6 months down the track...

It is 6 months since i found out about my stbx extra-marital-online-in-home-behind-my-back affair ... 5 since final decision was taken and announced to our 2 kids as belated Xmas present...4 since he moved out and we started joined custody...

I went though the hurt of the cheating, the separating, the letting go of the children.. reeling but still standing... have tried to put on a brave face and be understanding and even helpul...

In the end what hurts the most is the lack of respect he has shown starting of course with the cheating but going beyond that since he's gone...what he is doing I'm sure he is not doing out of malice but out of not thinking what the consequences of his actions are on others.... it's all piling up though, and i've had a gutful...

this is how i found you guys... i was looking for something re 'RESPECT' and read your thread 'where has respect gone'... I could have written a lot of that myself... I just can't believe how one can be so oblivious to the feelings of someone he cared for for 15 years... the mind boggles...

my prince has well and truly sailed...

froginthebog

who knows what goes through their heads? who knows what turns a perfectly decent, caring person into a shadow of their former self that you are unable to recognise let alone like? But with this website, as you have found, you will realise this is 'normal' behaviour in these circumstances, that it has everything to do with them and their selfishness and nothing at all to do with you. Hold onto that tightly, it will help keep you sane.

Like you, I am six months in. I have no idea what happened and ot be honest, I no longer care. He has only just admitted to the affair. There is more to come, I am sure. I want out, nothing else. I have tried to be 'decent', have not always made a good job of that I admit, but he has behaved a million times worse and there is no end in sight.

There is help, kindness and support here from people who know what you are feeling. You will come out of this a better person, with your dignity and self-respect intact. That is the most important thing. Look after yourself. xxxx

I know you're right re the help found here...

when i found the 'Respect' thread I very nearly sent the page to him since it spelt out so much better than I could what he was putting me through... and then I thought better of it, if this site/forum is going to be some kind of crutch I don't want him anywhere near it...

one question still bothers me: how do I get him to understand I have feelings and deserve better than to be treated like s****... without going through a shouting match which is what happened last night and how I came upon this site...

Fyi... we are going through divorce mediation and I have already compiled a doc showing things i did for him VS things he did for me since break up... I am just amazed he hasn't realized and keeps hitting below the belt...

How can i get through to him...

how long is a piece of string?

I think you have to stop right there and think about you. You are not going to get through to him, because he doesn't want to be got through to. Any reasonable argument you may give about his behaviour will just be batted back to you with something entirely ridiculous which only serves to hurt you.

I have been accused of things I can't remember doing (and don't think I ever did). I should have been locked up years ago if even 10% of what he says about me is true. To justify leaving, everything gets twisted around in their heads - you can't appeal to their better nature because it no longer exists.

For your own sanity, keep communication to a minimum - use e-mail and text where possible. If you find yourself getting into an argument, hang up the phone or ask him to leave telling him why - that you do not want another arugment and this is where things are heading.

What an honest post.

I am some 5 months down the line since my wife of 18yrs left me and my two boy's (13 and 15). It was totally unexpected and left the three of us on the floor!

I am begining to come to terms with it and have received some wonderful counselling (which I thought I would never do)which is helping me and the boy's enormously.

I would advise you to break-off all contact. I have done this with my wife and the "cold love" approach has really worked for me and totally upsets my wife - I now have control.

As for what I think of her - words fail me but my counseller did give me a great insight into how her mind is working. I'll share it with you as it keeps me going:

Fantasy – She is imagining that a life other than the one she had will be much better!
Idealisation – Is only seeing the good points in the person she is having an affair with;
Projection – will distance themselves from their spouse – will even try to hurt them emotionally and enjoy it!
Provocation – will continually try to provoke a reaction from you – will try to be nice to get at you!
Substitution – will create a reason for leaving. Do not believe them, as they are more often symptoms than the real cause, which is really their selfish “me” attitude.
Denial – it will never be her fault – it’s all yours and the boy’s!

As I said this insight helps me - Iread it every night.
Best Wishes
Brunswick.

Just read the list you gave you are so right, it sounded like my x and me. Its been 5 years since he left and he is still playing games. With the woman he left me for and still says he cares for me, but I've noticed he is only like this when he is about to do something or is feeling guilty. I did the quite treatment and he hated it, didn't talk to him for more than 2 years (would only discuss kids) he hated it that I didn't chat with him. Now he's done something again which takes us back to square one with the divoce so he does not deserve my attention so back to the quite treatment!!

I hear you...
still i find it very hard not to react to things i find unfair... or plain disgusting... i have never been very good at keeping my mouth shut... if i follow this path i'm afraid i will implode...