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14 months on and I find you!
22 Mar 09 #100983
by absl
Topic started by absl
Hello,
I googled for some information and found this website. I have been doing really well over the last few months, but the events of the last few weeks have knocked me back enough that yesterday I spent the first few hours of the day in tears.
I have no idea where to start, so please forgive me if I seem to be a little all over the place with my post.
14 months ago my youngest daughter disclosed sexual abuse by her father (she was 5 at the time). I called Childline who got in touch with the NSPCC. The NSPCC called the police and social services. Child protection proceedings started and both my daughters were place on the 'at risk' register. My three sons (all by my ex husband) were placed on service plans.
After that my ex husband used all his powers of charm and manipulation to make our male social worker (who had already said he wouldn't work with the girls. I asked for a female worker, but it was 3 months before we got a female worker) believe that I was the abusive one, and that he was an 'innocent and loving father'. Because of the lack of work done by social services, and their lack of care, and downright dangerous behaviour, I have complaints against this team, currently at stage 3.
We have a new social work team, who have worked with the children and are very good. The new team have the children's best interests at heart, rather than their own.
In October 08 my ex applied for a residency order through court, claiming I was abusing the children. The new social work team were instructed to write a report. Contact for all the children (who wish to attend contact, my youngest has not wanted to see her father since her disclosure) is supervised by social services, this is a court directed order. My ex husband is currently having a psychiatric/ological assessment.
I'm sure it will not come as a surprise if I were to say he didn't supported his children financially. Six months after my daughter's dislcosure I got in touch with the CSA. My ex husband by this time had reduced his income down (on paper) so low that he pays £54 per week for all five children. Until the end of our marriage his earnings were £75,000 per year. My ex husband runs a successful business, and also a massage parlour with his current 'partner'. He has been running the massage parlour since the day after my daughter's disclosure. I know his accountant has lied on paper for him as he remortgaged our marital home on the strength of fabricated accounts. I discovered this too, after the end of our marriage.
My children (aged 15, 13, 11, 9 and 6) and I (I am a single parent) are on benefits, life is financially very tough. I stayed at home to look after the home and my children for 16 years, and my former career (graphic design) is now so devoid from the way I was trained that I am currently retraining. I am also learning to drive, and am currently having therapy (the Freedom Programme, Parents of sexually abused children, and I have just completed 3 months of therapy for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse). I am working so hard at improving myself, for myself and for my children, and I am very proud of how far I have come in a year.
My eldest son has also had therapy through the DVHL. My other sons are on the waiting list, and my daughters are also waiting for their therapy. However, social services have become aware of my youngest daughter's fear of her father, and so feel that she will more likely benefit from my ability to listen and 'counsel' her. For this reason the court have directed that I attend the parents of sexually abused children course. Of course, I am taking on board the advice of people who 'know' and will continue to report back on how my daughters are coping.
My ex has continued to deny he sexually abused my youngest. He denied abusing my 9 year old daughter, and while she alluded to the fact he did, she is in 'fantasy land' denial. My ex also claims he did abuse his youngest daughter, but that he didn't mean her harm and that he did it as a loving father. Because of my daughter's fear of her father, she was unable to make a formal complaint against him, for this reason there is no court case against him for sexual abuse at the moment. The police still have our old family computer as there were markers on it that he might have been viewing child pornography.
Ok, if you are still awake and reading, thank you!! I'm sorry it's such a long account to this point. However, there is more!
I do have a solicitor, a lovely 'old school' fellow who I think believes everyone is good and that my ex is capable of behaving decently. I feel his desire to let my ex prove that he is a good person is actually costing me more money, particularly as, 14 months on, there is no evidence that my ex can behave decently or honourably. However, I have debts to be paid to my solicitor, and while i would now qualify for legal aid, my solictor does not take legal aid and I feel I am stuck with him.
My solicitor has given me some good advice, but I feel at the moment that the constant letters from my ex's solicitor in which I am 'threatened' with an Ancillary Hearing unless I give up any claims I might have to my ex's businesses, our joint matrimonial home, his pensions, etc are wasting my money needlessly. All my ex husband is offering is the £54 per week he sometimes pays for his children through the CSA. I really feel an Ancillary hearing will not penalise me for leaving my ex husband and trying to get on with life with my children.
I haven't asked for a percentage of his business, or his pensions, or any other assets, apart from the house which we jointly own (and are currently in arrears with as I couldn't afford the £2,000 per month mortgage my ex conned the mortgage company into giving us). However, I feel an Ancillary hearing might feel I am entitled to some of my ex's assets. My ex is very aware that in the past I would be intimidated by court hearings, so I feel he might think I am frightened by such a threat. My ex husband has also threatened to take me to court for maintenance for himself, and/or has said he will demand a percentage of my future earnings. He has also threatened to get a lump sum settlement from me. My only asset, apart from the house we jointly own, is a second hand car I bought to ensure I would have a vehicle (big enough for the six of us!)after I had learnt to drive. Because of my youngest daughter's emotional welfare (and my own) I left our matrimonial home and moved away with the children. He does not know our address, although all the relevant agencies do.
Is it likely that an Ancillary hearing will work in his favour, as he seems to be suggesting? By his favour I mean the children only get the £54 per week that he sometimes pays, and he gets to keep all his businesses profits, the house, his pensions, assets, etc.
I read on this site that a 'bullish' court might look into the massive reduction in his earnings, how likely is that?
My ex husband and I were together for 19 years, I was 19 when we met, he was 25. I gave up work when I was pregnant with my first child (who sadly died when he was 26 hours old) and have devoted my life to my role as a homemaker and mother. Are the courts likely to take this into consideration?
OK! It's Mother's day and I am covered in glitter from homemade cards
Thank you so much for reading. Again, I apologise if I have confused you. There has been so much going on that I sometimes wonder how I've managed to cope, and to be honest, I'm not sure I do always cope...
absl x
I googled for some information and found this website. I have been doing really well over the last few months, but the events of the last few weeks have knocked me back enough that yesterday I spent the first few hours of the day in tears.
I have no idea where to start, so please forgive me if I seem to be a little all over the place with my post.
14 months ago my youngest daughter disclosed sexual abuse by her father (she was 5 at the time). I called Childline who got in touch with the NSPCC. The NSPCC called the police and social services. Child protection proceedings started and both my daughters were place on the 'at risk' register. My three sons (all by my ex husband) were placed on service plans.
After that my ex husband used all his powers of charm and manipulation to make our male social worker (who had already said he wouldn't work with the girls. I asked for a female worker, but it was 3 months before we got a female worker) believe that I was the abusive one, and that he was an 'innocent and loving father'. Because of the lack of work done by social services, and their lack of care, and downright dangerous behaviour, I have complaints against this team, currently at stage 3.
We have a new social work team, who have worked with the children and are very good. The new team have the children's best interests at heart, rather than their own.
In October 08 my ex applied for a residency order through court, claiming I was abusing the children. The new social work team were instructed to write a report. Contact for all the children (who wish to attend contact, my youngest has not wanted to see her father since her disclosure) is supervised by social services, this is a court directed order. My ex husband is currently having a psychiatric/ological assessment.
I'm sure it will not come as a surprise if I were to say he didn't supported his children financially. Six months after my daughter's dislcosure I got in touch with the CSA. My ex husband by this time had reduced his income down (on paper) so low that he pays £54 per week for all five children. Until the end of our marriage his earnings were £75,000 per year. My ex husband runs a successful business, and also a massage parlour with his current 'partner'. He has been running the massage parlour since the day after my daughter's disclosure. I know his accountant has lied on paper for him as he remortgaged our marital home on the strength of fabricated accounts. I discovered this too, after the end of our marriage.
My children (aged 15, 13, 11, 9 and 6) and I (I am a single parent) are on benefits, life is financially very tough. I stayed at home to look after the home and my children for 16 years, and my former career (graphic design) is now so devoid from the way I was trained that I am currently retraining. I am also learning to drive, and am currently having therapy (the Freedom Programme, Parents of sexually abused children, and I have just completed 3 months of therapy for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse). I am working so hard at improving myself, for myself and for my children, and I am very proud of how far I have come in a year.
My eldest son has also had therapy through the DVHL. My other sons are on the waiting list, and my daughters are also waiting for their therapy. However, social services have become aware of my youngest daughter's fear of her father, and so feel that she will more likely benefit from my ability to listen and 'counsel' her. For this reason the court have directed that I attend the parents of sexually abused children course. Of course, I am taking on board the advice of people who 'know' and will continue to report back on how my daughters are coping.
My ex has continued to deny he sexually abused my youngest. He denied abusing my 9 year old daughter, and while she alluded to the fact he did, she is in 'fantasy land' denial. My ex also claims he did abuse his youngest daughter, but that he didn't mean her harm and that he did it as a loving father. Because of my daughter's fear of her father, she was unable to make a formal complaint against him, for this reason there is no court case against him for sexual abuse at the moment. The police still have our old family computer as there were markers on it that he might have been viewing child pornography.
Ok, if you are still awake and reading, thank you!! I'm sorry it's such a long account to this point. However, there is more!
I do have a solicitor, a lovely 'old school' fellow who I think believes everyone is good and that my ex is capable of behaving decently. I feel his desire to let my ex prove that he is a good person is actually costing me more money, particularly as, 14 months on, there is no evidence that my ex can behave decently or honourably. However, I have debts to be paid to my solicitor, and while i would now qualify for legal aid, my solictor does not take legal aid and I feel I am stuck with him.
My solicitor has given me some good advice, but I feel at the moment that the constant letters from my ex's solicitor in which I am 'threatened' with an Ancillary Hearing unless I give up any claims I might have to my ex's businesses, our joint matrimonial home, his pensions, etc are wasting my money needlessly. All my ex husband is offering is the £54 per week he sometimes pays for his children through the CSA. I really feel an Ancillary hearing will not penalise me for leaving my ex husband and trying to get on with life with my children.
I haven't asked for a percentage of his business, or his pensions, or any other assets, apart from the house which we jointly own (and are currently in arrears with as I couldn't afford the £2,000 per month mortgage my ex conned the mortgage company into giving us). However, I feel an Ancillary hearing might feel I am entitled to some of my ex's assets. My ex is very aware that in the past I would be intimidated by court hearings, so I feel he might think I am frightened by such a threat. My ex husband has also threatened to take me to court for maintenance for himself, and/or has said he will demand a percentage of my future earnings. He has also threatened to get a lump sum settlement from me. My only asset, apart from the house we jointly own, is a second hand car I bought to ensure I would have a vehicle (big enough for the six of us!)after I had learnt to drive. Because of my youngest daughter's emotional welfare (and my own) I left our matrimonial home and moved away with the children. He does not know our address, although all the relevant agencies do.
Is it likely that an Ancillary hearing will work in his favour, as he seems to be suggesting? By his favour I mean the children only get the £54 per week that he sometimes pays, and he gets to keep all his businesses profits, the house, his pensions, assets, etc.
I read on this site that a 'bullish' court might look into the massive reduction in his earnings, how likely is that?
My ex husband and I were together for 19 years, I was 19 when we met, he was 25. I gave up work when I was pregnant with my first child (who sadly died when he was 26 hours old) and have devoted my life to my role as a homemaker and mother. Are the courts likely to take this into consideration?
OK! It's Mother's day and I am covered in glitter from homemade cards
Thank you so much for reading. Again, I apologise if I have confused you. There has been so much going on that I sometimes wonder how I've managed to cope, and to be honest, I'm not sure I do always cope...absl x
22 Mar 09 #100998
by YNK000
Reply from YNK000
Hi absl
Welcome to Wiki, here is a virtual Wiki-hug for you >>> (((((absl)))))
You have been through a lot & still are, but the way you write speaks volumes. You are a coper & do not stand by & watch things happen, you do your very best to get the best results for your family.
Come into chat & be among friends who are going through or have been through similar experiences, it really does help. Sometimes there is the serious talk in chat, but there is also the lighter side to it where support is given in the form of just being normal for a bit & socializing with like minded people. If you are nervous just say hi & observe for a bit to see if it is for you.
I hope that Mothering Sunday brings you happiness, by the glitter it sounds like it will.
Take care
79
Welcome to Wiki, here is a virtual Wiki-hug for you >>> (((((absl)))))
You have been through a lot & still are, but the way you write speaks volumes. You are a coper & do not stand by & watch things happen, you do your very best to get the best results for your family.
Come into chat & be among friends who are going through or have been through similar experiences, it really does help. Sometimes there is the serious talk in chat, but there is also the lighter side to it where support is given in the form of just being normal for a bit & socializing with like minded people. If you are nervous just say hi & observe for a bit to see if it is for you.
I hope that Mothering Sunday brings you happiness, by the glitter it sounds like it will.
Take care
79
22 Mar 09 #101015
by dukey
Reply from dukey
Hello
Wellcome to the site like you i found wiki after a year of seperation
hopefully you will find all the answers you need and the support i recived.
You have nothing to fear from the ancillary relief process its aim is to help you both agrea a settlement if this cannot be done then eventually a judge will impose a settlement based on the matrimonial causes act.
The first priority is the houseing needs of the children and you as parent with care.
The starting piont for asset division of a long marriage is equality then other factors are considered children income pension future earnings potential ect, the work done by a mother and home maker is equall to that of a man who works in family law so dont worry about that bit.
Often self employed poeple do hide income dureing divorce rest assured judges have seen it all before, he will need to provide the last three years accounts and a forcast for the comeing year, any sharp decrease in income can be questioned.
Ask your solicitor to file form A application for ancillary relief to get the ball rolling, and ask him to file for a maintenance pending siut to get some financial help now while AR goes on.
Wellcome to the site like you i found wiki after a year of seperation
hopefully you will find all the answers you need and the support i recived.You have nothing to fear from the ancillary relief process its aim is to help you both agrea a settlement if this cannot be done then eventually a judge will impose a settlement based on the matrimonial causes act.
The first priority is the houseing needs of the children and you as parent with care.
The starting piont for asset division of a long marriage is equality then other factors are considered children income pension future earnings potential ect, the work done by a mother and home maker is equall to that of a man who works in family law so dont worry about that bit.
Often self employed poeple do hide income dureing divorce rest assured judges have seen it all before, he will need to provide the last three years accounts and a forcast for the comeing year, any sharp decrease in income can be questioned.
Ask your solicitor to file form A application for ancillary relief to get the ball rolling, and ask him to file for a maintenance pending siut to get some financial help now while AR goes on.
24 Mar 09 #101473
by absl
Reply from absl
79, Smurfy, Tryingtocope and Duke, thank you so much for your support, something I really badly needed this weekend.
I wrote to my solicitor instructing we start off the ancillary relief hearing that my ex keeps on threatening. From past experience he is going to lie and cheat; but this I feel, is all the more reason to put it in a court setting, rather than the constant letters and threats that keep coming my way as it's costing me a fortune in money and emotion.
absl x
I wrote to my solicitor instructing we start off the ancillary relief hearing that my ex keeps on threatening. From past experience he is going to lie and cheat; but this I feel, is all the more reason to put it in a court setting, rather than the constant letters and threats that keep coming my way as it's costing me a fortune in money and emotion.
absl x
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