ever be her fall guy when her reality eventually sets in, hopefully by that time you will be on your right road to happiness.

Keep busy, keep fit, exercise and feeling good about yourself does help.

Ohh and I know in the early days I spent lost weekends on Wiki, this site and its members literally saved my life, but in time your dependency on it will wain, but like many you will feel the need to pop in and offer support, I know I do.

Take care for now FoS x

Thank you all so much.

Great advice, kind words and incredibly helpful to me at the moment.

I will check out the book recommendation.

This is going to be a tough week but today has been a good day. Gardening, reading and some real peace. That''s all I want, peace.

M.